ITALIAN LESSON/ WHIZZO BUTTER
Cut to a night school Teacher looking down out of classroom window. He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on near end. He crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which has written on it 'evening classes 7-8 p.m.'. He writes 'Italian' below this and turns to camera.
Teacher (T.J.): Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
Shout of 'Si! Si! Si!' from the class whom we see are all Italians.
Teacher: Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
Giuseppe (M.P.): Il cucchiaio.
Teacher: Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say: 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.
Giuseppe: Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.
Teacher: Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?
All: Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
Teacher: Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er... Mr... ?
Mariolini (J.C.): Mariolini.
Teacher: Ah, Mr. Mariolini, and where are you from?
Mariolini: Napoli, signor.
Teacher: Ah ... you're an Italian.
Mariolini: Si, si signor!
Teacher: Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.
Mariolini: Ah, capisco, mile grazie signor...
Francesco (E.I.): Per favore, signor!
Francesco: Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Italiano di Napoli quando il habitare de Milano.
Teacher: I'm sorry ... I don't understand!
Giuseppe: (pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why must he say...'
Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure stands up.
Helmut (G.C.): Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?
Teacher: Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
Helmut: Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah das deutsche Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves)
Giuseppe: My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'
Teacher: Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'
Francesco: (agitatedly, leaping to his feet) Eeeeeee! Milano è tanto meglio di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti ... nel mondo...
Giuseppe: He say 'Milan is better than Napoli'.
Teacher: Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.
In the background everyone has started talking in agitated Italian. At this point a genuine mandolin-playing Italian secreted amongst the cast strikes up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or similar. The class is out of control by this time. The teacher helplessly tries to control then but eventually gives up and retreats to his desk and sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and he leaps up.
ANIMATION: The Blackboard with the coloured pigs drawn on it, is reproduced on the first few frames of the animation film. A real hand comes into the picture and crosses off a third pig. Thereafter action follows the dictates of Gilliam's wonderfully visual mind.
At the end of this animation we have an advertisement for Whizzo butter.
Voice Over (T.G.):
(on animation) Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo butter containing 10% more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to HEAVEN!
Cut to a group middle-aged lower-middle-class women (hereinafter referred to as 'Pepperpots') being interviewed.
First Pepperpot (G.C.): I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Interviewer (M.P.): Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.
Pepperpots: It's true, we can't. No.
Second Pepperpot (J.C.): Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer: (modestly) Yes, yes.
Second Pepperpot: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.
Third Pepperpot (T.J.): You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.