A field. A man with large mechanical wings, pulleys and gears contraption, running along trying to fly. Cut to him going faster. Cut to him going even faster. Cut to him even faster and suddenly he appears to take off, jumping off a dune or a hillock. Cut to him flying in slow motion so that it looks like he is gliding. He hits what seems to be a cliff. Camera twists round so that it is the right way up, showing that the flyer has fallen down a cliff onto a beach. It pans across from the wreck of the flyer. As it pans across the sand, various other would-be fliers can be seen, heads in the sand, legs kicking up in the air, amidst the broken debris of their planes. Camera continues to pan until it comes across an announcer in DJ sitting at his desk:   


Announcer: (J.C.)  And now for something completely different.   


It's Man: (M.P.)  It's...   


Animated titles. 


Cut to a stock shot of mill town at the turn of the century - at night. Music: Black Dyke Mills Band playing a slow dirge.  


Subtitle: 'JARROW - NEW YEAR'S EVE 1911'


A few moments later  


Subtitle: 'JARROW 1912'  


Mix through to mill-owner's opulent sitting room at the turn of the century. Lady Mountback sits with her crochet. There is a knock on the door. 


Lady:  Come in.   


Enter Reg, cap in hand. Spanish Inquisition 1


Reg: (G.C.) Trouble at mill.
Lady: (C.C.) Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Reg: One o cross beams gone owt o skew on treddle.
Lady: Pardon?
Reg: One o cross beams gone owt o skew on treddle.
Lady: I don't understand what you're saying.
Reg: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treddle.
Lady: Well what on earth does that mean?
Reg: I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.


JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang.
Ximinez: (M.P.) NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our Amongst our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)


Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
JARRING CHORD - The Cardinals burst inSpanish Inquisition 2
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.


Biggles: (T.J.) What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...
Ximinez bundles the Cardinals outside again
Reg: (now rather worn) I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
JARRING CHORD - The Cardinals enter.Spanish Inquisition 3
Biggles: Er....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects
Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.Diabolical laughter
Fang: (T.G.) You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church (doing a little dance) 'My old man said follow the--'

Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?
Lady: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER'

Ximinez: (making exaggerated gestures) We'll soon change your mind about that!

Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING'
Diabolical Acting
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Lady: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders

Biggles: I....
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.Spanish Inquitision 4
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene to go and answers it.


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