Cut to man at desk.  


Man: (M.P.) Gavin Millar...  


Cut to another man.  


Another Man: (T.J.) ...rrrrrrr...  


Cut to first man.  


Man: ... was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the world of the theatre we move to the silver screen. We honour one of the silver screen's outstanding writer-dentists... writer-directors, Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the pre-molar, er... premiere of his filling, film next Toothday... Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre... Film Theatre. Martin Curry talking to Matthew Palate... Padget.  


Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.  


Padget: (T.J.) Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth... big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk... task?  


We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.  


Curry: (G.C.) Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.  


Padget: Who?  


Curry: Vethpathian.  


Padget: Ah! Vespasian.  


Curry: Yes.  


Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, umm, subjective approach to it.  


Curry: I'm sorry?  


Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous ... well not enormous, these very big ... well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor .... Caesar talks to his generals during the battle against Caractacus.  


Curry: I don't see that at all.  


Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.  


Labienus: (T.J.) (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?  


All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.  


Julius: (G.C.) (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.  


Back to interview set.  


Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er ... very big um ... teeth?  


Curry: What do you mean?  


Padget: Well, I mean, er... and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous ... dental appendages ... and of course ... himself had the most monumental ivories.  


Curry: No, I'm afraid I don't see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can't get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?  


Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.  


Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.  


Nelson: (E.I.) Cover my coat, Mr Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.  


Toad: (T.J.) The surgeon's coming, sir.  


Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.  


Toad: Aye, aye, sir.  


Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!  


Hardy: (M.P.) Sir?  


Nelson: Hardy...kiss... er ... put your hand on my thigh.  


Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty  


Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.  


Cut to vox pops.  


Man With Enormous Ears: (J.C.) It wasn't true to life.  


Man With Enormous Teeth: (T.J.) Yes it was.  


Man With Enormous Nose: (E.I.) No it wasn't.  


Madly Dressed Man: (G.C.) I thought it was totally bizarre.  


First City Gent: (M.P.) Well I've been in the city for over forty years and I think the importance of looking after poor people cannot be understressed.  


Second City Gent: (G.C.) Well I've been in the city for twenty years and I must admit - I'm lost.  


An Old Gramophone: (J.C.) Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.  


Third City Gent: (E.I) Well I've been in the city since I was two and I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut ... stuck in a rut... stuck in a rut...  


Woman: (T.J.) Oh dear, Mr Bulstrode's stuck again.  


She runs over and gives him a shove.  


Third City Gent: I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.  


Fourth City Gent: (J.C.) Well I've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money-grubber ... Conservative.  


Fifth City Gent: (T.J.) Well I've been in the city for twenty-seven years and I would like to see the reintroduction of flogging. Every Thursday, round at my place.  


Man: (J.C.) (whose head only is visible above the level of the sea) Well I've been in the sea for thirty-three years and I've never regretted it.  


Camera pulls back to reveal other semi-immersed city gents also with only heads and bowlers visible who say 'quite agree'. Camera pulls back further to reveal an elderly couple sitting in deckchairs.  


Man: (J.C.) I think it must be a naturalist outing.  


Woman: (T.J.) I think it must be one of them crackpot religions.  



Back to Season 2 index