IT'S WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
A seashore. Some way out to sea a ragged man is struggling his way to shore. Slowly and with difficulty he makes his way up onto the beach, flops down exhausted and announces:
It's Man (M.P): It's...
Voice Over: Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Titles beginning with words "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Various bizarre things happen. When titles end:
Ordinary grey-suited announcer standing by desk. He smiles confidently.
Announcer: Good evening.
The announcer confidently moves to chair and sits down. There is a squeal as of a pig being sat upon.
Cut to a blackboard with several lines of pigs drawn on it in colour. A man steps into view and with a piece of chalk crosses out one of the pigs.
Caption: 'IT'S WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART'
Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the keys. He finishes tinkling.
Mozart (J.C.): Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis.
Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about purposefully. Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis Khan with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This happens very suddenly. Judges hold up cards with points on, in the manner of ice-skating judges.
Voice Over (G.C.): 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
Mozart still at piano.
Mozart: Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the scores.
Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure standing by it. The scoreboard looks a little like this:
A. Lincoln (U.S. of A)
King Edward VII
Eddie (E.I.): Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean D’arc, then Marat in his bath - best of friends with Charlotte in the showers afterwards - then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.
Mozart still at piano.
Mozart: Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's request death. (taking card off piano) For Mr. and Mrs. Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston Road, Hull, the death of Mr. Bruce Foster of Guildford.
Cut to a lounge setting. Mr. Foster sitting in chair.
Foster (G.C): Strewth! (he dies)
Mozart still there. He looks at watch.
Mozart: Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet another program and so it is finale time. We are proud to be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.
Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a pause a body flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson as possible. As it plummets there is a strangled scream.
Nelson: Kiss me Hardy!
The body hits the ground. There is the loud noise of a pig squealing.