GORILLA LIBRARIAN/ LETTERS TO THE 'DAILY MIRROR'
(Cut to interview room in town hall: a tweedy colonel type chairman; next to hint a vicar and a lady with a pince-nez. The chairman is holding up a picture of Caesar from Vox Pops at the end of the Pet Conversions sketch. As the camera pulls out he rather obviously throws it away.)
Vicar: (T.J.) Here, what was that picture?
Chairman: (G.C.) Ssh! Next! (a gorilla enters) Good morning - Mr Phipps?
Gorilla: (E.I.) That's right, yes.
Chairman: Er, do take a seat.
Gorilla: Right sir. (sits)
Chairman: Now could you tell us roughly why you want to become a librarian?
Gorilla: Er, well, I've had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.
Chairman: Yes, yes. What sort of experience?
Gorilla: Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science Library.
Chairman: Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience... coupled with the fact that, um, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.
Vicar: (aside) Is he a gorilla?
Chairman: Yes he is.
Vicar: Well why didn't it say on his form that he's a gorilla?
Chairman: Well you see, applicants are not required to fill in their species.
Vicar: What was that picture?
Chairman: Ssh! ... Mr Phipps, what is your attitude toward censorship in a public library?
Gorilla: How do you mean, sir?
Vicar: Well I mean for instance, would you for instance stock 'Last Exit to Brooklyn'... or... 'Groupie'?
Gorilla: Yes, I think so.
Chairman: Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible Mr Phipps. I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its difficulties ... Mr Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.
Gorilla: I'm sorry sir.
Chairman: Oh, no, don't be sorry. You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Vicar: And also, they're much more permissive. Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelves...
Chairman: Yes. Yes. Yes. (a maniacal look in his eyes) Yes, yes Mr Phipps. I love seeing the customers when they come in to complain about some book being damaged, and ask to see the chief librarian and then ... you should see their faces when the proud beast leaps from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs into their soft er ... (collects himself) Mr Phipps ... Kong! You can be our next librarian - you're proud majestic and fierce enough ... will you do it?
Gorilla: I ... don't think I can sir.
Vicar: Why not?
Gorilla: I.. I'm not really a gorilla...
Gorilla: I'm a librarian in a skin ...
Chairman: Why this deception?
Gorilla: Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.
Chairman: Get out, Mr Librarian Phipps, seeing as you're not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us in order to further your career ... (gorilla leaves) Next. (a dog comes in) Ah. Mr Pattinson ... Sit!
(Cut to angry letters.)
Voice Over: (E.I.) (reads) Dear Mirror View, I would like to be paid five guineas for saying something stupid about a television show. Yours sincerely, Mrs Sybil Agro.
Voice Over: (J.C.) Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday. Why should I have to pay sixty-four guineas each year for my television licence when I can buy one for six. Yours sincerely, Captain R. H. Pretty. P.S. Support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running-in please pass.
Voice Over: (G.C.) Dear Old Codgers, some friends of mine and I have formed a consortium, and working with sophisticated drilling equipment, we have discovered extensive nickel deposits off Western Scotland. The Cincinnati Mining Company.
Voices Over: Good for you, ma'am.
Voice Over: (M.P.) Dear Old Codgers, I am President of the United States of America, Yours truly, R. M. Nixon.
Voices Over: Phew! Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am.
Voice Over: (T.J.) Dear Sir, I am over three thousand years old and would like to see any scene with two people in bed.
Voices Over: Bet that's a link ma'am.