SCHOOL PRIZE-GIVING/ 'IF' - A FILM BY MR DIBLEY/ 'REAR WINDOW' - A FILM BY MR DIBLEY/ 'FINIAN'S RAINBOW' (STARRING THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE)
Cut to the
announcer in a silly location, sitting at his desk as usual.
You probably noticed that I didn't say 'and now for something completely
different' just now. This is simply because I am unable to appear in the show
this week. (looks closely at script, puzzled) Sorry to interrupt you.
Cut to a man
holding his mouth open to show the camera his teeth.
I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but my tooth's hurting, just around here.
Cut to pompous
moustached stockbroker type.
I'm not sorry to interrupt - I'll interrupt anything if it gets people looking
in my direction - like at my old school where, by a coincidence, the annual
prize giving is going on at this very moment.
There is a
ripple effect, and a muted trumpet plays a corny segue sequence. We mix through
to the trumpeter at a school prize giving. On the stage of the school hall there
is a long table behind which are sitting several distinguished people. A bishop
in a grey suit and purple stock and dog collar gets up.
My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, it gives me very great pleasure to return to my
old school, to present the prizes in this centenary year. This school takes very
justifiable pride in its fine record of... aaaaagh!
Hands pull him
down behind the table. Fighting, punching, struggle, grunts etc. No reaction at
all from the distinguished guests. The bishop's head reappears for a moment.
scholarship and sporting achievement in all... aaaagh!
again. More noises. Up comes another bishop dressed identically.
Second Bishop: (E.I.)
I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake. The man who has been speaking to you is
an impostor. He is not in fact the Bishop of East Anglia, but a man wanted by
the police. I am the Bishop of East Anglia and anyone who doesn't believe me can
look me up in the book. Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver cup,
which has been won by me. (he puts the silver cup into a sack) Next we come to
the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of Applied
Mathematics. Well, there was no-one this year who reached the required standard
so it goes in my sack. And by an old rule of the school all the other silver
trophies also go in my sack ... aaagh!
He is dragged
down by an unseen hand. More sounds of fighting, noisier than before even. A
Chinaman in Mao jacket and cap appears.
Velly solly for hold-up ... no ploblem now ... me are Bishop of East Anglia, now
plesent plizes ... Eyes down for first plize ... The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for
Latin Elegaics... 'goes to ... People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!
The Chinaman is
dragged down beneath the table as were the others. Again sound of struggle,
thumps etc. A plainclothes policeman stands up.
Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw - Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of
the Special Branch Speech Day Squad, but I'd like you to think of me as the
Bishop of East Anglia, and I'd like to present the first prize, the Grimwade
Gynn Trophy to...
A shot. He leaps
backwards. Sound of machine guns and exploding shells. Two men in army uniform
with camouflage sticking out of tin helmets rush up to the table and exchange
fire. They have a huge bazooka which they fire from time to time.
(appearing from beneath the table, shouting above the din of the battle)
Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys. Please do not panic.
Please keep your heads right down now, and at the back please keep your heads
right down. Do not panic, don't look round - this building is surrounded. There
is nothing to worry about. I am the Bishop of East Anglia. Now the first prize
is the Granville Cup for French Unseen Translation ... (explosion and smoke,
debris over the stage) and it goes to Forbes Minor... Forbes Minor ...
right, give him covering fire ... (explosion) Come on Forbes. Come on
boy. Come and get it. Keep down. (a wretched schoolboy appears on the stage
keeping his head down) Well done... (he manages to get the cup but as he
stands to shake hands he is shot) Oh... bad luck! The next prize...
Mix through to a
picture on a TV monitor and pull out from monitor to reveal a studio set as for
a late-night discussion programme.
Dibley's latest film 'if'. (he turns to Dibley) Mr. Dibley, some people have
drawn comparisons between your film, 'if', which ends with a gun battle at a
public school, and Mr. Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if', which ends with a gun
battle at a public school.
well, I mean, there were some people who said my film '2001 - A Space Odyssey',
was similar to Stanley Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical
niggling that's dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made
'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his
version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.
we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear Window', which was to become
such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent
film, so perhaps you could talk us through it...
Cut to a
8mm shot of a window. It is open. After a few seconds a man appears and looks
out. He then performs over-exaggerated horror and points, looking at camera.
Then he disappears and then he reappears.
Dibley: Yes, well,
let's see now ... there's the rear window. There's the man looking out of the
window. He sees the murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but
he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's
supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours ...
lost all the tension ... just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made £3
million more than I did. Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done
with her in 'Finian's Rainbow' ... The man from the off-licence was terrible ...
a real failure that was - ten seconds of solid boredom.
Cut to shaky
titles: "Mr. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow starring the man from the
Cut to the man from the off-licence standing by a tennis-court. He wears a dress
and appears to be trying to say something - he has forgotten his words. He does
an unconvincing little dance.
Caption: 'THE END'
Dibley: Bloody terrible.
Interviewer: Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'. And now over to me.