LIFEBOAT (CANNIBALISM)
 
The interior of a lifeboat. 5 battered men. Seagulls are crying
 
Sailor 1: (M.P) Still no sign of land. How long is it?
 
Hodges: (G.C.) That's a rather personal question, sir.
 Cannibalism
Sailor 1: (low voice) You stupid git. I meant how long has it been in the lifeboat? You've destroyed the atmosphere now.
 
Hodges: I'm sorry.
 
Sailor 1: Shut up. Start again.
 
Pause
 
Sailor 1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
 
Hodges: 33 days, sir.
 
Sailor 1: Thirty-three days?
 
Hodges: We can't go on much longer. (low voices) I didn't think I destroyed the atmosphere.
 
Sailor 1: Shut up.
 
Hodges: Well, I don't think I did.
 
Sailor 1: 'Course you did.
 
Hodges: (aside, to Morley) Did you think I destroyed the atmosphere?
 
Morley: (E.I.) Yes I think you did.
 
Sailor 1: Shut up. Shut up!
 
Pause
 
Sailor 1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
 
Hodges: 33 days, sir.
 
Johnson: (T.J.) Have we started again? (slap)
 
Sailor 1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
 
Hodges: 33 days, sir.
 
Sailor 1: Thirty-three days?
 
Hodges: We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day.
 
Morley: We're done for, we're done for!
 
Sailor 1: Shut up, Morley.
 
Hodges: We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.
 
Johnson: How we feeling, Captain?
 
Captain: (J.C) Not too good. I...I feel so weak.
 
Hodges: We can't hold out much longer.
 
Captain: Listen...chaps...there's still a chance. I'm...done for, I've...got a gammy leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. But...some of you might. So...you'd better eat me.
 
Sailor 1: Eat you, sir?
 
Captain: Yes. Eat me.
 
Hodges: Urrghh! With a gammy leg?
 
Captain: You didn't eat the leg, Thompson. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
 
Morley: It's not just the leg, sir.
 
Captain: What do you mean?
 
Morley: Well, sir...it's just that -
 
Captain: Why don't you want to eat me?
 
Morley: I'd rather eat Johnson, sir! (points to Johnson)
 
Hodges: So would I, sir.
 
Captain: I see.
 
Johnson: Well that's settled then...everyone's gonna eat me!
 
Sailor 1: Uh, well.
 
Morley: What, sir?
 
Sailor 1: No, no you go ahead, please, I won't.......
 
Johnson: Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving; tuck in.
 
Sailor 1: No, no, it's not that.
 
Hodges: What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
 
Sailor 1: Well, he's not kosher.
 
Morley: That depends how we kill him, sir.
 
Sailor 1: Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank I...I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.
 
Hodges: Oh well, all right.
 
Morley: I still prefer Johnson.
 
Captain: I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
 
Hodges: Look. I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Johnson. And you, sir, can have my leg. And we make some stock from the Captain, and then we'll have Johnson cold for supper.
 
Sailor 1: Good thinking, Hodges.
 
Johnson: And we'll finish off with the peaches. (picks up a tin of peaches)
 
Morley: And we can start off with the avocados. (picks up two avocados)
 
Sailor 1: Waitress! (a waitress walks in) We've decided now, we're going to have leg of Hodges...
 
Boos off-screen. Cut to a letter.
 
Voice Over: Dear Sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs? Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
 

 

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