THE DEATH OF MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS/ EXPLODING PENGUIN ON TV SET

   

Cut to radio.

 

Voice Over: (J.C.) Number twenty-two. The nipple.

   

Arrow indicates the tuning dial. Pull back. Two women are listening to the set. The announcer continues from the radio set.

 

Announcer's Voice: (still J.C.) ...and that concludes the week's episode of 'How to Recognize Different Parts of the Body', adapted for radio by Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip. And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series, 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.' Part One: The Beginning.

 

Theme music plays - 'Theme for the Coronation Scot' by Vivian Ellis

 

Man's Voice: You are Mary, Queen of Scots?

 

Woman's voice: I am!

 

There now follows a long sequence of noises indicating that Mary is getting seven bells knocked out of her. Thumps, bangs, slaps, pneumatic drilling, sawing, flogging, shooting, all interlaced with Mary's screams. The two women listen calmly. After a few seconds: fade as the 'Coronation Scot' theme tune is brought up loudly to denote ending of episode.

  

Announcer's Voice: Episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately.

 

One of the women goes over to the set and switches it over. As she goes back to her seat from the radio we hear the theme music again, fading out as the sounds of violence and screaming starts again, as before. After a bit…

 

Man's Voice: I think she's dead.

 

Woman's voice: No I'm not!

 

More violence, banging etc. After a time, this rapidly fades under the 'Coronation Scot' theme tune.

 

Announcer's Voice: That was episode two of 'The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots', adapted for radio by Bernard Hollowood and Brian London. And now, Radio Four will explode.

 

A short excerpt of “Coronation Scot”, then the radio explodes.

 

First Pepperpot: (G.C.) We'll have to watch the telly then.

 

Second Pepperpot: (J.C.) Yes

 

The pepperpots get up off the sofa and swivel it round so that it faces the TV set in the corner of the room.

 

First Pepperpot: What's that on the television then?

 

Second Pepperpot: Looks like a penguin.

 

On the TV set there is indeed a stuffed penguin. There is nothing on the screen.

  Penguin on the TV

First Pepperpot: No, no, no, I didn't mean what's on the television set, I meant what programme.

 

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

 

The second pepperpot goes to the TV, switches it on and returns to her chair. The set takes a long time to warm up and produce a picture. During this pause the following conversation takes place:

 

Second Pepperpot: It's funny that penguin being there innit? What's it doing there?

 

First Pepperpot: Standing.

  

Second Pepperpot: I can see that!

  

First Pepperpot: If it lays an egg, it will fall down the back of the television set.

  

Second Pepperpot: We'll have to watch that. Unless it's a male.

  

First Pepperpot: Ooh, I never thought of that.

  

Second Pepperpot: Yes, looks fairly butch.

  

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it comes from next door. 

 

Second Pepperpot: Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the Antarctic.

 

First Pepperpot: Burma.

 

Second Pepperpot: Why d’ya say Burma?

 

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

 

Second Pepperpot: Oh. Perhaps it's from the zoo.

 

First Pepperpot: Which zoo?

 

Second Pepperpot: How should I know which zoo? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernowski.

 

First Pepperpot: How does Doctor Bernowski know which zoo it came from?

 

Second Pepperpot: He knows everything.

 

First Pepperpot: Ooooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life. Anyway, if it came from the zoo, it would have 'property of the zoo' stamped on it.

 

Second Pepperpot: No it wouldn't. They don't stamp animals 'property of the zoo'. You can't stamp a huge lion.

 

First Pepperpot: They stamp them when they're small.

 

Second Pepperpot: What happens when they moult?

 

First Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.

 

Second Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. There, I've run rings around you logically.

 

First Pepperpot: Oh, intercourse the penguin.

 

On the TV screen there now appears an announcer.

 

TV Announcer: (T.J.) It's just gone 8 o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

  

The penguin on top of the set now explodes.

  

First Pepperpot: How did he know that was going to happen?!

  

TV Announcer: It was an inspired guess. And now...

 

Cut to picture of a shin.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-three. The shin.

 

Cut to picture of Reginald Maudling.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-four. Reginald's Maudling’s shin

 The brain

Cut to Gilliam-type open-head picture, with arrow superimposed.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-five. The brain.

 

Cut to picture of Margaret Thatcher. Arrow points to her knee.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-six. Margaret Thatcher's brain.

 

Cut to a fairly wide still picture of cricket match in progress. Batsman, bowler, ring of fielders all have polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. Little arrows point to each pair of Bermuda shorts.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-seven. More naughty bits.

 

Cut to a picture of a set of Government ministers (i.e. the cabinet) sitting at a table. Arrows point down below the table to their naughty bits.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-eight. The naughty bits of the cabinet.

    

     

Back to Season Two index