LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY/ HOW TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES
Cut to a headmaster's study.
Headmaster: (M.P.) Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door; it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right, it's come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
Stebbins: (E.I.) It was Tidwell's idea, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.
Stebbins: Thank you, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop. I made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?
Balderston: (T.G.) Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a 'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exeat form from Mr Dibley.
Balderston: Sorry, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her,.. er... with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention. Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence) Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want you to come along and have a look at the wife.
Tidwell: (T.J.) Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynaecologist.
Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell! (kicks Tidwell)
Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynaecologist?
Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?
Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty guineas, sir.
Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!
Cut to a sign saying 'How to do it'. Music. Pull out to reveal a 'Blue Peter' type set. Sitting casually on the edge of a dais are three presenters in sweaters - Noel, Jackie and Alan - plus a large bloodhound.
Alan: (J.C.) Hello.
Noel: (G.C.) Hello.
Alan: Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie: (E.I.) Hello, Alan.
Alan: Hello, Jackie.
Jackie: Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.
Alan: Thanks, Jackie. Great idea. How to play the flute. (picking up a flute) Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.
Noel: Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So, until next week, cheerio.