POLICE STATION (SILLY VOICES)
Cut to police station.
First Sergeant: (J.C.)
station counter into camera) Goodnight.
Camera pulls back to show a man
standing in front of the counter.
Man: (T.J.) Good evening, I wish to
report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Speak up please, sir.
Man: I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: I can't hear you,
Man: (bellowing) I wish to report a
First Sergeant: That's a little bit
too loud. Can you say it just a little less loud than that?
Man: (a little louder than
wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: No... I'm still not
getting anything... Er, could you try it in a higher register?
Man: What do you mean in a higher
First Sergeant: What?
Man: (in a high-pitched
voice) I wish
to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Ah! That's it, hang
on a moment. (gets out pencil and paper) Now a little bit louder.
Man: (louder and more high
wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Report a what?
Man: (by now a ridiculously
high-pitched squeak) Burglary!
First Sergeant: That's the exact
frequency... now keep it there.
Another sergeant enters and goes
round to back of counter.
Second Sergeant: (in high-pitched
voice) Hello, sarge!
First Sergeant: (in very deep
The Second Sergeant is taking his coat off, and the first one begins to pack up his papers. The man carries on with his tale of woe, but still in a high-pitched shriek.
Man: I was sitting at home with a
friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went
to investigate and found £5,000 stolen.
First Sergeant: Well, I'm afraid I'm
going off duty now sir. Er, could you tell Sergeant Foster?
He leaves counter. Sergeant Foster
comes forward with a helpful smile.
Man: (continues in high-pitched
shriek) I was sitting at home with a friend of mine.
Second Sergeant: (G.C.) Excuse me
sir, but, er, why the funny voice?
Man: (normal voice) Oh, terribly
sorry. I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
Second Sergeant: I'm terribly
sorry... I can't hear you, sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?
Man: What! Oh (in a very deep
I wish to report the loss of £5,000.
Second Sergeant: £5,000? That's
serious, you'd better speak to the Detective Inspector.
At that moment, via the miracle of
cueing, the Detective Inspector comes out of his office.
(in very slow deep voice) What's the trouble, sergeant?
Second Sergeant: (speaking at
fantastic speed) Well- this- gentleman- sir- has- just- come- in- to- report-
that- he- was- sitting- at- home- with- a- friend- when- he- heard- a- noise-
in- the- backroom- went- round- to- investigate- and- found- that-£5,000- in-
savings- had- been- stolen.
Inspector: (deep voice) I see.
to man and addresses him in normal voice) Where do you live sir?
Man: (normal voice) 121, Halliwell
Road, Dulwich, SE21
The Detective Inspector has been
straining to hear but has failed. The Second Sergeant comes in helpfully.
Second Sergeant: (fast) 121-
Halliwell- Road- Dulwich- SE21
Inspector: (squeak) Another Halliwell
Road job eh, sergeant?
First Sergeant: (fast) Yes- I- can't-
believe- it- I- thought- the- bloke- who'd- done- that- was- put- inside- last-
Second Sergeant: (squeak) Yes, in
First Sergeant: (deep) Well it must
have been somebody else.
Inspector: (very deep) Thank you,
sergeant. (normal voice to man) We'll get things moving right away, sir.
picks up phone and dials, at the same time he shrieks in high voice to the First
Sergeant) You take over here, sergeant (very deep voice to the Second
Alert all squad cars in the area. (ridiculous sing-song voice into phone) Ha-allo
Dar-ling, I'm afra-ID I sh-A-ll BE L-ate H-O-me this evening.
Meanwhile the Second Sergeant has a
radio-controlled microphone and is singing down it in fine operatic tenor.
Second Sergeant: (singing) Calling
all squad cars in the area...
Cut to vox pops.
Lovely Girl: (in deep male voice,
dubbed on) I think that's in very bad taste.
Animated Pig: (meows)
Animated Giraffe: (barks)
President Nixon: (superimposed sheep
Upperclass Twit: (J.C.) Some people
do talk in the most extraordinary way.