IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE MODERN ARMY/ UNDRESSING IN PUBLIC
  

A gym. Four men waiting there in t-shirts and shorts, with an ex-RSM type.
 
RSM: (J.C.)
Sir! Good evening, class.
 
All: Good evening.
 
RSM: Where's all the others, then?
 
All: They're not here.
 
RSM: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
 
All: Don't know.
 
First Man: (G.C.) Perhaps they've got flu.
 
RSM: Flu...flu? They should eat more fresh fruit. (does terrible twitch or tic) Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
 
All:
(disappointed) Oh.
 
Second Man: (M.P.)
You promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
 
RSM: What do you mean?
 
Third Man: (T.J.)
We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
 
RSM:
What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
 
Second Man:
But couldn't we do something else, for a change?
 
Fourth Man: (E.I.) Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
 
RSM: (scornfully) Pointed sticks? Ho, ho, ho. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, thus... (demonstrates)
 
All: We've done the passion fruit.
 
RSM: What?
 
First Man: We've done the passion fruit.
 
Second Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruits.
 
Third Man: Whole and segments.
 
Second Man: Pomegranates, greengages.
 
First Man: Grapes, passion fruit.
 
Second Man: Lemons.
 
Third Man: Plums.
 
First Man:
Yes, and mangoes in syrup.
 
RSM: How about cherries?
 
All: We done them.
 
RSM: Red and black?
 
All: Yes.
 
RSM: All right then...bananas!
 
All: Oh.
 
RSM: We haven't done them, have we?
 
All: No.
 
RSM: Right! Bananas! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. (to first man) Here, you, take this. (throws him a banana) Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend. First of all, you force him to drop the banana, next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.
 
Second Man: Suppose he's got a bunch.
 
RSM: Shut up!
 
Fourth Man: Supposing he's got a pointed stick.
 
RSM: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
 
First Man: Harrison.
 
RSM: Harrison, Mr. Harrison. Come at me with that banana then. Come on attack me with it. As hard as you like. Come on. (Harrison moves towards him rather half-heartedly) No no no. Put something into it for God's sake. Hold it, like that. Scream. (Harrison screams) Now come on, come on...attack me, come on, come on
 
Harrison runs towards him screaming; RSM draws a revolver and fires it, right in Harrison's face; Harrison dies immediately, falling to the ground; RSM puts gun away and walks to banana
 

RSM: Now...I eat the banana.
 
He does so; the rest of the class gather around Mr Harrison's body
 
All: You shot him. He's dead...dead. He's completely dead. You've shot him.
 
RSM: (finishing the banana) I have now eaten the banana. The deceased Mr Apricot is now disarmed.
 
Second Man:
You shot him. You shot him dead.
 
RSM: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
 
Third Man: Well, you told him to.
 
RSM: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.
 
Fourth Man: And pointed sticks.
 
RSM: Shut up.
 
Second Man: Supposing someone came at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?
 
RSM: Run for it.
 
Third Man: You could stand and scream for help.
 
RSM: You try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
 
Third Man: A pineapple?
 
RSM: (jumping with fear) Where? Where?
 
Third Man: Nowhere. I was just saying pineapple.
 
RSM: Oh blimey. I thought my number was on that one.
 
Third Man: (amazed) What, on the pineapple?
 
RSM: (jumping) Where? Where?
 
Third Man: No I was just repeating it.
 
RSM: Oh. Oh. Right. That's the banana then. Next... the raspberry. (pulling one out of pocket) Harmless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tinned Peach...
 
Third Man: Thompson.
 
RSM: Mr Thompson, come at me with that raspberry then. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it.
 
Third Man: No.
 
RSM: Why not?
 
Third Man: You'll shoot me.
 
RSM: I won't.
 
Third Man: You shot Mr. Harrison.
 
RSM: That was self-defence. Come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
 
Fourth Man:
You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
 
RSM: Shut up. Now. Brandish that...brandish that raspberry. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it. Come on.
 
Third Man: No. Throw the gun away.
 
RSM: I haven't got a gun.
 
Third Man: Oh yes, you have.
 
RSM: I haven't.
 
Third Man: You have. You shot Mr Harrison with it.
 
RSM: Oh... that gun.
 
Third Man: Throw it away.
 
RSM: All right. (throws it away) How to defend yourself against a raspberry, without a gun.
 
Third Man: You were going to shoot me!
 
RSM: I wasn't.
 
Third Man: You were.
 
RSM: Wasn't. Come on, come on you worm...you miserable little man. Come at me then...come on, do your worst, you worm. (third man runs at him; the RSM steps back and pulls a lever; a sixteen-ton weight falls upon the man) If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, simply pull the lever...and a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. I learnt that in Malaya.
 
Second Man:
Suppose you haven't got a sixteen-ton weight?
 
RSM: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
 
Second Man:
How many sixteen-ton weights are there?
 
RSM: Look...look, smarty pants, the sixteen-ton weight is just one way of dealing with the raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
 
Fourth Man: Like what?
 
RSM: Shoot him.
 
Second Man: Well, supposing you haven't got a gun or a sixteen-ton weight?
 
RSM: All right clever dick, all right clever dick. You two, come at me with raspberries, there you are, a whole basket each. Come on, come at me with them, then.
 
Second Man: No gun?
 
RSM: No.
 
Second Man: No sixteen-ton weight?
 
RSM: No.
 
Fourth Man: No pointed stick?
 
RSM: Shut up.
 
Second Man: No rocks up in the ceiling?
 
RSM: No.
 
Second Man: You won't kill us.
 
RSM: I won't kill you.
 
Second Man: Promise.
 
RSM: I promise I won't kill you. Now, are you going to attack me?
 
Second Man and Fourth Man: All right.

RSM: Right, now don't rush me this time. I'm going to turn me back. So you can stalk me...right. Come up as quietly as you can, right, close up behind me, then, in with the raspberries, right? Start moving (they start to creep up behind him) Now...the first thing to do when you are being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to...release the tiger. (he presses button and a tiger flashes past him in direction of second and fourth men; cries are heard from them as well as roaring) The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries. The tiger, however, do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. (he turns to look at the scene) Right...I know you're there - lurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes...now, the rest of you - I know you're hiding behind the wall bars with your quinces. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together! I've warned you...I warned you, right. That's it...
 
Big explosion.

 

 

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