TEST MATCH/ THE EPSOM FURNITURE RACE
This sketch follows on from the Idiot in Society sketch.
Another very quick wide-shot of
Lords. There is nothing at all happening and we can't distinguish anyone. Cut to
three TV commentators in modern box, with sliding window open. They are
surrounded by bottles of drink.
Jim: (J.C.) Good afternoon and
welcome to Lords on the second day of the first test. So far today we've had
five hours batting from England and already they're nought for nought. Cowdrey
is not out nought. Naughton is not in. Knott is in and is nought for not out.
Naughton of Northants got a nasty knock on the nut in the nets last night but
it's nothing of note. Next in is Nat Newton of Notts. Not Nutring - Nutting's at
nine, er, Nutring knocked neatie nighty knock knock...(another commentator
nudges him) ... anyway England have played extremely well for nothing, not a
sausage, in reply to Iceland's first innings total of 722 for 2 declared, scored
yesterday disappointingly fast in only twenty-one overs with lots of wild
slogging and boundaries and all sorts of rubbishy things. But the main thing is
that England have made an absolutely outstanding start so far, Peter?
Peter: (G.C.) Splendid. Just listen
to those thighs. And now it's the North East's turn with the Samba. Brian.
(he has an enormous nose) Rather. (opens book) I'm reminded of the story of Gubby Allen in '32. ..
Jim: Oh, shut up or we'll close the
bar. And now Bo Wildeburg is running up to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs up, he bowls
Cut to fast bowler. He bowls the ball
but the batsman makes no move whatsoever. The ball passes the off stump.
Jim: ... and no shot at all.
Extremely well not played there.
Peter: Yes, beautifully not done
Brian: A superb shot of no kind
whatsoever. I well remember Plum Warner leaving a very similar ball alone in
Jim: Oh shut up, long nose.
Peter falls off his chair.
And now it's Bo Wildeburg running in
again to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs in. (bowler bowls us before; ball goes by as
before) He bowls to Cowdrey - and no shot at all, a superb display of inertia
there... And that's the end of the over, and drinks.
Peter: Gin and tonic please.
Jim: No, no the players are having
drinks. And now, what's happening? I think Cowdrey's being taken off. (Two men
in white coats, a la furniture removers, carry the batsman off. Two men pass them with a green Chesterfield sofa
making for the wicket.) Yes, Cowdrey is being carried off. Well I never. Now
who's in next, it should be number three, Natt Newton of Notts... get your hand
off my thigh, West... no I don't think it is... I think it's er, it's the sofa
... no it's the Chesterfield! The green Chesterfield is coming in at number
three to take guard now.
Brian: I well remember a similar
divan being brought on at Headingley in 9 BC against the darkies.
Jim: Oh, shut up, elephant snout. And
now the green Chesterfield has taken guard and Iceland are putting on their spin
dryer to bowl.
We see lots of furniture playing cricket. The whole pitch
is laid out with bits of furniture in correct positions. Three chairs in the
slips; easy chair keeping wicket; bidet at mid on; TV set at cover; bookcase at
mid off; roll-top writing desk at square leg; radiator at mid wicket etc. The
spin dryer moves forward and bowls a real ball with its nozzle to a table,
which is at the batting end with cricket pads on. It hits the table on the pad.
Jim: The spin dryer moves back to his
mark, it runs out to the wicket, bowls to the table... a little bit short but
it's coming in a bit there and it's hit him on the pad... and the table is out,
leg before wicket. That is England nought for one.
Different Voice Over: And now we
leave Lords and go over to Epsom for the three o'clock.
Cut to a race course. Furniture comes
into shot racing the last fifty yards to the finishing post.
Commentator: (E.I.) Well here at Epsom we take up the running with fifty yards of this mile and a half race to go and it's the wash basin in the lead from WC Pedestal. Tucked in nicely there is the sofa going very well with Joanna Southcott's box making a good run from hat stand on the rails, and the standard lamp is failing fast but it's wash basin definitely taking up the running now being strongly pressed by ... At the post it's the wash basin from WC then sofa, hat stand, standard lamp and lastly Joanna Southcott's box