Close up of a flag bearing a black eagle on a red background fluttering in the wind. Blue sky and clouds behind. Adventure music as for buccaneer film.
BLACK EAGLE.................THORNTON WELLES
MEG FAIRWEATHER.............KATE TAMBLYING
JACK FAIRWEATHER............OWEN TREGOWER
HENRY FAIRWEATHER...........RUSS TEMPOLE JNR.
MRS FAIRWEATHER.............ALICE SHOEMAKER
DR TENNYSON.................MARSHALL M. WEST
LUMPKIN.....................DINO DE VERE
MR RIVERS...................WALTER SCHENKEL
LT STAVEACRE................NORMAN S. HUGHES
A WENCH............. .......MARSHA SUTTON
SECOND WENCH................TINEA PEDIS
SCREENPLAY BY AL R. SCHROEDER AND WAYNE KOPIT
BASED ON THE NOVEL 'THE BLUE EAGLE' BY RAPHAEL SABATINI
SET DECORATION..............CY BORGINI
UNIT MANAGER................TREVOR BELOWSKI
SPECIAL EFFECTS.............WALTER SCHENKEL
MISS TAMBLYING'S GOWNS BY HEPWORTHS
COLOUR BY CHROMACOLOUR
SOUND RECORDING WCA SYSTEM
COPYRIGHT BY SCHENKEL PRODUCTIONS
ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS COINCIDENTAL
PRODUCED BY JOSEPH M. SCHLACK
DIRECTED BY LAUREN F. NORDER
Mix through from flag to sea at night. Sound of water lapping. Soft sound of muffled oars drawing nearer. We can see a rowing boat making slowly and silently towards the shore where the camera is. The stirring music continues.
Roller Caption: 'IN 1742 THE SPANISH EMPIRE LAY IN RUINS. TORN BY INTERNAL DISSENT, AND WRACKED BY NUMEROUS WARS, ITS RICH TRADE ROUTES FELL EASY PREY TO BRITISH PRIVATEERS...AND THE TREASURE OF THE SPANISH MAIN WAS BROUGHT HOME TO THE SHORES OF ENGLAND'
By the time roller captions have finished the rowing boat has approached much nearer. It stops and they ship their oars. Cut in to close ups of pirate's face peering into the darkness. Shot from the boat of a deserted cliff top. A light flashes twice. Then there is a pause. Cut back to the boat; the men look uneasy as they wait for the third flash. Cut back to the cliff... at last the third flash. Cut back to the boat; they start to again. Cut to them beaching the boat on the shore. They start to unload sacks and chests. Putting them onto their shoulders they start to walk along the shore line. We pan with them for quite some way... and suddenly between the camera and the pirates we come across the announcer at a desk. He wears a dinner jacket and shuffles some papers in front of him.
Announcer: (J.C.) And now for something completely different...
It's Man: (M.P.) It's...
Animated titles. Cut to a small Tobacconist's shop. The Shopkeeper is handing change to a fireman.
Fireman: (M.P.) Thank you very much for the change, Mr Tobacconist. (he exits; then out of vision, very loud) Was that all right?
Stirring adventure music of buccaneer film as at the beginning and the roller caption in the same typeface.
Roller Caption: IN 1970, THE BRITISH EMPIRE LAY IN RUINS, FOREIGN NATIONALS FREQUENTED THE STREETS - MANY OF THEM HUNGARIANS (NOT THE STREETS - THE FOREIGN NATIONALS). ANYWAY, MANY OF THESE HUNGARIANS WENT INTO TOBACCONIST'S SHOPS TO BUY CIGARETTES...
Enter Hungarian gentleman with phrase book. He is looking for the right phrase.
Hungarian: (J.C.) I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Shopkeeper: (T.J.) Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Shopkeeper: No, no, no. This ... Tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this Tobacconist's, it is scratched.
Shopkeeper: No, no, no ...tobacco...er, cigarettes?
Hungarian: Yes, cigarettes. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Hungarian: (miming matches) My hovercraft is full of eels.
Shopkeeper: Matches, matches? (showing some)
Hungarian: Yah, yah. (he takes cigarettes and matches and pulls out loose change; he consults his book) Er, do you want ... do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Shopkeeper: I don't think you're using that right.
Hungarian: You great pouf.
Shopkeeper: That'll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected.
Shopkeeper: (miming that he wants to see the book; he takes the book) It costs six and six ...(mumbling as he searches) Costs six and six ... Here we are ... Yandelvayasna grldenwi stravenka.
Hungarian hits him between the eyes. Policeman walking along the street suddenly stops and puts his hand to his ear. He starts running down the street, round corner and down another street, round yet another corner and down another street into the shop
Policeman: (G.C.) What's going on here then?
Hungarian: (opening book and pointing at Shopkeeper) You have beautiful thighs.
Shopkeeper: He hit me.
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime.
Policeman: Right! (grabs him and drags him out)
Hungarian: My nipples explode with delight.
Cut to a courtroom.
Clerk: (E.I.) Call Alexander Yahlt
Voices: Call Alexander Yahlt. Call Alexander Yahlt. Call Alexander Yahlt. (They do this three times finishing with harmony)
Magistrate: (T.J.) Oh, shut up.
Clerk: You are Alexander Yahlt?
Yalht: (M.P.) (Derek Nimmo's voice (dubbed on)) Oh I am.
Clerk: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yahlt?
Yalht: (normal voice) I am.
Clerk: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May 1970, you did wilfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Yalht: Not guilty.
Clerk: You live at 46, Horton Terrace?
Yalht: I do live at 46, Horton Terrace.
Clerk: You are the director of a publishing company?
Yalht: I am the director of a publishing company.
Clerk: Your company publishes phrasebooks?
Yalht: My company does publish phrasebooks.
Clerk: You did say 46, Horton Terrace, didn't you?
He claps his hand to his mouth; gong sounds - general applause.
Clerk: Ha, ha, ha, I got him.
Magistrate: Get on with it! Get on with it!
Clerk: Yes, m'lud, on the 28th of May, you published this phrasebook.
Yalht: I did.
Clerk: I quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning 'Can you direct me to the station?' is translated by the English phrase, 'Please fondle my bum'.
Yalht: I wish to plead incompetence.
The Policeman stands up
Policeman: Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lud?
Magistrate:An adjournment? Certainly not. (the Policeman sits down; there is a loud raspberry; the Policeman goes bright red) Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?
Policeman: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lud.
Cut to stock film of Women's Institute applauding. Cut back to the Magistrate.
Magistrate: If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.
Clerk: Call Abigail Tesler
Two policemen carry a large photo blow-up the size of a door. It is a photo from a newspaper like the 'Mirror', with a girl in a bikini and the headline across the top: 'Sunshine Sizzler'. Underneath is some small print which is later read out (see below). They prop her up in the witness box.
Defence: (J.C.) M'lud - this is Abigail Tesler.
Magistrate: Is it?
Defence: Yes, m'lud. Twenty-three-year-old Abigail hails from down under, where they're upside down about her. Those Aussies certainly know a thing or two when it comes to beach belles. Bet some life-saver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life. So watch out for sharks, Abigail!
Cut back to the Judge's desk. The Judge has turned into a similar photo blow-up of himself, the size of a door. The headline at the top is 'Legal Sizzler'.
Journalist: (E.I.) (voice over) Is this strictly relevant? Quizzed learned lovely, Justice Maltravers. Seventy-eight-year-old Justice hails from Esther, and he's been making a big name for himself at the recent Assizes at Exeter. (cut back to defence counsel, who has turned into a large photo blow-up of himself headed 'Defence Counsel Sizzler')
Voice Over: All will be revealed soon m'lud, quipped tall forty-two-year-old Nelson Bedowes. Cutie QC Nelson's keen on negligence and grievous bodily harm at Gray's Inn. And with cases like he's won we bet Gray's in when Nelson's around.
Animation: Starting with newspaper photo of Judge in dark glasses and full wig with a starlet beside him, walking down London airport departure corridor carrying cases.
Voice Over: Well get on with it, admitted seventy-eight-year-old genial jurisprudent Maltravers seen here at London airport, on his way to Judge for Britain at the famous International Court in the Hague ...
Voice: Get off!