DEAD PARROT SKETCH (ALTERNATIVE VERSIONS) 

   

  

Over the years, Cleese and Palin have done many versions of the "Dead Parrot" sketch for various television shows, record albums, and live performances. Here are two versions - one from Monty Python Live At Drury Lane and one from The Secret Policemans Biggest Balls (a live show in aid of Amnesty International). 

  

  

 

  

DEAD PARROT - LIVE AT DRURY LANE 

  

As this is from an audio recording we’ve included the sounds as well 

  

Praline: (J.C) I wish to register a complaint. (applause) 'Ello, Miss? 

  

Shopkeeper: (M.P) What do you mean, "miss"? 

  

Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! 

  

Shopkeeper: Sorry we're closed for lunch. 

  

Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 

  

Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it? 

  

Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it! 

  

Shopkeeper: No, no, 'e's uh...he's resting. 

  

Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now. 

  

Shopkeeper: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! You know. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, innit, eh? Beautiful plumage! 

  

Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead. 

  

Shopkeeper: No, no! 'E's, ‘e’s resting! 

  

Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh banana for you if you show... 

  

(Crash) 

  

Shopkeeper: There, he moved! 

  

Praline: No, he didn't, you hit the cage! 

  

Shopkeeper: I never!! 

  

Praline: Yes, you did! 

  

Shopkeeper: I never touched the cage! I didn’t! 

  

Praline: 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Wakey, wakey!!! (banging) This is your nine o'clock alarm call! 

  

Prolonged noise of a dead parrot being banged on a counter. 

  

Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot. 

  

Applause 

  

Shopkeeper: ‘E's stunned! 

  

Praline: STUNNED?!? 

  

Shopkeeper: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily. 

  

Praline: Now look, don’t play the slippery eel with me. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a long squawk. 

  

Shopkeeper: He's...he's, probably pining for the fjords. 

  

Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home? 

  

Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin’ on it's back! Remarkable bird, innit, eh major? Beautiful plumage! 

  

Praline: Look tosh, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the  

first place was that it had been NAILED there. 

  

Shopkeeper: Well, of course it was nailed there! Listen mush, if I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have muscled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and VOOM! 

  

Praline: Voom??? 

  

Shopkeeper: Voom 

  

Praline: Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised! 

  

Shopkeeper: No no! 'E's pining! 

  

Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'E's off the twig! ‘E’s curled up his tootsies! 'E's shuffled off this mortal coil! ‘E’s run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! E's fuckin’ snuffed it!!! (huge round of applause) Vis a vis his metabolic processes, he’s had his lot! All statements to the effect that this parrot is still a going concern are from now on inoperative! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! 

  

Shopkeeper: Well… (interrupted by huge round of applause) Well, I'd better replace it, then. 

  

Praline: If you want to get anything done in this country you’ve got to go (makes complaining type sounds) 

(pause) 

  

Praline: What’s the news? 

  

Shopkeeper: Well I've had a look 'round the back and we're right out of parrots. 

  

Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture. 

  

Shopkeeper: I got a slug. 

  

Praline: Does it talk? 

  

Shopkeeper: Yeah 

  

Praline: Right I’ll have that one then!!!! 

  

  

 Back to Dead Parrot sketch 

  

  

 

  

  

DEAD PARROT - THE SECRET POLICEMAN'S BIGGEST BALLS 

  

Praline: (J.C) I wish to register a complaint. 'Ello, Miss? 

  

Shopkeeper: (M.P) What do you mean, "miss"? 

  

Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! 

  

Shopkeeper: Sorry we're closed for lunch. 

  

Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 

  

Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it? 

  

Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. Its dead, that's what's wrong with it! 

  

Shopkeeper bends down to look at the parrot. He looks at it for quite some time. 

  

Shopkeeper: So it is. Here's your money back and a couple of holiday vouchers. 

  

He hands over the money and the vouchers and exits, taking the parrot with him. Mr. Praline is dumbstruck. He pauses and then starts slowly walking back across the stage. He gets midway, then turns to the audience and says: 

  

Praline: Well, you can't say Thatcher hasn't changed some things. 

  

  

Back to Dead Parrot sketch