ATTILA THE NUN/ SECRETARY OF STATE STRIPTEASE/ VOX POPS ON POLITICIANS
Cut to a country road. After three seconds a motorbike appears in the
distance and speeds towards the camera. We see that a wild-looking nun is riding
First Voice Over:
(J.C.) Yes, it's Attila the Nun.
Attila the Nun
flashes past the camera, There is a loud sound of the bike crashing off camera.
Second Voice Over: (M.P.) A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.
Attila the Nun
on a hospital bed, struggling wildly with two doctors and a nurse who are trying
to hold her down. She looks really fearsome. Another doctor enters and summons
the nurse away.
The camera tracks
away and comes up on another bed in which is sitting a beautiful girl revealing
more than a patient normally would and endowed with Carol's . . . undoubted
attributes. Screens are placed around her. The doctor and nurse come in through
Doctor: Hello, Miss
Norris. How are you?
Miss Norris: Not
too bad, thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Yes, well I
think I'd better examine you.
Cut to a line of
half a dozen shabby men in filthy macs down to the floor and caps, who shuffle
in through the screens and stand at the foot of the bed leering.
Miss Norris: What
are they doing here?
Doctor: It's all
right, they're students. Um... lights please, nurse. (a single red spotlight
spills down on the girl; cut back to the men leering) Oh... and... er... music,
too. (nurse presses a switch beside bed; stripper music; very loud; cut to line
of men getting very excited - hands deep in pockets) Breathe in ... out ... in
After about five
seconds the music reaches a climax and ends. The men in macs all applaud.
Cut to reverse
angle to show that we are no longer in a hospital but in a seedy strip club. The
curtains have just swished shut.
you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the Stripping Doctor. And next, gentlemen and
ladies, here at the Peephole Club for the very first time - a very big welcome
please for the Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Curtains open. The
compère leaves the stage. A man in city gent's outfit walks into the spotlight.
evening. Tonight I'd like to restate our position on agricultural subsidies, (soft breathy jazzy music creeps in behind his words and he starts to strip as
he talks) and their effect on our Commonwealth relationships. Now although we
believe, theoretically, in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also believe in the
need for a corresponding import levy to maintain consumer prices at a realistic
level. But this would have the effect of consolidating our gains of the previous
fiscal year, prior to the entry. But I pledge that should we join the Common
Market - even maintaining the present position on subsidies - we will never
jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with the
Commonwealth countries. A prices structure related to any import charges will be
systematically adjusted to the particular requirements of our Commonwealth
partners (he has now removed all his clothes apart from a tassel on each nipple
and one on the front of some skin-tight briefs; he starts to revolve the tassels
on his nipples) - so that together we will maintain a positive, and mutually
beneficial alliance in world trade (he turns revealing a tassel on each buttock
which he also revolves) and for world peace. Thank you and goodnight.
He removes the last
tassel from his G-string with a flourish. Blackout and curtains quickly close.
Compère bounces back on stage.
Compère: Wasn't he
marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen
and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social
Burst of Turkish
music and curtains swish back as another bowler-hatted pinstriped minister (G.C.)
enters doing a belly dance.
Cut to still of
Houses of Parliament. Slow track in. Music changes to impressive patriotic
Voice Over: (G.C.)
today in Britain there is a new wave of interest in politics and politicians.
Cut to vox pops
outside Houses of Parliament.
First Girl: (E.I.)
we're just in it for the lobbying, you know. We just love lobbying.
Second Girl: (G.C.)
the debates - you know a good debate ... is just... fabulous.
Third Girl: (M.P.)
I've been going with ministers for five years now and, you know... I think
Fourth Girl: (T.J.)
yes, I like civil servants.
Third Girl: Oh yes,
Fifth Girl: (J.C.)
Third Girl: Oh
Fourth Girl: I like
Voice Over: What do
their parents think?
Cut to suburban
house. Mr Concrete standing in front of door of outside loo.
Mr Concrete: (T.J.) Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again I'll kick her teeth in.