ANNE ELK’S THEORY ON
The presenter and Anne Elk in a studio.
Presenter: (G.C.) Good evening.
Caption: A QUITE CONTROVERSIAL LOOK AT THE WORLD AROUND US
Throughout, Anne Elk looks a bit confused.
Presenter: I have with me tonight Anne Elk - Mrs Anne Elk
Caption: Anne Elk
Anne Elk: (J.C.) Miss!
Presenter: You have a new theory about the brontosaurus.
Anne Elk: Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?
Presenter: Uh... Exactly...
Very long pause
(prompting) What is it?
Anne Elk: Where?
Presenter: Your new theory
Anne Elk: Oh! What is my theory?
Anne Elk: What is my theory that it is? Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory.
Presenter: I am asking.
Anne Elk: Good for you. My word yes. Well Chris, what is it, that it is, this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is. My theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine... is mine.
Presenter: Yes, I know it's yours! What is it?
Anne Elk: ... Where? ... Oh! This is it.
Starts prolonged throat clearing
Anne Elk: (clears throat) This theory, which belongs to me, is as follows... (more throat clearing) This is how it goes... (clears throat) The next thing that I am going to say is my theory. (clears throat) Ready?
Anne Elk: My Theory, by A. Elk (Miss). This theory goes as follows and begins now:
All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory that is mine and belongs to me and I own it and what it is, too.
Presenter: That's it, is it?
Anne Elk: Spot on, Chris!
Presenter: Well, Anne, this theory of yours appear to have hit the nail on the head.
Anne Elk: ... and it's mine.
Presenter: Thank you very much for coming along to the studio.
Anne Elk: Thank you. My pleasure, Chris.
Presenter: Britain's newest wasp farm...
Anne Elk: (Interrupting) It's been a lot of fun...
Presenter: yes, thank you very much (trying to continue what he was saying) ...newest wasp farm...
Anne Elk: ...saying what my theory is...
Presenter: ... Yes, thank you.
Anne Elk: ...and whose it is.
Presenter: Yes.... opened last week...
Anne Elk: I have another theory...
Presenter: Yes well...
Anne Elk: ... called my second theory, or my theory number 2, which I could expand, if I was asked.
The phone on the table in front of the presenter rings. He picks it up
Anne Elk: This second theory which, with the one which I have said, forms the brace of theories which I own and which belongs to me, goes like this...
Meanwhile the presenter is talking on the phone. He takes off his shoe to look at the size.
Presenter: (looking at his shoe) nine and a half, wide fitting...Balleys of Bond Street. What? No, sort of brogue.
Anne Elk: This is what it is. (clears throat)
Presenter: Eight and a half.
Anne Elk: This is it...(more noisy throat clearing)
He rises and leaves the set to go next door to set from the Travel agent sketch, leaving Anne Elk behind for a moment. Bounder is still on the phone. His other phone rings; he answers it.
Bounder: (M.P.) Hello, yes...yes...
The presenter enters the travel set. The tourist is still droning on as before and Bounder is still on the phone.
Tourist: (E.I.) (carrying on like he was all the way through his sketch) ...and the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the last outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and decimated Europe, and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco...
The presenter approaches Bounder.
Presenter: The fire brigade are here. They're coming.
Bounder: Hello! No, no, no I think they are all part of the British Shoe Corporation now.
Anne Elk follows the presenter in.
Anne Elk: Chris, this other theory of mine which is mine like the other one I also own. The second theory...
The fire brigade enter and the secretary goes to greet them. They speak to her and she takes off her shoe to check the size. Meanwhile...
Anne Elk: My second theory states that fire brigade choirs seldom sing songs about Marcel Proust.
And with that the firemen break into that familiar refrain from the Summarise Proust Competition sketch:
Firemen: (The Fred Tomlinson Singers) Proust in his first book wrote about, he wrote about etc
Voice Over: (E.I.) Start again.
Our friend the loony looks into the scene on overlay and waves at the camera just as we fade to black. We hold black for a few seconds and then the loony leans in to the black and waves again before fading away.