LICENCE (ORIGINAL SERIES VERSION)/ DERBY COUNCIL VS.
ALL BLACKS RUGBY MATCH/
LONG JOHN SILVER IMPERSONATORS VS. BOURNEMOUTH GYNAECOLOGISTS
For the album version with
"Eric the Half a Bee", click here.
dancing teeth. Then animation of a letter being resealed and posted - all
backwards - ending in a real post office.
A post office worker removes the stamp from the letter and hands it to man.
A post office worker removes the stamp from the letter and hands it to man.
Office Worker: Five pence please.
man walks out backwards, passing Mr. Praline as he enters. He looks at the man,
puzzled, and then goes up to first of two grills which has a sign saying 'Stamps
(J.C.) Excuse me, I would like to buy a fish license, please. (the man behind the
counter points to next grille; to camera) The man's sign must be wrong. I have
in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these post office signs and the
activities carried on beneath. But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon
my next postal adventure! (he goes to next grille) Hello, I would like to buy a
fish licence, please.
(M.P.) A what?
A license for my pet fish, Eric.
How did you know my name was Eric?
No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. 'E's an 'alibut.
He is an halibut.
You've got a pet halibut?
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too
You must be a loony.
I am not a loony! Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I
have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn
called Simon and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony would you? Furthermore, Dawn
the lady show-jumper had a clam, called Sir Stafford, after the late Chancellor,
Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman and the late great Marcel Proust had an
haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
All right, all right, all right. You want a licence.
For a fish.
You are a loony.
Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, and
I've got a license for me pet cat Eric...
You don't need a license for a cat.
I bleeding well do and I got one. Ho, ho, you're not catching me out there.
There's no such thing as a bloody cat license.
Yes there is!
No there isn't!
Praline shouts through the grill.
What's that then?
This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and the word 'cat' written
in in crayon.
The man didn't have the proper form.
The man from the cat detector van.
Loony detector van, you mean.
It's people like you what cause unrest.
All right, what cat detector van?
The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many
bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at
four hundred yards...and Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
How much did you pay for this?
Sixty quid, and eight guineas for the fruit bat.
What fruit bat?
Eric the fruit-bat.
Are all your pets called Eric?
There's nothing so odd about that: Kemal Atatürk had an entire menagerie, all
No he didn't!
(takes book from pocket) He did, he did, he did, he did and did. There you are.
'Kemal Atatürk, the Man' by E. W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka, page 91,
(referring to page 91) I owe you an apology, sir.
Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor.
of trumpets. Mayor gorgeously dressed with dignitaries enters flanked by
You're in luck.
long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries approach a
startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over:
Over: (J.C.) And now, there is the Mayor. Surely the third tallest mayor in Derby's
history. And there are the Aldermen magnificently resplendent in their
Aldermanic hose and just look at the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders
are going to find it pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half...
So Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now the Mayor has
reached the Great Customer Mr. Eric Praline. (the mayor takes a piece of paper
from the post office man) And now the Mayoral human being takes the Mayoral Pen
in the Mayoral hand and watched by the Lady Mayoress, who of course scored that
magnificent try in the first half, signs the fishy exemption (the mayor signs it
and hands it to Praline) and the Great Customer, Mr. Eric Praline, who is
understandably awed by the magnificence and even the absurdity of this great
occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park, (Praline looks very confused) has finally
gone spare and there is the going spare look on the front of his head. And now
the Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for the
start of the second half.
They all exit out of door, eating oranges, and Praline looks after them.
Cut to a rugby field. Crowd roaring as the Aldermen, Mayor, Mayoress, town clerk, Dawn Palethorpe (on a horse) and the borough surveyor run onto the pitch and take up their positions.
And here come the Derby Council XV following the All Blacks out on to the
pitch. There, in the centre of the picture you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir
Gerald - one of the fastest wingers we must have seen in England this season. On
the left hand side of the picture the Lord Mayor has been running such wonderful
possession for Derby Council in the lines out and it's the All Blacks to kick
off. Wilson to kick off. Oh, I can see there the Chairman of the By-ways and
Highways Committee who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow he got in
that loose ball in the first half. (opposite them the All Blacks kick off)
And Wilson kicks off and it's the Town Clerk's taken the ball beautifully there,
the All Blacks are up on it very fast and the whistle has gone. I'm not quite
sure what happened there, I couldn't see, but there's a scrum-down. I think it's
an All Blacks' ball. They were upon them very fast. Obviously they're going to
try very hard in this half to wipe out this five-point deficit. Derby Council
eight points to three up and Derby Council have got the ball against the head.
There is the Borough Surveyor, the scrum-half is out of the ... er, the Chairman
of the Highway and By-way Committee who's kicked for touch. The line out - and
it's into the line out and the Mayor has got the ball again. To the Borough
Surveyor who's left out the Medical Officer of Health. Straight along the line
to the Lady Mayoress and the Lady Mayoress has got to go through. Number two has
missed her - he's taken to the full back - only the full back to beat and she
has scored! The Lady Mayoress has scored, it's eleven points to three.
'NEW ZEALAND 3 DERBY COUNCIL 11'
Cut to linkman and Cliff Morgan.
(M.P.) Cliff, this must have been a very
disappointing result for the All Blacks.
(G.C.) (Welsh) Well, they've had very
bad luck on the tour so far. They missed four very easy kicks against the Exeter
Amateur Operatic Society, which must have cost them the match and then of course
there was that crippling defeat at the hands of the Derry and Toms Soft Toy
Department, so I don't think they can be really fancying their chances against
the London Pooves on Saturday.
And what about China?
Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin Piao has a stranglehold on the
central committee which Lin Shao Chi can't break, so it remains to be seen
whether Chou En Lai can really get his finger out and get going in the second
Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi-final
between the Bournemouth Gynaecologists and the Watford Long John Silver
Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.
montage of goals scored by competent gynaecologists wearing surgical gowns and
caps, against totally incompetent and immobile LJSI team who simply stand round
going 'Aaarrrggghhh! Jim lad' as the goals rain in. The ball is tucked
off-screen. Sudden cut to studio. A presenter is standing in front of curtain;
he catches the ball thrown from off. He smiles.
(M.P.) Well, that's about it for tonight ladies
and gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just half as
much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you. Ha,
The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to montage of scenes of destruction, buildings falling down, bombs etc. Roll credits over.