ATTILA THE NUN/ SECRETARY OF STATE STRIPTEASE/ VOX POPS ON POLITICIANS

  

Cut to a country road. After three seconds a motorbike appears in the distance and speeds towards the camera. We see that a wild-looking nun is riding it.

 

First Voice Over: (J.C.) Yes, it's Attila the Nun.

 

Attila the Nun flashes past the camera, There is a loud sound of the bike crashing off camera.

 

Second Voice Over: (M.P.) A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.  

    

Attila the Nun on a hospital bed, struggling wildly with two doctors and a nurse who are trying to hold her down. She looks really fearsome. Another doctor enters and summons the nurse away.

 

Doctor: (G.C.) Nurse!

 

The camera tracks away and comes up on another bed in which is sitting a beautiful girl revealing more than a patient normally would and endowed with Carol's . . . undoubted attributes. Screens are placed around her. The doctor and nurse come in through the screens.

 

Doctor: Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?

 

Miss Norris: Not too bad, thank you, doctor.

 

Doctor: Yes, well I think I'd better examine you.

 

Cut to a line of half a dozen shabby men in filthy macs down to the floor and caps, who shuffle in through the screens and stand at the foot of the bed leering.

 

Miss Norris: What are they doing here?

 

Doctor: It's all right, they're students. Um... lights please, nurse. (a single red spotlight spills down on the girl; cut back to the men leering) Oh... and... er... music, too. (nurse presses a switch beside bed; stripper music; very loud; cut to line of men getting very excited - hands deep in pockets) Breathe in ... out ... in ... out...

 

After about five seconds the music reaches a climax and ends. The men in macs all applaud.

 

Cut to reverse angle to show that we are no longer in a hospital but in a seedy strip club. The curtains have just swished shut.

 

Compère: (E.I.) Thank you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the Stripping Doctor. And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the Peephole Club for the very first time - a very big welcome please for the Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.

 

Curtains open. The compère leaves the stage. A man in city gent's outfit walks into the spotlight.

 

Minister: (T.J.) Good evening. Tonight I'd like to restate our position on agricultural subsidies, (soft breathy jazzy music creeps in behind his words and he starts to strip as he talks) and their effect on our Commonwealth relationships. Now although we believe, theoretically, in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also believe in the need for a corresponding import levy to maintain consumer prices at a realistic level. But this would have the effect of consolidating our gains of the previous fiscal year, prior to the entry. But I pledge that should we join the Common Market - even maintaining the present position on subsidies - we will never jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with the Commonwealth countries. A prices structure related to any import charges will be systematically adjusted to the particular requirements of our Commonwealth partners (he has now removed all his clothes apart from a tassel on each nipple and one on the front of some skin-tight briefs; he starts to revolve the tassels on his nipples) - so that together we will maintain a positive, and mutually beneficial alliance in world trade (he turns revealing a tassel on each buttock which he also revolves) and for world peace. Thank you and goodnight.

 

He removes the last tassel from his G-string with a flourish. Blackout and curtains quickly close. Compère bounces back on stage.

 

Compère: Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!

 

Burst of Turkish music and curtains swish back as another bowler-hatted pinstriped minister (G.C.) enters doing a belly dance.

 

Cut to still of Houses of Parliament. Slow track in. Music changes to impressive patriotic music.

 

Voice Over: (G.C.) Yes, today in Britain there is a new wave of interest in politics and politicians.

 

Cut to vox pops outside Houses of Parliament.

 

Caption: 'A GROUPIE'

 

First Girl: (E.I.) Well, we're just in it for the lobbying, you know. We just love lobbying.

 

Second Girl: (G.C.) And the debates - you know a good debate ... is just... fabulous.

 

Third Girl: (M.P.) Well, I've been going with ministers for five years now and, you know... I think they're wonderful.

 

Fourth Girl: (T.J.) Oh yes, I like civil servants.

 

Third Girl: Oh yes, they're nice.

 

Fifth Girl: (J.C.) I like the Speaker.

 

Third Girl: Oh yes.

 

Fourth Girl: I like Black Rod.

 

Voice Over: What do their parents think?

 

Cut to suburban house. Mr Concrete standing in front of door of outside loo.

 

Mr Concrete: (T.J.) Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again I'll kick her teeth in.  

 

  

 

   
 

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