'IT'S THE ARTS'/ JOHANN GAMBOLPUTTY... OF ULM

 

In the foreground we see a telephone. In the very distant background we see the 'It's' man. The telephone starts to ring. The 'It's' man runs towards the camera and the telephone (speeded up). He arrives at the telephone, picks up the receiver and is about to speak into the mouthpiece when he remembers the camera. He puts his hand over the mouthpiece and says to the camera:

 

It's Man (M.P.): It's...

 

He returns to the receiver.

 

Animated opening titles.

 

Caption: 'NEXT WEEK'

  

Caption: 'HOW TO FLING AN OTTER'

 

Caption: 'THIS WEEK'

 

Caption: 'THE BBC ENTRY FOR THE ZINC STOAT OF BUDAPEST (CURRENT AFFAIRS)'

 

Caption: 'THESE CAPTIONS COST 12/6D. EACH'

 

Cut to presenter in studio.

 

Superimposed Caption: 'ARTHUR FIGGIS'

 

Lose caption. Pause.

 

Caption: 'THE SAME. A FEW SECONDS LATER'

 

Superimposed Caption: 'THAT'S £4.7.6 SO FAR ON CAPTIONS ALONE'

 

Superimposed Caption: 'NOT INCLUDING THAT ONE'

 

Man (M.P.): (rushing in) I thought you did that so well Mr. Figgis, could I have your autograph?

 

Figgis (G.C.): You certainly can

 

Presenter signs autograph. Part of his signature gets away (animation) and eventually leads us into the title: 'It's the Arts'. Classical music plays.

 

Figgis: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties...I'm sorry...Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm? To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern... (fades out)

 

Cut to old man sitting blanketed, in wheel-chair, as he speaks, intercut with shot of interviewer nodding and looking interested.

 

Karl (T.J.): Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von...

 

Interviewer (J.C.): (as he speaks intercut with shots of Karl nodding and trying to look interested) Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, and ask you - just quickly - if there's any particular thing that you remember about Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

 

No response. He shakes the old man, then gets up and listens to his heart. Realizing with exasperation that his interviewee has died, he starts digging a grave. Cut back to presenter.

 

Figgis: A tribute to Johann Gambolputty...

 

Cut to Viking.

 

Viking (J.C.): ...de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter...

 

Cut to weedy man in pullover with National Health specs.

 

Man: ...crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle...

 

Cut to knight in armour.

 

Knight in Armour: ...dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher...

 

Cut to a succession of animated characters.

 

Mona Lisa: ...apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic...

 

Lon Chaney: ...grander- knotty- spelltinkle...

 

Policeman: ...grandlich...

 

Pig: ...grumblemeyer...

 

Policeman: ...spelterwasser...

 

Boar: ...kurstlich- himbleeisen...

 

Botticelli Lover: ...bahnwagen- gutenabend...

 

Medieval Couple: ...bitte- ein- nürnburger...

 

Family Group: ...bratwustle...

 

Doctor: ...gerspurten...

 

Bishop & Saint: ...mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut...

 

Two Dancers: ...gumberaber- shönedanker...

 

Three Naked Ladies: ...kalbsfleisch...

 

Cricket Team: ...mittler- aucher...

 

Policemen: ...von Hautkopft...

 

Figgis: ...of Ulm.

 

 

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