SCHOOL PRIZE-GIVING/ 'IF' - A FILM BY MR DIBLEY/ 'REAR WINDOW' - A FILM BY MR DIBLEY/ 'FINIAN'S RAINBOW' (STARRING THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE)

Cut to the announcer in a silly location, sitting at his desk as usual.

Announcer: (J.C.) You probably noticed that I didn't say 'and now for something completely different' just now. This is simply because I am unable to appear in the show this week. (looks closely at script, puzzled) Sorry to interrupt you.

Cut to a man holding his mouth open to show the camera his teeth.

Man: (T.J.) I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but my tooth's hurting, just around here.

Voice: Get off.

Man: Oh, sorry.

Cut to pompous moustached stockbroker type.

Nabarro: (G.C.) I'm not sorry to interrupt - I'll interrupt anything if it gets people looking in my direction - like at my old school where, by a coincidence, the annual prize giving is going on at this very moment.

There is a ripple effect, and a muted trumpet plays a corny segue sequence. We mix through to the trumpeter at a school prize giving. On the stage of the school hall there is a long table behind which are sitting several distinguished people. A bishop in a grey suit and purple stock and dog collar gets up.

Bishop: (M.P.) My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaagh!

Hands pull him down behind the table. Fighting, punching, struggle, grunts etc. No reaction at all from the distinguished guests. The bishop's head reappears for a moment.

Bishop: ... scholarship and sporting achievement in all... aaaagh!

He disappears again. More noises. Up comes another bishop dressed identically.

Second Bishop: (E.I.) I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who has been speaking to you is an impostor. He is not in fact the Bishop of East Anglia, but a man wanted by the police. I am the Bishop of East Anglia and anyone who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book. Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver cup, which has been won by me. (he puts the silver cup into a sack) Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of Applied Mathematics. Well, there was no-one this year who reached the required standard so it goes in my sack. And by an old rule of the school all the other silver trophies also go in my sack ... aaagh!

He is dragged down by an unseen hand. More sounds of fighting, noisier than before even. A Chinaman in Mao jacket and cap appears.

Chinaman: (G.C.) Velly solly for hold-up ... no ploblem now ... me are Bishop of East Anglia, now plesent plizes ... Eyes down for first plize ... The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegaics... 'goes to ... People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!

The Chinaman is dragged down beneath the table as were the others. Again sound of struggle, thumps etc. A plainclothes policeman stands up.

Detective: (T.J.) Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw - Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad, but I'd like you to think of me as the Bishop of East Anglia, and I'd like to present the first prize, the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...

A shot. He leaps backwards. Sound of machine guns and exploding shells. Two men in army uniform with camouflage sticking out of tin helmets rush up to the table and exchange fire. They have a huge bazooka which they fire from time to time.

Soldier: (J.C.) (appearing from beneath the table, shouting above the din of the battle) Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys. Please do not panic. Please keep your heads right down now, and at the back please keep your heads right down. Do not panic, don't look round - this building is surrounded. There is nothing to worry about. I am the Bishop of East Anglia. Now the first prize is the Granville Cup for French Unseen Translation ... (explosion and smoke, debris over the stage) and it goes to Forbes Minor... Forbes Minor ... right, give him covering fire ... (explosion) Come on Forbes. Come on boy. Come and get it. Keep down. (a wretched schoolboy appears on the stage keeping his head down) Well done... (he manages to get the cup but as he stands to shake hands he is shot) Oh... bad luck! The next prize...

Mix through to a picture on a TV monitor and pull out from monitor to reveal a studio set as for a late-night discussion programme.

Interviewer: (G.C.) Mr. L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'. (he turns to Dibley) Mr. Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between your film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school, and Mr. Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a public school.

Dibley: (T.J.) Oh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film '2001 - A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.

Interviewer: Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear Window', which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through it...

Cut to a dim, shaky 8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a few seconds a man appears and looks out. He then performs over-exaggerated horror and points, looking at camera. Then he disappears and then he reappears.

Dibley: Yes, well, let's see now ... there's the rear window. There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours ... lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made £3 million more than I did. Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow' ... The man from the off-licence was terrible ... a real failure that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.

Cut to shaky titles: "Mr. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring the man from the off-licence". Cut to the man from the off-licence standing by a tennis-court. He wears a dress and appears to be trying to say something - he has forgotten his words. He does an unconvincing little dance.

Caption: 'THE END'

Dibley: Bloody terrible.

Interviewer: Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'. And now over to me.