Man walks up to receptionist.   


Man: (M.P.) Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.   


Receptionist: (Rita Davies) Certainly sir. Have you been here before?   


Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time.   


Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?   


Man: Well, what is the cost?   


Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.   


Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.   


Receptionist: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.   




Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard, room 12.   


Man: Thank you.

Walks down the hall. Opens door.   


Mr. Barnard: (G.C.) What do you want?   


Man: Well, I was told outside that...   


Mr. Barnard: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!   


Man: What?   


Mr. Barnard: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!   


Man: Look, I came here for an argument...   


Mr. Barnard: Oh, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.   


Man: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.   


Mr. Barnard: Ah no, you want room 12A, next door   


Man: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.   


Mr. Barnard: Not at all.   


Man: Thank You. (Leaves)   


Mr. Barnard: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!   


We join the Man in the corridor. He goes to the next office and knocks on the door.   


Mr. Vibrating: (J.C.) Come in.   


Man opens door   


Man: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?   


Mr. Vibrating: I told you once.   


Man: No you haven't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I have.   


Man: When?   


Mr. Vibrating: Just now.   


Man: No you didn't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did.   


Man: You didn't   


Mr. Vibrating: I did!   


Man: You didn't!   


Mr. Vibrating: I'm telling you I did!   


Man: You did not!!   


Mr. Vibrating: Oh, I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?   


Man: Oh, just the five minutes.   


Mr. Vibrating: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.   


Man: You most certainly did not.   


Mr. Vibrating: Look, let's get this thing quite clear; I quite definitely told you.   


Man: No you did not.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did.   


Man: No you didn't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did.   


Man: No you didn't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did.   


Man: No you didn't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes I did.   


Man: You didn't.   


Mr. Vibrating: Did.   


Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument.   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is.   


Man: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.   


Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.   


Man: It is!   


Mr. Vibrating: It is not.   


Man: Look, you just contradicted me.   


Mr. Vibrating: I did not.   


Man: Oh you did!!   


Mr. Vibrating: No, no, no, no, no.   


Man: You did just then.   


Mr. Vibrating: Nonsense!   


Man: Oh, this is futile!   


Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.   


Man: I came here for a good argument.   


Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.   


Man: An argument is not the same as contradiction.   


Mr. Vibrating: It can be.   


Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definate proposition.   


Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.   


Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.   


Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.   


Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'   


Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!   


Man: No it isn't! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.   


Short pause   


Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.   


Man: It is.   


Mr. Vibrating: Not at all.   


Man: Now look.   


Mr. Vibrating: (Rings bell) Thank you. Good Morning.   


Man: What?   


Mr. Vibrating: That's it. Good morning.   


Man: I was just getting interested.   


Mr. Vibrating: Sorry, the five minutes is up.   


Man: That was never five minutes!   


Mr. Vibrating: I'm afraid it was.   


Man: It wasn't.   




Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.   


Man: What?!   


Mr. Vibrating: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.   


Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!   


Mr. Vibrating: (Hums)


Man: Look, this is ridiculous.   


Mr. Vibrating: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!   


Man: Oh, all right.

Hands over some more money   


Mr. Vibrating: Thank you. (short pause)   


Man: Well?   


Mr. Vibrating: Well what?   


Man: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.   


Mr. Vibrating: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.   


Man: I just paid!   


Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't.   


Man: I DID!   


Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't.   


Man: Look, I don't want to argue about that.   


Mr. Vibrating: Well, you didn't pay.   


Man: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I got you!   


Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.   


Man: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.   


Mr. Vibrating: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.   


Man: Oh I've had enough of this.   


Mr. Vibrating: No you haven't.   


Man: Oh shut up.

Leaves office. Goes down the corridor to a door marked 'Complaints'  and goes in.   


Man: I want to complain.   


Complainer: (E.I.) You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.   


Man: No, I want to complain about...   


Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.   


Man: Oh!   


Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.   


Man leaves office. We see him entering the next one.   


Man: Hello, I want to...

Gets hit over the head with a mallet   


Man: Ooooh!   


Spreaders: (T.J.) No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.   


Hits Man again   


Man: Uuuwwhh!!   


Spreaders: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.   


Man: No.   


Spreaders: Now..   


Hits him again   


Man: Waaaaah!!!   


Spreaders: Good, Good! That's it.   


Man: Stop hitting me!!   


Spreaders: What?   


Man: Stop hitting me!!   


Spreaders: Stop hitting you?   


Man: Yes!   


Spreaders: Why did you come in here then?   


Man: I came here to complain.   


Spreaders: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.   


Man: What a stupid concept.   


Detective Inspector Fox enters   


Fox: (G.C.) Right. Hold it there.   


Man and Spreaders: What?   


Fox: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.   


Man and Spreaders: Flying Fox of the Yard.   


Fox: Shut up! (he hits the man with a truncheon)   


Man: Ooooh?   


Spreaders: No, no, no - Waagh!   


Fox: And you. (he hits Spreaders)   


Spreaders: Waagh!   


Fox: He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.   


Man: What for?   


Fox: I'm charging you under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.   


Man: The what?   


Fox: You are hereby charged that you did willfully take part in a strange sketch, that is, a skit, spoof or humorous vignette of an unconventional nature with intent to cause grievous mental confusion to the Great British Public. (to camera) Evening all.   


Spreaders: It's a fair cop.   


Fox: And you tosh. (hits the man)   


Man: WAAAGH!   


Fox: That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.   


Another inspector arrives.   


Inspector: (E.I.) Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the Programme Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.   


Fox: Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!   


Inspector: Shut up! (he hits him)   


Fox: Waaaagh!   


Spreaders: He's good.   


Inspector: Shut up! (hits Spreaders)   


Spreaders: WAAGH!   


Man: Rotten. (he gets hit) WAAAGH!   


Inspector: Good. Now I'm arrestin' this entire show on three counts: one, acts of self-conscious behavior contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act, two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offenses against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punch line' Act, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and... (realises) wait a minute.   


Another policeman enters.   


Policeman: (J.C.) Hold it. (puts his hand on Inspector Thompson's Gazelle's shoulder)   


Inspector: It's a fair cop.   


A large hairy hand appears through the door and claps him on the shoulder.   


Caption: 'THE END'   


Cut to BBC world symbol.   


Announcer's Voice: (E.I.) And now on BBC 1, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.   



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