GIRLS' BOARDING SCHOOL/ SUBMARINE

 

Voice Over: (E.I.) And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.

  

Noise of female snores. Sound of a window sash being lifted and scrabbling sounds. Padding feet across the dorm.

  

First Butch Voice: (M.P.) Hello, Agnes... Agnes are you awake? Agnes....

  

Sound of waking up. More padding feet.

  

First Butch Voice: Agnes...

 

Second Butch Voice: (E.I.) Who is it ... is that you, Charlie?

 

First Butch Voice: Yeah... Agnes, where's Jane?

 

Third Butch Voice: (T.J.) I'm over here, Charlie.

 

First Butch Voice: Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.

 

Second Butch Voice: Oh good oh ... count me in, girls.

 

Fourth Butch Voice: (G.C.) Can I come, too, Agnes?

 

First Butch Voice: Yeah, Joyce.

 

Fifth Butch Voice: And me and Avril...

 

Third Butch Voice: Yeah, rather... and Suki.

 

Fourth Butch Voice: Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.

 

First Butch Voice: Cave girls... Here comes Miss Rodgers...

 

Light goes on to reveal a girls' dorm. In the middle of the floor between the beds are two panto geese which run off immediately the light goes on. There is one man in a string vest and short military haircut, chest wig, schoolgirl's skirt, white socks and schoolgirl's shoes. Hanging from the middle of the ceiling is a goat with light bulbs hanging from each foot. In the beds are other batch blokes in string vests... and short hair. At the door stands a commando-type Miss Rodgers.

  

Miss Rodgers: (C.C.) All right girls, now stop this tomfoolery and get back to bed, remember it's the big match at St Bridget's tomorrow.

 

Cut to still of one of us in the uniform as described above.

 

Superimposed Caption: 'THE NAUGHTIEST GIRL IN THE SCHOOL'

 

Voice Over: (J.C.) Yes, on your screen tomorrow: 'The Naughtiest Girl in the School' starring the men of the 14th Marine Commandos. (cut to a picture made up of inch-square photos of various topical subjects e.g. Stalin, Churchill, Eden, White Home, atom bomb, map of Western Europe, Gandhi) And now it's documentary time, when we look at the momentous last years of the Second World War, and tonight the invasion of Normandy performed by the girls of Oakdene High School, Upper Fifth Science.

 

Stock film of amphibious craft brought up on a beach. The front of the craft crashes down and fifty soldiers rush out. We hear schoolgirl voices. Cut to traditional shot through periscope of ocean, cross-sights scanning the horizon. Submarine-type dramatic noise - motors and asdic. Cut to interior of submarine. A pepperpot looks through the periscope, then looks round at her colleagues.

 

First Pepperpot: Oh, it's still raining.

 

Her four companions continue to knit.

 

Second Pepperpot: I'm going down the shops.

 

First Pepperpot: Oh, be a dear and get me some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.

 

Second Pepperpot: Aye, aye, captain. (goes out)

 

Attention noise from the communication tube. A red light flashes by it.

 

Voice: Coo-ee. Torpedo bay.

 

First Pepperpot: Yoo-hoo. Torpedo bay.

 

Third Pepperpot: She said torpedo bay.

 

First Pepperpot: Yes, she did, she did.

 

Fourth Pepperpot: Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she did.

 

Voice: Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube.

 

First Pepperpot: Roger, Mrs. Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

 

All: Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

 

First Pepperpot: Red alert, put the kettle on.

 

Voice: Kettle on.

 

First Pepperpot: Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.

 

Voice: Standing by to feed the cat.

 

First Pepperpot: Fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

 

Animation: a pepperpot is fired from a torpedo tube through the water, until she travels head first into a battleship with a load clang.

 

Mrs. Nesbitt: Oh, that's much better.

 

Cut to a letter as in the last series, plus voice reading it.

 

Voice Over: As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband Admiral O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks!

 

Cut to a man at a desk.

 

Presenter: I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.

 

Cut to man with a stoat through his head. He bows. Cut to film of Women's Institute applauding.

   

 

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