SALVATION FUZZ
 

Animation: sketch about violence.   

  

Cut to a kitchen. A man and woman listening to a radio.   

   

Radio Voice: I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.   

   

Man's Voice: Gerald?   

   

Another Voice: Well I'd annex the Sudetenland and sign a non-aggression pact with Russia.   

   

First Man's Voice: Norman?   

   

Norman's Voice: Well I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.   

   

Woman: (T.J.) (Switching the radio off) Liberal rubbish. Klaus ...What do you want with your jugged fish?   

   

Man: (E.I.) Halibut.   

   

Woman: The jugged fish is halibut.   

   

Man: Well, what fish have you got that isn't jugged then?   

   

Woman: Rabbit.   

   

Man: Rabbit fish?   

   

Woman: Yes. It's got fins.   

   

Man: Is it dead?   

   

Woman: Well, it was coughing up blood last night.   

   

Man: All right. I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.   

   

Caption: 'ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER'   One Dead Unjugged rabbit fish later

   

Man: Well that was really horrible.   

   

Woman: You're always complaining.   

   

Man: What's for afters?   

   

Woman: Well there's rat cake... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart.   

   

Man: Strawberry tart?!   

   

Woman: Well, it's got some rat in it.   

   

Man: How much?   

   

Woman: Three (rather a lot really).   

   

Man: ...well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.   

   

Caption: 'ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER'   One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later...

   

Man: Appalling.   

   

Woman: Moan, moan, moan.   

   

Enter their son   

   

Son: (G.C.) Hello, mum, hello, dad.   

   

Man: Hello, son.   

   

Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing.   

   

Woman: Where did that come from?   

   

Son: What do you mean?   

   

Woman: What's its diocese?   

   

Son: Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me.   

   

Man: I'll go and have a look. (goes out)   

   

Woman: I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.   

   

Son: Well it's not me.   

   

Woman: I've put three out by the bin and the dustmen won't touch 'em.   

   

Man: (coming back) Leicester.   

   

Woman: How do you know?   

   

Man: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm going to call the police.   

   

Woman: Shouldn't you call the Church?   

   

Son: Call the Church police.   

   

Man: ...all right. (shouts) The Church police!   

   

Enter two policemen with ecclesiastical accoutrements.   The Church Police

   

Church Policeman: (M.P.) Yus?   

   

Woman: There's another dead bishop on the landing.   

   

Church Policeman: Suffragan or diocesan?   

   

Woman: How should I know?   

   

Church Policeman: It's tattooed on the back of their neck. Ere! Is that rat tart?   

     

Woman: Yes.   

   

Church Policeman: Disgusting! Right! The hunt is on. (kneels) Oh Lord we beseech thee tell us who croaked Leicester.   Who croaked Leicester?

   

Organ music. A huge hand descends and points at the man.   

   

Man: All right, it's a fair cop, but society is to blame.   

   

Church Policeman: Agreed.   

   

Man: I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration.   

   

Church Policeman: Right. And now, I'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.   

   

All: (singing) And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's mountains green. (policemen escort the man out) And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures seen.  

   
 
      

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