THE VISITORS

Cut to a sitting room. Soft music, romantic music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.

Victor (G.C.): Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?

Iris (C.C.): Oh no, no, not at all.

Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.

Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?

Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think... I'm beginning to fall in love with you.

Iris: Oh Victor.

Victor: It's silly isn't it?

Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.

Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...

Iris: Oh, oh Victor.

Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell rings) Who can that be?

Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.

Victor: Yes I will, I will.

Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.

Arthur (E.I.): Hello!

Victor: Hello.

Arthur: Remember me?

Victor: No I'm...

Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?

Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.

Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.

Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.

Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?

Victor: Really...

Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?

Victor: Er, no, actually.

Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.

Victor: I beg your pardon?

Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)

Victor: Look, look, we put that on.

Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?

Victor: I beg your pardon?

Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Liberty Bell March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.

The doorbell rings again.

Victor: Who the hell...

Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.

Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.

Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!

He opens the door; Mr. and Mrs. Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.

Mr Equator (J.C.): Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.

Audrey (T.J.): Hello (lets out a prolonged high pitched cackle)

Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...

Mr Equator: Who's that then?

Victor: What?

Mr Equator: Who's the bird?

Victor: I'm...

Mr Equator: You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.

Victor: Now look here ...

Mr Equator: Big gin please.

Arthur: I'll get it.

Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.

Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.

Mr Equator: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!

Audrey: I only want three cans.

Mr Equator: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)

Audrey joins in with her high pitched cackle.

Mr Equator: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?

The doorbell rings again

Victor: Who the hell's that?

Mr Equator: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.

Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.

In walks Mr. Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace. He's rather camp.

Mr Freight (T.G.): Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.

Mr Equator: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy ...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)

Iris starts crying

Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.

Mr Equator: Is he sexy?

In walks Mr. Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.

Mr. Cook: (M.P.) I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.

Mr Equator: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.

Iris screams and runs out.

Mr Equator: Blimey, she don't go much do she.

He sits in chair which collapses.

Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em

Mr. Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.

A group of Welsh miners (Fred Tomlinson Singers) run in. Everyone is talking at once.

Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!

Mr Equator: I beg your pardon?

Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.

Mr Equator: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong...

All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...

Cut to 'It's' man

Spanish Voices: (in Spanish) Look out, there are llamas!

'It's' man runs away into forest.

Roller Caption: 'THE ANT, AN INTRODUCTION, WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY... (CREDITS)'