CAMEL SPOTTING

  

A long hilly scar of land; on either side trees. The track comes straight down from the horizon to camera in valley. At the top of the hill we hear running and heavy breathing. The 'It's' man appears. He runs down the valley to camera but fails to say his line:

 

Voice Off: (prompting) It's... (It's Man cups imaginary tits at his chest inquisitively) no...no...it's...it's...it's...

 

It's Man (M.P.): (finally) It's...

 

Opening animation sequence.

  

In the country. Interviewer with microphone. Behind him a man sits on a wall, with clip-board, binoculars and spotting gear.

 

Interviewer (J.C.): Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.

 

Spotter (E.I.): Hello Peter.Camel spotter

 

Interviewer: Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?

 

Spotter: Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.

 

Interviewer: Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?

 

Spotter: Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.

 

Interviewer: Nearly one?

 

Spotter: Er, call it none.

 

Interviewer: Fine. And er how long have you been here?

 

Spotter: Three years.

 

Interviewer: So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?

 

Spotter: Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti spotter.

 

Interviewer: A Yeti spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.

 

Spotter: Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very - quite... it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.

 

Interviewer: And have you seen them all?

 

Spotter: Well I've seen one. Well a little one... a picture of a... I've heard about them.

 

Interviewer: Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?

 

Spotter: Er, I take its number.

 

Interviewer: Camels don't have numbers.

 

Spotter: Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.

 

Interviewer: What?

 

Spotter: Ah - of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.

 

Interviewer: Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?

 

Spotter: Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.

 

Interviewer: Mr. Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train spotter?

 

Spotter: What?

 

Interviewer: Don't you in fact spot trains?

 

Spotter: Oh, you're no fun anymore.

 

A silly bit of animation involving an Indian band in which the phrase "You're no fun anymore" is uttered.

 

Then a girl in bed. Count Dracula (G.C.) enters. The girl reveals her neck. The vampire goes to bite her but his fangs fall out.

 

Girl (Donna Reading): Oh, you're no fun anymore.

  

A man at the yardarm being lashed.

 

Lasher (T.J.): .. thirty-nine... forty. All right, cut him down, Mr. Fuller.

 

Lashee (E.I.): Oh you're no fun anymore.

 

Back to camel spotter.

 

Spotter: Now if anybody else pinches my phrase I'll throw them under a camel.

 

Interviewer: (giggling) If you can spot one.

 

Spotter gives him a dirty look. Knight in armour appears beside him. He hits interviewer with chicken.

  

   

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