POOFY JUDGES

Majestic music.  An oak-panelled robing chamber in the Old Bailey. Two Judges in full wigs and red robes enter.

First Judge: (E.I.) (very camp) Oh, I've had such a morning in the High Court. I could stamp my little feet the way those QC's carry on.

Second Judge: (M.P.) (just as camp) Don't I know it, love.

First Judge: Objection here, objection there! And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well - beautiful speaking voice ... well after a bit all I could do was bang my little gavel.

Second Judge: You what, love?

First Judge: I banged me gavel. I did me 'silence in court' bit. Ooh! If looks could kill that prosecuting counsel would be in for thirty years. How did your summing up go?

Second Judge: Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know (puts on a butch voice) 'what the jury must understand', (back to camp) and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me.

First Judge: Really?

Second Judge: Yes, cheeky devil.

First Judge: Was he that tall man with that very big... ?

Second Judge: No, just a minute - I must finish you know. Anyway, I finished up with 'the actions of these vicious men is a violent stain on the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes', and I waggled my wig! Just ever so slightly, but it was a stunning effect.

First Judge takes off his robe to reveal a sparkly skimpy little number.

First Judge: Oh, I bet it was... like that super time I wore that striped robe in the Magistrates Court.

Second Judge: Oh, aye.

Fade out.