TAKE YOUR PICK

 

Cut to three bishops shouting from actual studio audience.

 

Bishops: Open the box! Open the box! Open the box! Open the box! Open the box!

 

A simple 'Take Your Pick' style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.

 

Michael Miles: (J.C.) And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out onto the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha... Good evening, madam, and your name is?

 

Pepperpot: (T.J.) Yes, yes...

 

Michael Miles: And what's your name?

 

Pepperpot: I go to church regularly.

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

 

Pepperpot: I'd like the blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: The blow on the head.

 

Pepperpot: Just there. (points to the back of her head)

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: What great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

 

Pepperpot: I don't know that!

 

Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.

 

Pepperpot: Henri Bergson.

 

Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!

 

Pepperpot: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.

 

Michael Miles: Jolly good.

 

Pepperpot: I don't like darkies.

 

Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does? And now your second question for the blow on the head is: What is the main food that penguins eat?

 

Pepperpot: Pork luncheon meat.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Pepperpot: Spam?

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

 

Pepperpot: Penguins?

 

Michael Miles: Yes.

 

Pepperpot: I hate penguins.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no.

 

Pepperpot: They eat themselves.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguins eat?

 

Pepperpot: Horses! ... Armchairs!

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

 

Pepperpot: Oh, penguins.

 

Michael Miles: Penguins.

 

Pepperpot: Cannelloni.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Pepperpot: Lasagne, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau à l'estragon avec

endives gratinéed with cheese.

 

Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)

 

Pepperpot: Ah! Brian Close.

 

Michael Miles: No. no.

 

Pepperpot: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

 

Michael Miles: No, no!

 

Pepperpot: Nanette Newman.

 

Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

 

Pepperpot: Henri Bergson.

 

Michael Miles: No.

 

Pepperpot: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.

 

Michael Miles: No, no.

 

Pepperpot: A buffalo with an aqualung.

 

Michael Miles: No, no.

 

Pepperpot: Reginald Maudling.

 

Michael Miles: Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?

 

Pepperpot: Yes, yes.

 

Michael Miles: I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

 

Pepperpot: No! I want a blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: A punch in the throat?

 

Pepperpot: No.

 

Michael Miles: All right then, a kick in the kneecap?

 

Pepperpot: No.

 

Michael Miles: Mrs Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap?

 

Pepperpot: Er...

 

Voices: Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head!

 

Pepperpot: No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

 

Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

 

He strikes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background (G.C.) strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her. Cut to sign:

 

LICENCE FEES FROM 1ST JANUARY 1969

COLOUR TV AND RADIO £11-0-0

TV AND RADIO £6-0-0

RADIO ONLY £1-5-0

 

 

Roll credits over.

 

Caption: THE END

  

  

   
 

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