TAKE YOUR PICK
Cut to three bishops shouting from
actual studio audience.
Bishops: Open the box! Open
the box! Open the box! Open the box! Open the box!
A simple 'Take Your Pick' style
set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.
Michael Miles: (J.C.)
And could we have the
next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out onto the set towards Michael
Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?
Pepperpot: (T.J.)
Yes, yes...
Michael Miles: And what's your name?
Pepperpot: I go to church regularly.
Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and
which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?
Pepperpot: I'd like the blow on the
head.
Michael Miles: The blow on the head.
Pepperpot: Just there. (points to the
back of her head)
Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your
first question for the blow on the head this evening is: What great opponent of
Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical
states?
Pepperpot: I don't know that!
Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.
Pepperpot: Henri Bergson.
Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!
Pepperpot: Ooh, that was lucky. I
never even heard of him.
Michael Miles: Jolly good.
Pepperpot: I don't like darkies.
Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does?
And now your second question for the blow on the head is: What is the main food
that penguins eat?
Pepperpot: Pork luncheon meat.
Michael Miles: No.
Pepperpot: Spam?
Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do
penguins eat? Penguins.
Pepperpot: Penguins?
Michael Miles: Yes.
Pepperpot: I hate penguins.
Michael Miles: No, no, no.
Pepperpot: They eat themselves.
Michael Miles: No, no, what do
penguins eat?
Pepperpot: Horses! ... Armchairs!
Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do
penguins eat?
Pepperpot: Oh, penguins.
Michael Miles: Penguins.
Pepperpot: Cannelloni.
Michael Miles: No.
Pepperpot: Lasagne, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau à l'estragon avec
endives gratinéed with cheese.
Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll
give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)
Pepperpot: Ah! Brian Close.
Michael Miles: No. no.
Pepperpot: Brian Inglis, Brian
Johnson, Bryan Forbes.
Michael Miles: No, no!
Pepperpot: Nanette Newman.
Michael Miles: No. What swims in the
sea and gets caught in nets?
Pepperpot: Henri Bergson.
Michael Miles: No.
Pepperpot: Goats. Underwater goats
with snorkels and flippers.
Michael Miles: No, no.
Pepperpot: A buffalo with an
aqualung.
Michael Miles: No, no.
Pepperpot: Reginald Maudling.
Michael Miles: Yes, that's near
enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs Scum, you have won your prize, do
you still want the blow on the head?
Pepperpot: Yes, yes.
Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke
in the eye.
Pepperpot: No! I want a blow on the
head.
Michael Miles: A punch in the throat?
Pepperpot: No.
Michael Miles: All right then, a kick
in the kneecap?
Pepperpot: No.
Michael Miles: Mrs Scum, I'm offering
you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap?
Pepperpot: Er...
Voices: Blow on the head! Take the
blow on the head!
Pepperpot: No, no. I'll take the blow
on the head.
Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs
Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.
He strikes her on head with an
enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the
background (G.C.) strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on
her. Cut to sign:
LICENCE FEES FROM 1ST JANUARY 1969
COLOUR TV AND RADIO £11-0-0
TV AND RADIO £6-0-0
RADIO ONLY £1-5-0
Roll credits over.
Caption: THE END
