THERE'S BEEN A MURDER/ EUROPOLICE SONG CONTEST
Cut to picture of a shin.
Voice Over: (J.C.)
Number twenty-three. The
shin.
Cut to Reginald Maudling.
Voice Over: Number twenty-four.
Reginald's Maudling’s shin
Cut to Gilliam-type open-head
picture, with arrow superimposed.
Voice Over: Number twenty-five. The
brain.
Cut to picture of Margaret Thatcher.
Arrow points to her knee.
Voice Over: Number twenty-six.
Margaret Thatcher's brain.
Cut to a fairly wide still picture of
cricket match in progress. Batsman, bowler, ring of fielders all have
polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. Little arrows point to each pair of Bermuda shorts.
Voice Over: Number twenty-seven. More
naughty bits.
Cut to picture of the cabinet at a
table. Arrows point down below the table to their naughty bits.
Voice Over: Number twenty-eight. The
naughty bits of the cabinet.
Cut to studio shot of the next set.
Interior of country house. Superimposed arrow.
Voice Over: Number twenty-nine. The
interior of a country house.
Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and
son.
Doctor: (J.C.)
That's not a part of the
body.
Mother: (C.C.)
No, it's a link though.
Son: (G.C.)
I didn't think it was very good.
Doctor: No, it's the end of the
series; they must be running out of ideas.
Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts
through the door.
Muffin: (M.P.)
All right, don't anybody
move, there's been a murder.
Mother: A murder?
Muffin: No... no ... not a murder...
no what's like a murder but begins with B?
Son: Birmingham.
Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ...
no...
Doctor: Burnley?
Muffin: Burnley - that's right!
Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.
Son: Burglary.
Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man.
Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary.
Doctor: Where?
Muffin: In the back, just below the
rib.
Doctor: No - that's murder.
Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band...
In the bat... Barclays bat.
Son: Barclays Bank?
Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got
away with £23,000.
Son: Any clues?
Muffin: Any what?
Son: Any evidence as to who did it?
Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues,
eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie'
and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man,
and murder is a very serious business.
Doctor: I thought you said it was a
burglary.
Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious
a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary
in which someone gets stabled is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions
with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the
event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh,
sorry, sorry, I was miles away.
Doctor: Ring the police?
Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's
a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over
here slowly, so they don't drop anything.
Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of
tea?
Muffin: Make what you like,
Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.
Mother: I beg your pardon?
Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the
trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch
cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.
Son: Burglary.
Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man.
Sound of police siren and sound of
cars drawing up outside.
Doctor: Who's Boskovitch?
Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian
scientist who is passing information to the Russians.
Son: Classified information?
Muffin: Oh, there he goes again!
'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our
'classified information'!
The door opens and a police sergeant
plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers)
enter.
Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie.
Duckie: (T.J.)
Hello, sir. How are you?
Muffin: I'm fine thanks. How are you?
Duckie: Well, sir, I'm a little bit
moody today, sir.
Muffin: Why's that, Duckie?
Duckie: Because...
Rhythm combo starts up out of vision
and Sergeant Duckie sings.
Superimposed Caption: 'SGT DUCKIE'S
SONG'
Duckie: I'm a little bit sad and
lonely
Now my baby's gone away...
I'm feeling kinda blue
Don't know just what to do
I feel a little sad today.
Chorus of PCs: He's a little bit sad
and lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda blue
He don't know just what to do
He's not feeling so good today.
Duckie: (solo)
When I smile
The sun comes flooding in
But when I'm sad
It goes behind the clouds again.
Chorus: He's a little bit sad and
lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda...
They stop
abruptly and say:
Etcetera, etcetera.
Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie.
Eurovision girl comes in.
Girl: (E.I.)
And that's the final entry. La
dernière entrée. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The
scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in
Chinese) Yes, Monaco is the winner - hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man,
Monaco's won de big prize, bwana ... and now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul
Zatapathique with the winning song once again.
Voice Over: (M.P.)
(hushed tone) And so,
Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings
his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong'.
Zatapathique: (G.C.)
(spoken) Quoi? Quoi?
Tout le monde, quoi? ... mais, le monde ... d'habitude ... mais ... je pense...
Zatapathique and Singers: Bing tiddle
tiddle bang
Bing tiddle fiddle bing
Bing fiddle fiddle tiddle tiddle
Bing fiddle tiddle tiddle BONG!
Credits over. Zatapathique finishes
and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear.
Voice Over: Number thirty-one. The
end.
Caption: 'THE END'
