RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT INTERVIEW/ REGISTRY OFFICE

Fade in on ordinary interview set. Interviewer sitting with man with large polystyrene nose.

Interviewer: (M.P.) Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.

Raymond: (G.C.) That's not my name.

Interviewer: I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.

Raymond: No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.

Interviewer: You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you.

Raymond: Ah, anti-semitism!

Interviewer: Not at all. It's not even a proper nose. (takes it off) It's polystyrene.

Raymond: Give me my nose back.

Interviewer: You can collect it at reception. Now go away.

Raymond: I want to be on the television.

Interviewer: Well you can't.

Animation sketch. Then cut to a large sign saying 'Registry Office ', 'Marriages' etc. A man is talking to the registrar.

First Man: (T.J.)  Er, excuse me, I want to get married.

Registrar: (E.I.) I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...

Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.

First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.

Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.

First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...

Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?

First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.

First Man: I don't want to marry you!

Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.

First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.

Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.

First Man: I'm sorry, but...

Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.

First Man: Look, I'm already engaged.

Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.

Second Man: (M.P.) (entering) Good morning. I want to get married.

Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.

Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?

Registrar: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.

Third Man: (G.C.) (entering) I want to get married, please.

Registrar: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.

Third Man: What, those two getting married? Nigel, what are you doing marrying him?

Registrar: He's marrying me first, sir.

Third Man: He's engaged to me.

Fourth Man: (J.C.) (big and butch) Come on, Henry.

Registrar: Blimey, the wife.

Second Man: Will you marry me?

Fourth Man: I'm already married.

Cut to a photo of all five of them standing happily outside a house. 

Voice Over: Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you mustn’t ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.

Animation: 'The Spot'