Stock film of former British Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald arriving at Number 10 Downing Street and any others of that period. 

Voice Over:  1929. Stanley Baldwin's Conservative Government is defeated and Ramsay MacDonald becomes, for the second time, Prime Minister of England.


MacDonald walks into an empty room - black and white film.


Ramsay MacDonald:  (M.P.) My, it's hot in here.


He proceeds to take off his clothes, strips down to black garter belt and suspenders and stocking.

Cut to Mr. Glans who is sitting next to a fully practical old 8mm home projector. There is a knock at the door. He switches the projector off and hides it furtively. He is sitting in an office, with a placard saying 'Exchange and Mart, Editor' on his desk. He points to it rather obviously.


Glans:  (J.C.) Hello, come in. (enter Bee, a young aspirant job hunter) Ah, hello, hello, how much do you want for that briefcase?


Bee:  (T.J.) Well, I...


Glans: All right then, the briefcase and the umbrella. A fiver down, must be my final offer.


Bee: Well, I don't want to sell them. I've come for a job.


Glans: Oh, take a seat, take a seat.


Bee: Thank you.


Glans: I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminium frame. I'll throw that in and a fiver, for the briefcase and the umbrella ... no, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a fiver and a pair of ex-German U-boat commander's binoculars.


Bee: Really, they are not for sale.


Glans: Not for sale, what does that mean?


Bee: I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.


Glans: Oh yeah, right. Ah, OK, ah. How much experience in journalism?


Bee: Five years.


Glans: Right, typing speed?


Bee: Fifty.


Glans: O Levels?


Bee: Eight.


Glans: A Levels?


Bee: Two.


Glans: Right... Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all-wool ex-army sleeping bag ... for the briefcase, umbrella, the pens in your breast pocket and your string vest.


Bee: When do I start?


Glans: Monday.


Bee: That's marvellous.


Glans: If you throw in the shoes as well. (presses intercom) Hello, er ... Miss Johnson? Could we have two coffees and biscuits please?


Miss Johnson: (over intercom) One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.


Glans: Two ex-army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp, for two coffees and biscuits.


Animation:  an elderly secretary at a desk in an empty room.


Miss Johnson: Two greatcoats and two table lamps.


Cut back to real office.


Glans: Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boat.


Cut back to cartoon.


Chinese conspiracy

American defence
Crelm toothpaste

Miss Johnson: For two coffees and biscuits? Office.


Glans: Done. Cartoon.


Miss Johnson: Done.


Voice Over: (T.G.) So Miss Johnson returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams, unaware as she was of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. For Miss Johnson was about to fall victim of the dreaded international Chinese Communist Conspiracy. (lots of little yellow men pour into the office) Yes, these fanatical thieves under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung (who appears in the animation) had caught Miss Johnson off guard for one brief but fatal moment and destroyed her. (Miss Johnson is submerged in a tide of yellow men) Just as they are ready to do anytime free men anywhere waver in their defence of democracy.


A sailing ship with American flag sails in over yellow men. Zoom in on the flag: Uncle Sam appears in front of it.


Uncle Sam: Yes, once again American defence proves its effectiveness against international communism. Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country, we can see how international communism works by eroding away form the inside (diagram of tooth rotting from inside and collapsing) When one country or tooth falls victim to international communism, its neighbours soon follow (the remaining teeth fall sideways into the gap) In dentistry, this is known as Domino Theory. but with American defence the decay is stopped before it starts and that's why nine out of ten small countries choose American defence ...


Different Voice Over: (E.I.)  ...Or Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin! The white car represents Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin. (two cars in a bleak landscape) The non-white car represents another toothpaste (the cars race off) Both toothpastes provide 30% protection. (they pass a banner: '60% protection') At 60% protection both toothpastes are doing well. And now at 90% protection the ... wait! (the grey car stops dead at the '90% protection' banner) The non-white car is out, and the Crelm toothpaste goes on to win with 100% protection! Yes, do like all smart motorists. Choose Crelm toothpaste.


Cut to 'Shrill' advertising man


'Shrill' Man: (M.P.) Or Shrill Petrol with the new additive GLC 9424075. After 6 p.m., 9424047. Using this white card (half of screen goes white) to represent Shrill's new additive GLC 9424075 - after 6 p.m., 9424047 - we can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth by the superior forces available to Shrill. (shot, off) Aaaagh!


End of animation.




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