SECRET SERVICE DENTISTS
Animation: Ends with cut-out animation of sedan chair; matching shot links into next film.
Cut to deserted beach. Sedan chair arrives at deserted beach. Flunkey opens the door. Gentleman gets out in his eighteenth-century finery. The flunkeys help him to change into a lace-trimmed striped bathing costume. He then gets back into the sedan chair and they all trot off onto the sea.
Cut to singer in bed with woman. Singer reclining with guitar.
Singer: (E.I.) And did those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...we'd like to alter the mood a little, we'd like to bring you something for mum and dad, Annie, and Roger, Mazarin and Louis and all at Versailles, it's a little number called 'England's Mountains Green'. Hope you like it. And did those feet in ancient time...
Cut to a man standing in the countryside.
Man: (J.C.) (rustic accent) Yes, you know it's a man's life in England's Mountain Green.
The Colonel from the "Man's Life" sketch enters.
Colonel: (G.C.) Right I heard that, I heard that, I'm going to stop this sketch now, and if there's any more of this, I'm going to stop the whole programme. I thought it was supposed to be about teeth anyway. Why don't you do something about your teeth - go on. (walks off)
Man: What about my rustic monologue? I'm not sleeping with that producer again.
Cut to film of various sporting activities, wild west stage coach etc.
Voice Over: (with big music, excited) Excitement, drama, action, violence, fresh fruit. Passion. Thrills. Spills. Romance. Adventure, all the things you can read about in a book.
Cut to bookshop. A bookseller is standing behind the counter. Arthur enters the shot and goes up to the counter. The bookseller jumps and look about furtively.
Book seller: (J.C.) Er... oh!
Arthur: (E.I.) Good morning, I'd like to buy a book please.
Book seller: Oh, well I'm afraid we don't have any. (trying to hide them)
Arthur: I'm sorry?
Book seller: We don't have any books. We're fresh out of them. Good morning.
Arthur: Well what are all these?
Book seller: All what? Oh! All these, ah ah ha ha. Your referring to these ... books.
Book seller: They're um ... they're all sold. Good morning.
Arthur: What all of them?
Book seller: Every single man Jack of them. Not a single one of them in an unsold state. Good morning.
Arthur: Who to?
Book seller: What?
Arthur: Who are they sold to?
Book seller: Oh ... various ... good Lord is that the time? Oh my goodness I must close for lunch.
Arthur: It's only half past ten.
Book seller: Ah yes, well I feel rather peckish ... very peckish actually, I don't expect I'll open again today. I think I'll have a really good feed. I say! Look at that lovely bookshop just across the road there, they've got a much better selection than we've got, probably at ridiculously low prices ... just across the road there. (he has the door open) Good morning.
Arthur: But I was told to come here.
Book seller: (bundling him back in) Well. Well, I see. Er ... (very, carefully) hear the gooseberries are doing well this year... and so are the mangoes. (winks)
Arthur: I'm sorry?
Book seller: Er .,. oh . .. I was just saying ... thinking of the weather.. I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year... and so are the mangoes.
Arthur: Mine aren't
Book seller: (nodding keenly, with anticipation) Go on...
Book seller: Go on - mine aren't ... but...
Book seller: Aren't you going to say something about 'mine aren't but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight'?
Book seller: Oh, ah, good morning, (starts to bundle him out then stops) Wait. Who sent you?
Arthur: The little old lady in the sweet shop.
Book seller: She didn't have a duelling scar just here ... and a hook?
Book seller: Of course not, I was thinking of somebody else. Good morning.
Arthur: Wait a minute, there's something going on here.
Book seller: (spinning round.) What, where? You didn't see anything did you?
Arthur: No, but I think there's something going on here.
Book seller: No no, well there's nothing going on here at all (shouts off) and he didn't see anything. Good morning.
Arthur: (coming back into shop) There is something going on.
Book seller: Look there is nothing going on. Please believe me, there is abso... (a hand comes into view behind Arthur's back; Book seller frantically waves at it to disappear; it does so) . . . lutely nothing going on. Is there anything going on?
A man appears, fleetingly: he is Van der Berg.
Van der Berg: (Dick Vosburgh) No there's nothing going on. (disappears)
Book seller: See there's nothing going on.
Arthur: Who was that?
Book seller: That was my aunt, look what was this book you wanted then? Quickly! Quickly!
Arthur: Oh, well, I'd like to buy a copy of an 'Illustrated History of False Teeth'.
Book seller: My God you've got guts.
Book seller: (pulling gun) Just how much do you know?
Arthur: What about?
Book seller: Are you from the British Dental Association?
Arthur: No I'm a tobacconist.
Book seller: Get away from that door.
Arthur: I'll just go over the other...
Book seller: Stay where you are. You'll never leave this bookshop alive.
Arthur: Why not?
Book seller: You know too much, my dental friend.
Arthur: I don't know anything.
Book seller: Come clean. You're a dentist aren't you.
Arthur: No, I'm a tobacconist.
Book seller: A tobacconist who just happens to be buying a book on ...teeth?
Book seller: Ha ha ha ha...
Lafarge enters room with a gun. He is swarthy, French, dressed all in black and menacing.
Lafarge: (M.P.) Drop that gun, Stapleton.
Book seller: Lafarge! (he drops his gun)
Arthur: There is something going on.
Book seller: No there isn't.
Lafarge: OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden the fillings?
Book seller: What fillings?
Lafarge: You know which fillings, Stapleton. Upper right two and four, lower right three and two lower left one. Come on. (he threatens with the gun) Remember what happened to Nigel.
Arthur: What happened to Nigel?
Book seller: Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash.
Arthur: I knew there was something going on.
Book seller: Well there isn't.
Lafarge: Come on Stapleton. The fillings!
Book seller: They're at 22 Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: Don't play games with me! (pokes bookseller in eye with the gun)
Book seller: Oh, oh, 22a Wimpole Street.
Lafarge: That's better.
Book seller: But you'll need an appointment.
Lafarge: OK (shouting out of shop) Brian! Make with the appointment baby. No gas.
Van der Berg appears with machine gun and a nurse (C.C.). He is basically dressed as a dentist but with many rings, chains, wristlets, cravats, buckled shoes and an ear-ring.
Van der Berg: Not so fast Lafarge!
Lafarge: Van der Berg!
Van der Berg: Yes. Now drop the roscoe.
Arthur: There is something going on.
Book seller: No there isn't.
Van der Berg: Get the guns.
The nurse runs forward, picks up the gun and puts it on steel surgeon's tray, and covers it with a white cloth, returning it to Van der Berg.
Arthur: Who's that?
Book seller: That's Van der Berg. He's on our side.
Van der Berg: All right, get up against the wall Lafarge, and you too Stapleton.
Book seller: Me?
Van der Berg: Yes, you!
Book seller: You dirty double-crossing rat.
Arthur: (going with Bookseller) What's happened?
Book seller: He's two-timed me.
Arthur: Bad luck.
Van der Berg: All right ... where are the fillings? Answer me, where are they?
Arthur: This is quite exciting.
Brian enters carrying a bazooka. Brian is dressed in operating-theatre clothes, gown, cap and mask, with rubber gloves and white wellingtons.
Brian: (T.J.) Not so fast.
Arthur: Ooh, what's that?
The Others: It's a bazooka.
Brian: All right. Get against the wall Van der Berg ... and you nurse. And the first one to try anything moves to a practice six feet underground ... this is an anti-tank gun ... and it's loaded ...and you've just got five seconds to tell me ... whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Brian: Oh ... I'm sorry ... my mind was wandering ... I've had a terrible day... I really have ... you've got five seconds to tell me... I've forgotten. I've forgotten.
Book seller: The five seconds haven't started yet have they?
Van der Berg: Only we don't know the question.
Arthur: Was it about Vogler?
Brian: No, no... no ... you've got five seconds to tell me...
Van der Berg: About Nigel?
Brian: No. No.
Arthur: The fillings!
Brian: Oh yes, the fillings, of course. How stupid of me. Right, you've got five seconds ... (clears throat) Where are the fillings? Five, four, three, two, one, Zero! (there is a long pause, Brian has forgotten to fire the bazooka but he can't put his finger on what has gone wrong) Zero! (looks at gun) Oh! I've forgotten to fire it. Sorry. Silly day. Very well. (quite rapidly) Five, four, three, two, one.
A panel slides back and the Big Cheese appears in sight seated in a dentist's chair. The Big Cheese is in dentist's gear, wears evil magnifying type glasses and strokes a rabbit lying on his lap.
Big Cheese: Drop the bazooka Brian.
All: The Big Cheese!
Brian drops the bazooka.
Big Cheese: I'm glad you could all come to my little ... party. And Flopsy's glad too, aren't you, Flopsy? (he holds rabbit up as it does not reply) Aren't you Flopsy? (no reply again so he pulls a big revolver out and fires at rabbit from point-blank range) That'll teach you to play hard to get. There, poor Flopsy's dead. And never called me mother. And soon ... you will all be dead, dead, dead, dead. (the crowd start to hiss him) And because I'm so evil you'll all die the slow way ... under the drill.
Arthur: It's one o'clock.
Big Cheese: So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at two.
They, all happily relax and walk off. Arthur surreptitiously goes to telephone and, making sure nobody is looking, calls.
Arthur: Hallo ... give me the British Dental Association ... and fast.
Cut to Arthur dressed normally as dentist leaning over patient in chair. He looks up to camera.
Arthur: You see, I knew there was something going on. Of course, the Big Cheese made two mistakes. First of all he didn't recognize me: Lemming, Arthur Lemming, Special Investigator, British Dental Association, and second ... (to patient) spit ... by the time I got back from lunch I had every dental surgeon in SW1 waiting for them all in the broom cupboard. Funny isn't it, how naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake. Bye for now ... keep your teeth clean.
Cut to photo of Arthur Lemming
Superimposed caption: 'LEMMING OF THE BDA'
Over this we hear a song:
Song: (Voice over pre-recorded) Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BDA .. Lemming, Lemming ... Lemming of the BD ...Lemming of the BD ... BD, BDA.
Voice Over: (and caption) 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION'
Colonel: (knocking the photo aside) Right! No, I warned you, no, I warned you about the slogan, right. That's the end. Stop the programme! Stop it.
Cut to referee blowing whistle.
The 'It's' man, lying on beach. He is poked with a stick from off-screen. He gets up and limps away.
Caption: '"OWL-STRETCHING TIME" WAS CONCIEVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY...(CREDITS)'
End titles finishes as the 'It's' man reaches the top of the cliff and disappears. As soon as he has disappeared we hear:
Voice Over: Ah! Got you my lad. Still acting eh? Over you go!
'It's' man reappears hurled back over cliff.