QUIZ PROGRAMME - 'WISHES'/ 'PROBE-AROUND' ON CRIME/ STONEHENGE

Cut to interviewer and two small boys.

Interviewer: (J.C.) (gently) What's your name?

Eric: (E.I.) Eric.

Interviewer: Would you like to have a sixteen-ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?

Eric: Don't know.

Brief stock shot of theatre audience applauding.

Interviewer: How about you?

Michael: (M.P.) I want to have.

Interviewer: What do you want to have?

Michael: I want to have... I want to have Racquel Welch dropped on top of me.

Interviewer: Dropped on top of you.

Michael: Oh yes, not climbing.

Eric: She's got a big bottom.

Applause stock shot. Cut to interviewer and two city gents (on their knees).

Interviewer: And what's your name?

Trevor: (G.C.) Trevor Atkinson.

Interviewer: And how old are you, Trevor?

Trevor: I'm forty-two.

Applause stock shot.

Interviewer: (to other city gent) Are you a friend of Trevor's?

City Gent: (M.P.) Yes, we're all colleagues from the Empire and General Insurance Company.

Interviewer: And what do you do?

City Gent: Well I deal mainly with mortgage protection policies, but I also do certain types of life assurance.

Interviewer: Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?

Trevor: I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.

Fairy godmother trips lightly into shot.

Fairy: (E.I.) And so you shall.

Cut to open country. A policeman (T.J.) cycles up and parks his bike. From the saddlebag he takes a burglar's outfit - striped jersey, cap, and trousers. He lays them out on the ground, and inflates them with a bicycle pump. The inflated burglar runs away in speeded-up motion. The policeman blows his whistle. Three more policemen appear out of nowhere. He points forward and the four of them move off in a pixilated motion after the burglar. The burglar runs across moor land; the policemen follow him. Dick Barton theme music. The burglar lures the policemen into a large packing crate, slams the door on them and nails on it a label: 'Do not open until Christmas'. In the background a policeman with a fairy tutu appears suddenly out of thin air. He waves his wand at the burglar, who disappears. Cut to policeman, with wand, standing in a street.

Policeman: (M.P.) Yes, we in Special Crime Squad have been using wands for almost a year now. You find it's easy to make yourself invisible. You can defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into frogs. Something which you could never do with the old truncheons.

'Panorama' music and still photos of policemen in tutus.

Caption: 'PROBE AROUND' 

Cut to interviewer at desk of 'Panorama' type set-up.

First Interviewer: (J.C.) Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at crime...

A shot rings out and he slumps backward. A second interviewer runs into shot from behind camera with smoking gun.

Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about that, but I always introduce this programme, not him. (he pushes the first interviewer off his chair with his foot and takes his place) Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at Crime. Is it true that the police are using dachshunds to combat the crime wave? And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?

Cut to close-up of a constable reading big book. He is very, very, very stupid.

Policeman: (T.J.) Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.

Cut back to interviewer.

Second Interviewer: With me now is Inspector Harry H 'Snapper' Organs of 'H' Division.

Cut to another part of the 'Panorama' set. Detective Inspector Organs is sitting next to a Viking (T.G.).

Organs: (M.P.) Good evening.

Cut back to interviewer and hereafter cross cut between them.

Interviewer: Er, Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic in the Police Force?

Organs: That is correct. (as he speaks he sticks pins into a model of a burglar) The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one. Good evening. The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening. Guilt fears abound, good evening. In the subconscious in this state, one of our lads, with a fair training in the black arts can scare the fertilizer out of them.

Interviewer: Just how are the police combating the increase with the use of the occult? Ex-King Zog of Albania reports ...(phone rings) Well we seem to have lost ex-King Zog there, but who cares. Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing into their crime prevention techniques?

Cut to four chief constables huddled round an Ouija board. The have their fingers on a tumbler which moves slowly from one letter to the next.

Policemen: U-P Y-O-U-R-S.

Second Policeman: (J.C.) Up yours? What a rude Ouija board!

Cut to more film: policeman with wand. By pointing the wand at illegally parked cars he makes them disappear. Another policeman on the pavement helping an old lady across road. He looks to see if the road is clear, waves his wand and she jumps across to other side. Another street: a police siren is heard then five policemen on broom sticks appear from round corner and disappear across frame.

Cut to Stonehenge. A burglar is bound to a stone altar. Policemen are dancing round it.

Mix to picture of same thing in newspaper which is being read by a chief constable in his office.

Chief Constable: (T.J.) Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.

Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim-fitting ladies evening gown, diamante handbag and helmet.

Sergeant: (G.C.) I know, sir.