ARTHUR 'TWO SHEDS' JACKSON INTERVIEW
Cut to Announcer, as in the Sir Edward Ross interview sketch.
Announcer (E.I): Sir Edward...Ross. Now, later in the program we will be bringing you a unique event in the world of modern art. Pablo Picasso will be doing a special painting for us, on this program, live, on a bicycle. But right now it's time to look at a man whose meteoric rise to fame...
A pig squeals. Interviewer leaps up, grabs a revolver from his desk drawer and fires off-screen.
Caption: 'PIGS 3, NELSON 1'
Third Interviewer and Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Musical score on a secreen behind them..
Host (E.I): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.
Jackson (T.J.): Good evening.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. Mr. Jackson, this, what shall I call it, nickname of yours.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: 'Two sheds'. How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, it's just a few of my friends call me 'Two Sheds'.
Host: I see, and do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson: No. No, I've only one shed. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another one, and since then some people have called me 'Two Sheds'.
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Host: I see, and are you thinking of purchasing a second shed?
Host: To bring you in line with your epithet?
Host: I see, I see. Well let's return to your symphony. Ah, now then, did you write this symphony...in the shed?
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson: No it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
A picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them.
Host: I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in.
Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn't really matter at all, the sheds aren't important. It's just a few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about my music. I'm a composer. People always ask me about the sheds, they've got it out of proportion, I'm fed up with the shed, I wish I'd never got it in the first place.
Host: I expect you are probably thinking of selling one.
Jackson: I will sell one.
Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson?
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
Host: Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to talk about your symphony.
Host: Apparently your symphony was written for organ and timpani.
Jackson: (catches sight of the picture of the shed behind him) What's that?
Host: What's what?
Jackson: It's a shed. Get it off.
He points to the screen shed. The picture of the shed disappears and is replaced by a picture of Jackson. Jackson looks at it carefully.
Host: Now then Mr. Jackson...your symphony.
Caption: 'ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS" JACKSON'
Cut back to studio: the picture of him is replaced by a picture of two sheds, one with a question mark over it.
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were extremely interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: What's that got to do with my bloody music?
Enter Interviewer from Edward Ross sketch
Other Host (J.C.): Are you having any trouble from him?
Host: Yes, a little.
Other Host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, 'Two Sheds'.
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, 'Two Sheds'. This studio isn't big enough for the three of us!
They push him away and propel him out.
Jackson: What are you doing? (he is pushed out of vision with a crash)
Other Host: Get your own Arts program, you fairy!
Host: (to camera) Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson.
Cut to Announcer. He is about to speak when:
Host: (off-screen) Never mind, Timmy.
Other Host: (off-screen) Oh, Michael, you are such a comfort.
Announcer: Arthur 'Two Sheds'...
Cut to a man in Viking helmet at desk.