GIRLS' BOARDING SCHOOL/ SUBMARINE
Voice Over: (E.I.) And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.
Noise of female snores. Sound of a
window sash being lifted and scrabbling sounds. Padding feet across the dorm.
First Butch Voice: (M.P.)
Agnes are you awake? Agnes....
Sound of waking up. More padding
First Butch Voice: Agnes...
Second Butch Voice: (E.I.)
Who is it ... is
that you, Charlie?
First Butch Voice: Yeah... Agnes,
Third Butch Voice: (T.J.)
I'm over here,
First Butch Voice: Jane, we're going
down to raid the tuck shop.
Second Butch Voice: Oh good oh ...
count me in, girls.
Fourth Butch Voice: (G.C.)
Can I come, too,
First Butch Voice: Yeah, Joyce.
Fifth Butch Voice: And me and Avril...
Third Butch Voice: Yeah, rather...
Fourth Butch Voice: Oh, whacko the
First Butch Voice: Cave girls... Here
comes Miss Rodgers...
Light goes on to reveal a girls'
dorm. In the middle of the floor between the beds are two panto geese which run
off immediately the light goes on. There is one man in a string vest and short
military haircut, chest wig, schoolgirl's skirt, white socks and schoolgirl's
shoes. Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging
from each foot. In the beds are other batch blokes in string vests... and short
hair. At the door stands a commando-type Miss Rodgers.
Miss Rodgers: (C.C.)
All right girls, now
stop this tomfoolery and get back to bed, remember it's the big match at St
Cut to still of one of us in the
uniform as described above.
Superimposed Caption: 'THE NAUGHTIEST
GIRL IN THE SCHOOL'
Voice Over: (J.C.)
Yes, on your screen
tomorrow: 'The Naughtiest Girl in the School' starring the men of the 14th
Marine Commandos. (cut to a picture made up of inch-square photos of various
topical subjects e.g. Stalin, Churchill, Eden, White Home, atom bomb, map of
Western Europe, Gandhi) And now it's documentary time, when we look at the
momentous last years of the Second World War, and tonight the invasion of
Normandy performed by the girls of Oakdene High School, Upper Fifth Science.
Stock film of amphibious craft
brought up on a beach. The front of the craft crashes down and fifty soldiers
rush out. We hear schoolgirl voices. Cut to traditional shot through periscope
of ocean, cross-sights scanning the horizon. Submarine-type dramatic noise -
motors and asdic. Cut to interior of submarine. A pepperpot looks through the
periscope, then looks round at her colleagues.
First Pepperpot: Oh, it's still
Her four companions continue to knit.
Second Pepperpot: I'm going down the
First Pepperpot: Oh, be a dear and
get me some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.
Second Pepperpot: Aye, aye, captain.
Attention noise from the
communication tube. A red light flashes by it.
Voice: Coo-ee. Torpedo bay.
First Pepperpot: Yoo-hoo. Torpedo
Third Pepperpot: She said torpedo
First Pepperpot: Yes, she did, she
Fourth Pepperpot: Yes, she said
torpedo bay. She did, she did.
Voice: Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here.
Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo
First Pepperpot: Roger, Mrs. Edale.
Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.
All: Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.
First Pepperpot: Red alert, put the
Voice: Kettle on.
First Pepperpot: Engine room, stand
by to feed the cat.
Voice: Standing by to feed the cat.
First Pepperpot: Fire Mrs. Nesbitt.
Animation: a pepperpot is fired from
a torpedo tube through the water, until she travels head first into a battleship
with a load clang.
Mrs. Nesbitt: Oh, that's much better.
Cut to a letter as in the last
series, plus voice reading it.
Voice Over: As an admiral who came up
through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my
husband Admiral O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of
our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and
butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and
the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks!
to a man at a desk.
Presenter: I'm afraid we are unable
to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through
Cut to man with a stoat through his head. He bows. Cut to film of Women's Institute applauding.