SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC/SCOTT OF THE SAHARA
to Phil from the French Subtitled Film
(E.I.) Pretty strong meat there from Longueur, who is saying, of course, that
ultimately materialism, in this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy us
all. That was for O. Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester.
Later on, we're going to take a look at John Wayne's latest movie, 'Buckets of
Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads' but now we look ahead. On Tuesday Chris
Conger took a BBC film unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are shooting
their latest epic 'Scott of the Antarctic'.
Conger standing with back to pier and a few holidaymakers behind him.
(G.C.) Sea, sand and sunshine make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera. But for
the next six months this sleepy Devonshire resort will be transformed into the
blizzard-swept wastes of the South Pole. For today shooting starts on the epic
'Scott of the Antarctic', produced by Gerry Schlick. (walks over to Schlick)
(E.I.) (American) Hello.
Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott.
Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?
Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex, which is a new white foam rubber
which actually on screen looks more like snow than snow...
to shot of people nailing and sticking white foam rubber over things. It looks
terrible. Others are painting the sand with white paint.
... and 1,600 cubic US furlongs of white paint, with a special snow finish.
And I believe Kirk Vilb is playing the title role.
That is correct. We were very thrilled and honoured when Kirk agreed to play the
part of Lieutenant Scott (cut to Kirk Vilb who is wearing fur open at the chest;
he is having a chest wig stuck on and icing sugar squeezed on to his nose and
eyebrows) because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose, but he read the
title and just flipped. (cut back to Gerry Schlick and Chris Conger) And
directing we have a very fine young British director, James McRettin, who's been
collaborating on the screenplay, of course Jimmy...
rushes into foreground. He is Scottish and drunk. He has a very coincidentally
passing resemblence to director Joseph McGrath.
(J.C.) Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great.
Hello. Marvellous. Marvellous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh this is really great. I mean,
it's really saying something, don't you think?
Have you started shooting yet?
Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great - great.
What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?
Great. Terrific. Oh it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort
it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and
anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin
and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink,
have a drink.
But which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?
Yes, great. Oh, marvellous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What?
(to Conger) It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it
is now. I rewrote it. (calls.) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that?
No, we didn't.
We didn't. Oh great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling)
Scene one's back in everyone. Scene one's back in. Great. Great. (to Conger)
This is the scene - outside the tent - it's all bloody marvellous. It makes you
want to throw up.
to Schlick and Conger on the beach.
Now in this scene Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early morning after
walking the huskies to have brunch with the rest of his team. (cut to shot of
tent with Bowers, who is black, and Oates, sitting outside) Oates, played by
your very own lovely Terence Lemming, who is an English cockney officer seconded
to the US Navy, and Bowers played by Seymour Fortescue, the Olympic pole vaulter.
Scott comes up to them. He has two large boxes strapped to his feet to make him
(T.J.) Hi, Lieutenant.
(M.P.) Hi, Oatesy. Sure is a beautiful day already.
(rushing in) Great, great.
What? What are you saying?
I was just saying great, great. Cue Evans.
girl with long blond hair comes into shot with short pink fur coat. She walks up
to Scott who towers four feet above her as she is walking in a trench.
And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans.
Evans is now beneath Scott at knee height.
Good morning, Miss Evans.
Oh, I've forgotten my line.
What's her line? What's her line?
Girl runs in with script.
It's 'Good morning, Captain Scott'.
Oh, yeah. 'Good morning, Captain Sc'..; oh, I'm just not really very happy with
that line. Could I just say 'Hi Scottie'?
Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Hi Scarrie! Oh, sorry. Hi Stocky! Oh - I'm sorry again. Oh, Jim. I'm just
unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, like this? (goes
berserk waving hands) Hi Scottie!
Great! We'll shoot it.
Are you sure that's right?
Oh, it's great.
Schlick walks into the shot.
Jim! Jim! Oh, me!
Jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
Great! Where are they?
Where are who?
I don't know. I was getting confused.
Jim, I feel here, that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with
reference to Vanilla who is too near the ground in the area of being too short
at this time.
Great ... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Scott and put a box in
Say, why don't I take the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench?
It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
What was that?
Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Scott takes his boxes off and you don't stand
in the trench.
I say my lines out of the trench?
Even better. Great.
But I've never acted out of a trench. I might fall over. It's dangerous.
Oh well, could you just try it?
Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench. I played Miss St. John the Baptist in a trench, (she
walks along in the trench and we see that she has two boxes strapped to her feet) and I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss
Alexander Fleming in a furrow so if you want this scene played out of a trench,
well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman. (walks off) I played Miss Galileo
in a groove and I played Mrs Jesus Christ in a geological syncline, so don't...
Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's
But you haven't done a shot.
Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)
Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat
on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the
blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion.
But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
There aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous! Whoever
heard of a lion in the Antarctic? Right. Lose the lion.
Got to keep the lion. It's great!
Lose the lion.
Great. We're losing the lion. Rewrite. Lose the lion everyone. That's fantastic.
What's this about our losing the lion?
Well, Kirk, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little
bit, Kirk, angel.
Well, Kirkie, doll, there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.
(shouts) I get to fight the lion.
It'd be silly.
Listen, I gotta fight the lion. That's what that guy Scott's all about. I know.
I've studied him already.
But why couldn't you fight a penguin?
Great! (falls over)
Fight a rotten penguin?
It needn't be a little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen.
An electric penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting
people, and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting
psssssshhhh in slow motion.
The lion is in the contract.
He fights the lion.
Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the penguin. Stand by to shoot. (falls
Where do they have lions?
That's it. Scott's in Africa. As many lions as we need.
He's looking for a pole no one else knows about. That ties in with the sand.
Right. Paint the sand yellow again. Okay, let's get this show on the road.
'Scott of the Sahara.'
instantly to sky.
'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA'
Over: Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one
woman whose courage shocked a generation.
sun. Pan down to Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs
crossing sand on snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel
dogs, badly disguised as huskies.
Over: From the same team that brought you ... (the names come out
'Lawrence of Glamorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of
Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Leamington' ... comes the story of three
people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled Pole of
the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death struggle
with a crazed desert lion.
four are walking along. Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott
steps to the front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of
lion running out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is then
struck by completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him wrestling,
firstly with the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion suit. The lion
picks up a chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head. Finally Scott kicks
the lion on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and picks up a knife.
Scott points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of the lion's paw. He
advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion collapses in slow
motion. After a pause, phoney blood spurts out.
Over: See Ensign Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine-chilling giant
looks up in horror, a shadow crosses him. Reverse shot of model penguin (quite
small, about a foot) which lights up and looks electric. The penguin is close to
the camera in the foreground and appears huge. Oates looks around desperately
then starts to undress. Shot of penguin throwing tentacle. Half-nude Oates
struggles with it. Intercut a lot of phoney reverses. Oates by now clad only in
posing briefs sees a stone. He picks up the stone, then camera zooms into
above-naval shot; he removes his briefs, puts the stone in the briefs, twirls it
like a sling, and releases stone. The penguin is hit on beak, and falls over
Over: ... See Miss Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk.
Evans is running along screaming. Shot of desk chasing her (phoney desk with man
inside). The roll top goes up and down, emitting roars, and displaying fearsome
white teeth inside. As Evans runs, her clothing gets torn on each of the three
cactuses. These are well spaced apart so that there is a lot of trouble to get
near them. When she is practically nude, she runs out of shot revealing the
And now for something completely different.
It's Man: It's...
Opening credits finally roll.