THE CHEESE SHOP    

     

Photo montage of a man walking down a street and seeing a Cheese shop. Bouzouki music over.

Cut to the interior of the shop. The customer enters and passes a bouzouki player and two men in suits and bowler hats (T.J. and G.C.) dancing. He rings a bell on the counter. The shopkeeper enters.

   

Wensleydale: (M.P.) Good morning, Sir. 

  

Customer: (J.C.) Morning. Um, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through "Rogue Herries" by Horace Walpole, when I suddenly came over all peckish.   

  

Wensleydale: Peckish, Sir?   

  

Customer: Esurient.   

  

Wensleydale: Eh?   

  

Customer: (Lancashire accent) ‘Eee, I were all ‘ungry like.  

  

Wensleydale: Ah, hungry!   

  

Customer: (back to normal voice) In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so I curtailed my Walpoling activates, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!   

  

Wensleydale: Come again?   

  

Customer: (Lancashire accent) I want to buy some cheese.   

  

Wensleydale: Ah, I thought you were complaining about the music!   

  

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!   

  

Wensleydale: Sorry?   

  

Customer: (Lancashire accent again) I like a nice dance, 'yer forced too!   

  

Quick cut to a Viking

 

Viking: (M.P.) Anyway...

 

Back to Cheese shop

 

Wensleydale: (looking round) Who said that?   

  

Customer: Now then my good man, some cheese please.   

  

Wensleydale: Yes certainly, Sir. What would you like?   

  

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester.   

  

Wensleydale: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester, Sir.   

  

Customer: Oh, never mind. How are you on Tilsit?   

  

Wensleydale: Never at the end of the week, Sir, always get it fresh first thing on Monday.   

  

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly then if you please, stout yeoman.   

  

Wensleydale: Ah! Well it's been on order for two weeks sir. Was expecting it this morning.   

  

Customer: Yes. It's not my day, is it? Er, Bel Paese?   

  

Wensleydale: Sorry. 

  

Customer: Red Windsor?   

  

Wensleydale: Normally say yes. But today the van broke down.   

  

Customer: Ah. Stilton?   

  

Wensleydale: Sorry.   

  

Customer: Gruyere? Emmenthal?

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Any Norwegian Jarlsburg?  

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Liptaur?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Lancashire?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: White Stilton?   Have you got any cheese?

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Danish Blue?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Double Gloucester?   

  

Wensleydale: (thinking) No.   

  

Customer: Cheshire?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Any Dorset Blue Vinny?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pont L’Eveque, Port Salut, Savoyard, Saint-Paulin, Carre de l’Est, Boursin, Bresse-Bleu, Perle de Champagne, Camembert?   

  

Wensleydale: Ah! We do have some Camembert, Sir.   

  

Customer: You do! Excellent.   

  

Wensleydale: It's... a... bit runny sir

  

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.   

  

Wensleydale: Well... as a matter of fact it's very runny sir.   

  

Customer: No matter. No matter. Hand over the fromage de la Belle France qi s'appelle Camembert s'il vous plaît   

  

Wensleydale: I...think it's runnier than you'll like it, Sir.   

  

Customer: I don't care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.   

  

Wensleydale: Yes Sir. (Goes to bend down then...) Oooooooooohhh........!   

  

Customer: What?   

  

Wensleydale: The cat's eaten it.   

  

Customer: (pause) Has he.   

  

Wensleydale: She, Sir.   

Pause

   

Customer: Gouda?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Edam?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Caithness?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Smoked Austrian?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: Sage Derby?   

  

Wensleydale: No, Sir.   

  

Customer: You do have some cheese, do you?   

  

Wensleydale: Certainly, Sir. It's a cheese shop, Sir. We've got...  

  

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.   

  

Wensleydale: Fair enough.   

  

Customer: Wensleydale?  

  

Wensleydale: Yes Sir   

  

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that then please.   

  

Wensleydale: Oh! I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me. Mister Wensleydale.   

Pause

   

Customer: Gorgonzola?   

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Parmesan?   

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Mozzarella?   

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Pipo Creme?   

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Any Danish Fynbo?   

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Czechoslovakian sheep's milk cheese?  

  

Wensleydale: No   

  

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?   

  

Wensleydale: Not today, Sir, no.   

  

Customer: Well let's keep it simple. How about Cheddar?   

  

Wensleydale: Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts, Sir.   

  

Customer: Not much call! It's the single most popular cheese in the world!   

  

Wensleydale: Not 'round these parts, Sir.   

  

Customer: And prey, what is the most popular cheese 'round these parts?   

  

Wensleydale: Ilchester, Sir.   

  

Customer: I see   

  

Wensleydale: Yes sir, it's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.   

  

Customer: Is it?   

  

Wensleydale: Yes sir. It's our number one seller.   

  

Customer: Is it? 

 

Wensleydale: Yes sir

 

Customer: Ilchester, eh? 

 

Wensleydale: Right. 

 

Customer: Okay. I'm game.  'Have you got any?' he asks, expecting the answer 'no'.   

  

Wensleydale: I'll have a look, Sir. Nnnnnnooooooo.   

  

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop really, is it?   

  

Wensleydale: Finest in the district Sir   

  

Customer:  And what leads you to that conclusion?  

  

Wensleydale: Well, it's so clean  

  

Customer: Well it's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....   

  

Wensleydale: You haven't asked me about Limburger, Sir.   

  

Customer: Is it worth it?   

  

Wensleydale: Could be....   

  

Customer: Okay. Have you... (shouting at the Bouzouki player) Will you shut that bloody dancing off!!   

  

Wensleydale: (to dancers) Told you so....   

  

Customer: Have you got any Limburger?   

  

Wensleydale: No.   

  

Customer: No. That figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me something. Do you have any cheese at all?  

  

Wensleydale: Yes, Sir.   

  

Customer: Now I'm going to ask you that question once more and if you say No I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?

 

Wensleydale: No   

  

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

   

Customer: What a senseless waste of human life (puts on a Stetson hat).
  

Notes: this is one of Monty Python's best known and most popular sketches. This is the version from the original episode, leading on to the Cheese Westerns sketch. Other versions of it from albums and stage shows vary slightly, with some of the cheeses differing, and end with the comment "what a senseless waste of human life".

 

 

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