MAN WITH THREE BUTTOCKS

Studio: Smart looking and confident announcer sitting at desk.
 
Announcer (E.I.): And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks!
 
Host and Arthur Frampton, in interview studio.
 
Host (J.C.): Good evening, I have with me, Mr. Arthur Frampton, who has...Mr. Frampton, I understand that you...er...as it were...have er...well, let me put it another way...I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people have - er - two...two...you...you...
 
Frampton (T.J.): I'm sorry.
 
Host: Ah yes, yes I see...Um, Are you quite comfortable?
 
Frampton: Yes fine, thank you.
 
Host: (takes a quick glance at Frampton's bottom) Er, Mr. Frampton... vis-à-vis...your...rump.
 
Frampton: I beg your pardon?
 
Host: Er, your rump.
 
Frampton: What?
 
Host: Your posterior....derriere...sit upon.

Frampton: What's that?
 
Host: (whispers) ...Buttocks.
 
Frampton: Oh, me bum!
 
Host: Sshhh! Well Mr. Frampton I understand Mr. Frampton, you have a... 50% bonus in the...in the region of what you said.
 
Frampton: I got three cheeks.
 
Host: Yes, yes, Splendid, splendid. Well...we were wondering, Mr. Frampton, if you...could...see your way clear...
 
Frampton: (seeing a camera moving round behind him) Here? What's that camera doing?
 
Host: Er, nothing, nothing at all, sir. We were wondering if you could see your way clear...to giving us...a quick... a quick... visual... Mr. Frampton, will you take your trousers down?
 
Frampton: What? (slapping away a hand from off-screen) 'Ere, get off! I'm not taking me trousers down on television. Who do you think I am?
 
Host: Please take them down.
 
Frampton: No.
 
Host: Just a little bit.
 
Frampton: No.

Host: No, er ahem...(firmly) Now look here Mr. Frampton... It's perfectly easy for somebody just to come along here to the BBC simply claiming... that they have a bit to spare in the botty department...but the point is Mr. Frampton... our viewers need proof.
 
Frampton: I've been on Persian Radio...Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks.
 
Host: How?
 
Frampton: We go cycling together.
 
Cut to shot of two men riding tandem. The one behind (G.C.) looks down, looks up and exclaims 'strewth'.
 
Announcer's desk- confident announcer again.
 
Announcer: And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.
 
Interview studio again.
 
Host: Good evening, I have with me, Mr. Arthur Frampton, who... Mr. Frampton - I understand that you, as it were...well, let me put it another way...I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people...didn't we do this just now?
 
Frampton: Er...yes.
 
Host: Well why didn't you say so?
 
Frampton: I thought it was the continental version.
 
Announcer's desk: confident announcer.
 
Announcer: And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers it) Hullo? ...Oh, did we. (puts phone down; to camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses.
 
Off-screen Voice: He's not here yet!
 
Announcer: Two noses?
 
Stock shot of audience of Woman's Institute type, applauding. A man (G.C.) flourishing a handkerchief blows his nose. Then he puts his handkerchief inside his shirt and blows again. Stock shot of women applauding again.