ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL

Caption: 'ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL'

Cut to Presenter sitting at desk.

Presenter: (J.C.) (very excited) Hello and welcome to 'Election Night Special'. There's great excitement here as we should be getting the first results through any minute now. We don't know where it'll be from...it might be Leicester or from Luton. The polling's been quite heavy in both areas... oh, wait a moment...I'm just getting...I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise in my left ear. Excuse me a moment. (he bangs ear and knocks a large bee out) Uuggh! (cheering from crowd). Anyway, let's go straight over to James Gilbert at Leicester.

Shot of returning officer in front of a group consisting half of grey-suited, half of silly-dressed candidates and agents. The silly ones are in extraordinary hats, false noses etc.

Leicester Commentator: (M.P.) (voice over) Well it's a straight fight here at Leicester...On the left of the Returning Officer (camera show grey-suited man) you can see Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate and his agent, (camera pans to silly people) and on the other side is the silly candidate Jethro Walrustitty with his agent and his wife.

Leicester Returning Officer: (T.J.) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...

Leicester Commentator: Sensible Party

Leicester Returning Officer: 30,612...Jethro Q. Walrustitty...

Leicester Commentator: Silly Party

Leicester Returning Officer: 32,108.

Cheering from the crowd. Cut back to studio.

Presenter: (even more excited) Well, there's the first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman?

Cut to Norman. He is also very excited.

Norman: (M.P.) Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald?

Cut to Gerald standing by the 'swingometer' - a pivoted pointer on a wall chart.

Gerald: (E.I.) Well there's a swing here to the Silly Party...but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.

Cut to George also standing by a swingometer.

George: (T.J.) Well, if I may...I think the interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party and of course the very large swing back to the Sensible Party...and a tendency to wobble up and down in the middle because the screw's loose.

Cut to Alphonse.

Alphonse: (G.C.) No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything.

Cut to Eric.

Eric: (T.G.) I can't add anything to that. Colin?

Cut to Colin.

Colin: (Ian Davidson) Can I butt in at this point and say this is in fact the very first time I've appeared on television.

Cut to Presenter.

Presenter: No, no we haven't time, because we're just going straight over to Luton.

Cut to Luton Town Hall. There are sensible, silly and slightly silly candidates.

Luton Commentator: (M.P.) (voice over) Here at Luton it's a three-cornered fight between Alan Jones - Sensible Party, in the middle, Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim- lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olè- Biscuitbarrel - Silly Party, and Kevin Phillips-Bong, the Slightly Silly candidate.

Luton Returning Officer: (E.I.) Alan Jones...

Luton Commentator: On the left, Sensible Party

Luton Returning Officer: 9,112... Kevin Phillips-Bong...

Luton Commentator: On the right, Slightly Silly.

Luton Returning Officer: Nought...Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim- lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olé- Biscuitbarrel...

Luton Commentator: Silly.

Luton Returning Officer: 12,441.

Luton Commentator: And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.

Back to studio.

Presenter: A gain for the Silly Party at Luton. The first gain of the election, Norman?

Norman: Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

Presenter: Do we have the swing at Luton?

Gerald: Well, I've worked out the swing, but it's a secret.

Presenter: Er, well, ah, there...there isn't the swing, how about a swong?

Norman: Well, I've got the swong here in this box and it's looking fine. I can see through the breathing holes that it's eating up peanuts at the rate of knots.

Presenter: And how about the swang?

Alphonse: Well, it's 29% up over six hundred feet but it's a little bit soft around the edges about...

Presenter: What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?

Voice: (T.J.) (off) There's no such thing.

Presenter: Thank you, Spike.

Norman: Can I just come in here and say that the swong has choked itself to death.

George: Well, the election's really beginning to hot up now.

Eric: I can't add anything to that.

Colin: Can I just add at this point that this is in fact the second time I've ever been on television?

Presenter: I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about to get another result.

A large number of candidates in Harpenden Town Hall.

Harpenden Commentator: Hello, from Harpenden. This is a key seat because in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an independent Very Silly candidate (in large cube of polystyrene with only legs sticking out) who may split the silly vote.

Harpenden Returning Officer:  Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 

Cut to obvious man in drag with enormous joke breasts.

Harpenden Commentator: Silly.

Harpenden Returning Officer:  26,317... James Walker...

Harpenden Commentator: Sensible.

Harpenden Returning Officer:  26,318.

Harpenden Commentator: That was close.

Harpenden Returning Officer:  Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday (pops mouth twice) Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable (sound effect of horse whinnying) Arthur Norman Michael (blows squeaker) Featherstone Smith (blows whistle) Northgot Edwards Harris (fires pistol, which goes 'whoop') Mason (chuff-chuff-chuff) Frampton Jones Fruit bat Gilbert (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the' (three shots, stops singing) Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin (squeaker) Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson (sings) 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head' Darcy Carter (horn) Pussycat 'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton Mannering (hoot, 'whoop') Smith.

Harpenden Commentator: Very Silly.

Harpenden Returning Officer: Two.

Harpenden Commentator: Well there you have it. A Sensible gain at Driffield.

Back to the studio. 

Presenter: Norman

Norman: Well, I've just heard from Luton that my auntie's ill, er, possibly, possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.

Gerald: Er, well, if this were repeated over the whole country it's probably be very messy. Colin.

Colin: Can I just butt in and say here that it's probably the last time I shall ever appear on television.

Presenter: No I'm afraid you can't, we haven't got time. Just to bring you up to date with a few results, er, that you may have missed. Engelbert Humperdinck has taken Barrow-in-Furness, that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband Pip. Arthur Negus has held Bristols. That's not a result, that's a bit of gossip. Er...Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage. Could it be a bit of trouble there. And apparently Wales is not swinging at all. No surprise there. And...Monty Python has held the credits.

Roll credits. Lots of activity behind from the experts.

Superimposed flashing caption: 'NO CHANGE'