COME BACK TO MY PLACE/ ME DOCTOR

Cut to the Queen on horseback; first few bars of National Anthem.

 Cut to Person sitting in cinema seat clutching albatross.

Person: (T.J.) Well that's quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdean ... Albatross!

Cut to a policeman standing in a street. A man comes up to him.

Man: (M.P.) Inspector, inspector.

Inspector: (J.C.) Uh huh.

Man: I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.

Inspector: Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...

Man: No no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.

Inspector: Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.

There is a pause. The man looks a little uncomfortable.

Man: Do you want to come back to my place?

Inspector: (tiny pause) ... Yeah all right.

Film of Women's Institute applauding.

Cut to a man on a bench in casualty ward set.

Burtenshaw: (T.J.) Albatross

Doctor and sister enter.

Doctor: (E.I.) Mr. Burtenshaw?

Burtenshaw: Me, Doctor?

Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Burtenshaw.

Burtenshaw: My wife, doctor?

Doctor: No, your wife patient, me Doctor.

Sister: (C.C.) Come this way please.

Burtenshaw: Me, Sister?

Doctor: No. She Sister. Me Doctor. You Mr. Burtenshaw.

Nurse enters.

Nurse: (J.C.) Doctor Walters?

Doctor: Me, Nurse. (to sister) You Mr. Burtenshaw. (to man) She Sister. You Doctor. (to nurse)

Nurse: No, doctor.

Doctor: No Doctor? Call ambulance. Keep warm.

Sister: Drink, doctor?

Doctor: Drink doctor. Eat Sister. Cook Mr. Burtenshaw. Nurse me.

Nurse: You, doctor?

Doctor: Me Doctor. You Mr. Burtenshaw. She Nurse.

Burtenshaw: But my wife, Nurse.

Doctor: Your wife not nurse. She Nurse. Your wife patient. Be patient. She Nurse. Your wife. Me doctor. Yew Tree. U-trecht. U-trillo, U Thant, Euphemism. Me Doctor. (knight walks in quickly and hits him over the head with a chicken) Albatross!

Film of Women's Institute applauding.