MRS. THING AND MRS. ENTITY/ BEETHOVEN'S MYNAH BIRD/ SHAKESPEARE/ MICHELANGELO/ COLIN MOZART (RATCATCHER)
Fade into a bench in a public
park, garden or square. A pepperpot is sitting on the bench. Another pepperpot
comes by pushing a shopping trolley.
First Pepperpot: (E.I.)
Hello, Mrs. Thing.
Second Pepperpot: (G.C.)
Hello, Mrs. Entity.
First Pepperpot: How are you then?
Second Pepperpot: Oh, I have had a
First Pepperpot: Busy?
Second Pepperpot: Busy - huh! I got
up at five o'clock, I made myself a cup of tea, I looked out of the window.
Well, by then I was so worn out I had to come and have a sit-down. I've been
here for seven hours.
First Pepperpot: You must be
Second Pepperpot: Mm. Oh, have you
First Pepperpot: No. I've been
Second Pepperpot: Funny.
First Pepperpot: I'm worn out. I've
been shopping for six hours.
Second Pepperpot: What have you
First Pepperpot: Nothing. Nothing at
all. A complete waste of time.
Second Pepperpot: Wicked, isn't it?
First Pepperpot: Wicked. It'll be
worse when we join the Common Market.
Second Pepperpot: That nice Mr. Heath
would never allow that.
First Pepperpot: It's funny he never
Second Pepperpot: He's a bachelor.
First Pepperpot: Ooooh! That would
explain it, Oh dear me, this chatting away wears me out.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. I bet Mrs.
Reginald Maudling doesn't have to put up with all this drudgery, getting up at
five in the morning, making a cup of tea, looking out of the window, chatting
First Pepperpot: No! It'd all be done
Second Pepperpot: Yes, she'd have the
whole day free for playing snooker.
First Pepperpot: She probably
wouldn't go through all the drudgery of playing snooker, day in, day out.
Second Pepperpot: No, it would all be
done for her. She wouldn't even have to lift the cue.
First Pepperpot: She probably doesn't
even know where the billiard room is.
Second Pepperpot: No, still, it's not
as bad as the old days. Mrs. Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up at five
o'clock in the morning and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands.
First Pepperpot: Yes... and Mrs.
William Pitt the Elder used to have to get up at three o'clock and go burrowing
for truffles with the bridge of her nose.
Second Pepperpot: Mrs. Beethoven used
to have to get up at midnight to spur on the mynah bird.
First Pepperpot: Lazy creatures,
Second Pepperpot: Yes. When Beethoven
went deaf the mynah bird just used to mime.
The picture begins to wobble as in
flashback; appropriate dreamy music effect.
First Pepperpot: (looking at
Ooh! What's happening?
Second Pepperpot: It's all right.
It's only a flashback.
Cut to Beethoven's living room. A
model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.
You don't fool me, you
stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.
Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the
ground) Oh! Bugger...
Beethoven: Shut up!
Mynah: Right in the wing.
Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in
Himmel... I never get any peace here.
He plays the first few notes of the
fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs. Beethoven enters.
Mrs. Beethoven: (G.C.)
Mrs. Beethoven: Have you seen the
Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the
bloody sugar bowl.
Mrs. Beethoven: You know ... the
Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm
trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she
leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March) No, no, no, no,
Mrs. Beethoven comes back in.
Mrs. Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen
the jam spoon?
Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!
Mrs. Beethoven: It was in the sugar
Beethoven: Look, get out you old
rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.
Mrs. Beethoven: I don't know what you
see in that piano. (she goes)
Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ...
the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!
Mrs. Beethoven comes in again.
Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut
butter or sandwich spread for your tea?
Mrs. Beethoven: PEANUT BUTTER...
Beethoven: I've forgotten it.
a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!
Mrs. Beethoven: Do you want peanut
butter or sandwich spread?
Beethoven: I don't care!!
Mrs. Beethoven: Ooooh! I don't know.
(she goes out)
Beethoven: I had it. I had it you old
bag. (at the same moment as he gets it right again, the door flies open and Mrs.
Beethoven charges in with a very load vacuum) Mein lieber Gott. What are you
doing? (a terrible clanking and banging comes from the wall) What's that! What's
Mrs. Beethoven: (still vacuuming
loudly) It's the plumber!
A jarring ring of the doorbell adds
to the din.
Beethoven: Gott in Himmel, I'm going
Mrs. Beethoven: Well, if you're going
out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohns coming for tea so don't forget to
order some pikelets.
Beethoven: Pikelets, pikelets.
Shakespeare never had this trouble.
Shakespeare washing up at a sink
You wanna bet?
Incidentally, its da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum.
Cut back to Beethoven.
Beethoven: You're right. Oh,
incidentally, why not call him Hamlet?
Cut back to Shakespeare
Shakespeare: Hamlet I like much
better than David. (he shouts through open window next to sink) Michelangelo!
You can use David. I won't sue
Cut to Michelangelo's studio.
Michelangelo is in middle of feeding and looking after at least six screaming
little babies. His statue of David is in the foreground.
Thanks, but I've had a
Camera pans down to show engraved on
plinth beneath statue the words 'Michelangelo's Fifth Symphony'.
Michelangelo: Yes, dear!
Wife: I've had another son.
Michelangelo: Oh, my life.
Cut to Mozart. He is scrubbing the
Caption: 'W. A. MOZART'
(Jewish accent) Composer?
Huh! I wouldn't wish it on my son. He's a sensitive boy, already. I'd rather he
was a sewage attendant or a rat catcher.
Cut to street with old-fashioned
shops. Exterior. Camera tracks in to a shop front with a large sign outside:
'Rodent Exterminating Boutique - Colin "Chopper" Mozart (Son Of
Composer) Ratcatcher To The Nobility And Ordinary People, Too - Ici On Parle
Portugaise'. At the door of shop stands Colin Mozart. A kid runs up to him
bearing a long cleft stick, Mozart takes the note from the cleavage and reads
Colin Mozart: (M.P.)
Aha! Rats at 42a
Kartoffelnstrasse. Hey Mitzi! I gotta go to Potato Street.
Mitzi: (off-screen) Put your galoshes
Mozart leaps on to a bike carrying
two shrimp-nets, and rides off.
Superimposed caption: 'MUNICH 1821'
Colin Mozart: (shouting) Depressed by
rats? Do mice get you down? Then why not visit Colin Mozart's Rodent
Extermination Boutique. Rats extirpated, mice punished, voles torn apart by
Colin Mozart, Munich's leading furry animal liquidator.
Colin Mozart cycles up to Beethoven's
house. Outside is a notice board saying:
MR AND MRS EMMANUEL KANT
FRAU MITZI HANDGEPACKAUFBEWAHRUNG
MR DICKIE WAGNER
K. TYNAN (NO RELATION)
MR AND MRSJ. W. VON GOETHE AND DOG
HERR E. W. SWANTON
MR AND MRS P. ANKA
MR AND MRS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN
(1770-1827) ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE
Caption: '13.4 SECONDS LATER'
Beethoven's front door is opened by
Mrs. Beethoven: (G.C.) Yes?
Colin Mozart: Colin Mozart.
Mrs. Beethoven: Oh, thank goodness
you've come. We're having a terrible time with them bleeding rats. I think they
live in his stupid piano already.
They go into the house. We hear the
first two bars of Beethoven's Fifth counterpointed by loud squeaking.
Beethoven's Voice: (J.C.) Get out the bloody
piano you stupid furry bucktoothed gits! Get out! Gott in Himmel. Get your
stinking tail out of my face.
Mrs. Beethoven opens the door and we
see for the first time a strange sight. Rats are flying across the room (thrown
from out of vision) others scuttle across floor (pulled by strings) others up
wall. One sits on Beethoven's head. The squealing is deafening. Beethoven plays
on relentlessly. Mozart and Mrs. Beethoven run into room and start trying to
catch the rats with the shrimp-nets.
Caption: '13.4 MINUTES LATER'
Colin Mozart is sitting on the piano.
He rakes the rat-infested room with machine-gunfire.
Beethoven: Shut up!
The picture starts to wobble and
mixes back to the two pepperpots.
Second Pepperpot: So anyway,
Beethoven was rather glad when he went deaf.
Mix to Beethoven pushing the keys of the keyboard which is all that remains of his piano. He listens vainly. The mynah bird opens and shuts its beak. In the corner an old horn gramophone plays. We hear Jimmy Durante singing the end of 'I'm the guy that found the lost chord'.