THERE'S BEEN A MURDER/ EUROPOLICE SONG CONTEST

  

Cut to picture of a shin.

 

Voice Over: (J.C.) Number twenty-three. The shin.

 

Cut to Reginald Maudling.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-four. Reginald's Maudling’s shin

 

Cut to Gilliam-type open-head picture, with arrow superimposed. 

 No. 25: The Brain

Voice Over: Number twenty-five. The brain.

 

Cut to picture of Margaret Thatcher. Arrow points to her knee.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-six. Margaret Thatcher's brain.

 

Cut to a fairly wide still picture of cricket match in progress. Batsman, bowler, ring of fielders all have polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. Little arrows point to each pair of Bermuda shorts.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-seven. More naughty bits.

 

Cut to picture of the cabinet at a table. Arrows point down below the table to their naughty bits.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-eight. The naughty bits of the cabinet.

 

Cut to studio shot of the next set. Interior of country house. Superimposed arrow.

 

Voice Over: Number twenty-nine. The interior of a country house.

 

Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son.

 

Doctor: (J.C.) That's not a part of the body.

 

Mother: (C.C.) No, it's a link though.

 

Son: (G.C.) I didn't think it was very good.

 

Doctor: No, it's the end of the series; they must be running out of ideas.

 

Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.

 

Muffin: (M.P.) All right, don't anybody move, there's been a murder.

 

Mother: A murder?

 

Muffin: No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder but begins with B?

 

Son: Birmingham.

 

Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ... no...

 

Doctor: Burnley?

 

Muffin: Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.

 

Son: Burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary.

 

Doctor: Where?

 

Muffin: In the back, just below the rib.

 

Doctor: No - that's murder.

 

Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band... In the bat... Barclays bat.

 

Son: Barclays Bank?

 

Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got away with £23,000.

 

Son: Any clues?

 

Muffin: Any what?

 

Son: Any evidence as to who did it?

 

Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie' and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business.

 

Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabled is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away.

 

Doctor: Ring the police?

 

Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.

 

Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?

 

Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.

 

Mother: I beg your pardon?

 

Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.

 

Son: Burglary.

 

Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man.

 

Sound of police siren and sound of cars drawing up outside.

 

Doctor: Who's Boskovitch?

 

Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.

 

Son: Classified information?

 

Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'!

 

The door opens and a police sergeant plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.

 

Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie.

 

Duckie: (T.J.) Hello, sir. How are you?

 

Muffin: I'm fine thanks. How are you?

 

Duckie: Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.

 

Muffin: Why's that, Duckie?

 

Duckie: Because...

 

Rhythm combo starts up out of vision and Sergeant Duckie sings.

 

Superimposed Caption: 'SGT DUCKIE'S SONG'

 

Duckie: I'm a little bit sad and lonely

Now my baby's gone away...

I'm feeling kinda blue

Don't know just what to do

I feel a little sad today.

 

Chorus of PCs: He's a little bit sad and lonely

Now his baby's gone away

He's feeling kinda blue

He don't know just what to do

He's not feeling so good today.

 

Duckie: (solo)

When I smile

The sun comes flooding in

But when I'm sad

It goes behind the clouds again.

 

Chorus: He's a little bit sad and lonely

Now his baby's gone away

He's feeling kinda...

 

They stop abruptly and say:

 

Etcetera, etcetera. (applause

 

Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie.

 

Eurovision girl comes in.

 

Girl: (E.I.) And that's the final entry. La dernière entrée. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in Chinese) Yes, Monaco is the winner - hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man, Monaco's won de big prize, bwana ... and now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.

 

The accompaniment starts as the singers hum the intro. Cut to flashy Eurovision set. Zatapathique steps on to podium.

 

Voice Over: (M.P.) (hushed tone) And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong'.

 Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique

Zatapathique: (G.C.) (spoken) Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi? ... mais, le monde ... d'habitude ... mais ... je pense...

 

Zatapathique and Singers: Bing tiddle tiddle bang

Bing tiddle fiddle bing

Bing fiddle fiddle tiddle tiddle

Bing fiddle tiddle tiddle BONG!

 

Credits over. Zatapathique finishes and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear.

 

Voice Over: Number thirty-one. The end.

 

Caption: 'THE END'

   

   

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