TRAILER/ ARTHUR TREE

Cut to effeminate announcer sitting at continuity desk. Any resemblance to Mel Oxley should be accidental. His name is David Unction.

Unction: (G.C.) Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it. Ha, ha, ha. And a special good evening to you. Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all the other announcers, but a special good evening from me (holds up card saying 'David Unction') to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun isn't it. Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments 'It's A Tree' and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his star guests. And then at 9.30 we've got another rollocking half hour of laughter-packed squalor with 'Yes it's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree...  

Music. Stock film. Quick cuts. Plane arriving at night. Showbiz lights. Film premières. Audience applauding. Cut to studio: a puppet tree sitting in a middle chair in David Frost type interview set. Zoom in on tree. It has a mouth which moves.

Tree: Hello. Hello people, and welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exiting guests for you this evening. A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland, three gum trees making their first appearance in this country, scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole - there you go, can't be bad - an exiting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this programme, a piece of laminated plastic.

Shot of piece of laminated plastic with mouth.

Plastic: Hi there!

Tree: But first, will you please, please welcome - a block of wood.

Shot of large block four feet cube, with a mouth, on the chair next to Tree. Shot of a forest with the sound of applause over.

Tree: Well, er, thanks Tree. I've got to pay the rent.

They both laugh. Shot of forest laughing.

Tree: Ha, ha, ha, ha, super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?

Block: Well I've just been starring in several major multi-million dollar international films, and, during breaks on the set, I've been designing a Cathedral, doing wonderful unpublicised work for charity, er, finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds, er, photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War Three - can't be bad - and, er learning to read.

Tree: The full Renaissance bit, really...super, super. Well I've got to stop you there Block I'm afraid, because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the New Forest. From America, will you welcome please a Chippendale writing desk.

Animation: a Chippendale desk.

Chip: Thank you Mr Tree. And I'd like to do a few impressions of some of my favourite Englishmen. First off. Long John Silver. (suitable animation) Arrrgh, Jim boy. Arrrrgh. And now Edward Heath. Hello sailor. Now a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter. (a huge hammer smashes it)

Cut to a compère animated by Mr. T. Gilliam.

Compère: Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute we've got something else I just know you're going to love. (fanfares) Yes sir, coming right up - the Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch. (more fanfares)