MR. ATTILA THE HUN

This sketch follows on from the "Probe Around on Crime" sketch

Cut to newspaper picture of police dancing round Stonehenge which is being read by a chief constable in his office.

Chief Constable: (T.J.) Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.

Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim-fitting ladies evening gown, diamante handbag and helmet.

Sergeant: (G.C.) I know, sir. 

Intercom buzzer goes on desk.

Chief Constable: (depressing knob) Yes, Beryl?

Beryl: (male voce) Attila the Hun to see you, sir.

Chief Constable: Who?

Beryl: Attila the Hun, sir.

Chief Constable: Oh botherkins! Er, constable, go and see to him will you?

Sergeant: What! In this dress?

Chief Constable: Oh all right, I'll go.

Sergeant: Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wear...

Chief Constable: No, no, no, I'll go. You stay here.

Sergeant: Oh goody! I can get on with the ironing.

The chief constable walks through the door into the reception area of the police station. There is a policeman behind the counter and a little insignificant man is standing waiting.

Chief Constable: (to policeman) Right where is he?

Beryl: (J.C.) Over there, sir.

Chief Constable: Right, er, all right sergeant leave this to me. Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun.

Attila the Hun: (M.P.) That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.

Chief Constable: Yes well, Mr Hun ...

Attila: Oh! Call me 'The', for heaven's sake!

Chief Constable: Oh well, The... what do you want to see us about?

Attila: I've come to give myself up.

Chief Constable: What for?

Attila: Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.

Chief Constable: I beg your pardon?

Attila: Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city, and I'd like nine thousand other charges to be taken into consideration, please.

Chief Constable: I say, excuse me, Mr Hun. (he takes his hat off, removes his moustache, puts it in the hat and puts the hat back on) Have you any objection to taking a breath test?

Attila: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Chief Constable: Right, er, sergeant will you bring the Hunalyser, please?

The constable produces a breathalyser. 

Beryl:  Here we are, sir. 

Hands it to the chief constable. 

Chief Constable:  Er, how's it work? 

Beryl:  Well he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green. Then he is Attila the Hun, sir. 

Chief Constable:  I see. Right. Would you mind breathing into this Mr Hun? 

Attila:  Right. (blows into bag) 

Chief Constable:  What if nothing happens, sergeant? 

Beryl:  He's Alexander the Great! 

Chief Constable:  Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr A. T. Great! 

Attila:  (who is now Alexander the Great) Oh curses! Curses! I thought I was safe, disguised as Attila the Hun. 

Chief Constable:  Oh perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake... you see, this wasn't a Hunalyser... it was an Alexander the Greatalyser Take him away, Beryl! 

Cut to letter

First Voice Over:  Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next letter. 

Cut to second letter. 

Second Voice Over:  Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter, before my drift has become apparent. I spent many years in India during the last war and am now a part-time notice board in a prominent public school. Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue (deceased). PS Aghhh! 

Cut to third letter. 

Third Voice Over:  Dear Sir, When I was at school, I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes, and it never did me any harm - except for psychological maladjusunent and blurred vision. Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein (Mrs).