NUDGE NUDGE
 
Two men in a pub, a typical English gent and a bounder

 
Man (E.I.): Evening, squire!
 
Squire (T.J.):
(stiffly) Good evening
 
Man: Is your wife a...goer...eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more...know what I mean?
 
Squire: I beg your pardon?Nudge nudge
 
Man: Your wife...does she, er, does she 'go' - eh? eh? eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Say no more.
 
Squire: Well, she sometimes goes, yes.
  

Man: I bet she does. I bet she does. I bet she does. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge.
 
Squire: I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you.
 
Man: Follow me. Follow me. I like that. That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? (elbow gesture; rubs it)
 
Squire: (not understanding) Are you trying to sell something?
 
Man: Selling, selling. Very good. Very good. (hand tilting quickly) Oh, wicked. Wicked. You're wicked. Eh? Know what I mean. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. (leaning over to him, making eye gesture; speaks slowly) Say...no...more. (leans back as if having imparted a great secret)
 
Squire: But...
 
Man: (stops him with finger which he lays alongside nose; gives slight tap) Your wife is she, eh... is she a sport. Eh?
 
Squire: She likes sport, yes!

Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!
 
Squire: She is very fond of cricket, as a matter of fact.
 
Man: (leans across, looking away) Who isn't, eh? Know what I mean. Likes games, likes games. Knew she would. Knew she would. Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around, eh? Been around?
 
Squire: She's travelled. She's from Purley.
 
Man: Oh...oh. Say no more, say no more. Say no more - Purley, say no more. Purley, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean. Say no more.
 
Squire: (about to speak; can't think of anything to say)
 
Man: (leers, grinning) Your wife interested in er... (waggles head, leans across) photographs, eh? Know what I mean? Photographs, 'he asked him knowingly'.
 
Squire: Photography?
 
Man: Yes. Nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin grin, wink wink, say no more?
 
Squire: Holiday snaps?
 
Man: Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes - swimming costumes. Know what I mean. Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge.
 
Squire: No, no we don't have a camera.
 
Man: Oh. Still (makes that arm movement) Whoa! Eh? Wo-oah! Eh?
 
Squire: Look, are you insinuating something?
 
Man: Oh...no...no... Yes.
 
Squire: Well?
 
Man: Well. I mean. Er, I mean. You're a man of the world, aren't you...I mean, er, you've er... you've been there haven't you...I mean you've been around...eh?
 
Squire: What do you mean?
 
Man: Well I mean like you've er...you've done it...I mean like, you know...you've...er...you've slept...with a lady.
 
Squire: Yes.
 
Man: What's it like?
 
Enormous artificial laugh on sound track.
 
Closing film, starting with referee blowing whistle and then into 'It's' man running away from camera.
 
Roller Caption: '"HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT TYPES OF TREES FROM QUITE A LONG WAY AWAY" WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY...(CREDITS)'
 
Voice Over (J.C.): The Larch

 

 

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