HOW TO RECOGNISE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE BODY/ BRUCES

The camera tracks past five gorgeous lovelies in bikini, all in send-up provocative pin-up poses. The sixth in the pan is the announcer at his desk also posing in a bikini (with bikini top).

Announcer: (J.C.) And now for something completely different.

Cut to 'It's' man, also in bikini.

It's Man: (M.P.) It's...

Cut to credit titles as normal, except that the last shot is the little chicken man who drags across a banner reading 'How to recognize different parts of the body'.

Voice Over: How to recognize different parts of the body.

Hold long enough to read this new title before the foot comes down, stays in shot long enough for Voice Over to say:

Voice Over: Number one. The foot.

A little arrow points to the foot simultaneously. Cut to picture of Venus de Milo (top half). Superimposed little white arrow pointing to shoulder.

Voice Over: Number two. The shoulder.

Cut to picture of a foot cut off at the ankle. Cigarettes are parked in the top Superimposed arrow.

Voice Over: And number three. The other foot.

Cut to profile picture of strange person (provided by Terry Gilliam) Superimposed arrow pointing to bridge of nose.

Voice Over: Number four. The bridge of the nose.

Cut to picture, full length, of man wearing polka-dotted Bermuda shorts. Arrow superimposed points to shorts.

Voice Over: Number five. The naughty bits.

Cut to picture of crooked elbow. Superimposed arrow pointing just above the elbow.

Voice Over: Number six. Just above the elbow.

Cut to closer picture of different person in identical Bermuda shorts. Superimposed arrow pointing to top of groin.

Voice Over: Number seven. Two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.

Cut to close-up of a real knee. Arrow superimposed painting to knee.

Voice Over: Number eight. The kneecap.

Pull back to reveal the knee belongs to First Bruce, an Australian in full Australian outback gear. We briefly hear a record of 'Waltzing Matilda'. He is sitting in a very hot, slightly dusty room with low wicker chairs, a table in the middle, big centre fan, and old fridge.


Second Bruce: (G.C.)  G'day, Bruce!Bruces 1

First Bruce: (E.I.) Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: (M.P.) How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

Enter fourth Bruce with an English person, MichaelBruces 2

Fourth Bruce: (J.C.) 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommieland who is joinin' us this year in the Philosophy Department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: (T.J.) Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce. Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce. Michael Baldwin - this is Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce, then?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce snaps a plastic dog-collar round his neck. They all lower their heads.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech thee, have mercy on our faculty, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack the tubes, right! (Third Bruce starts opening beer cans) Er, Bruce, I now call upon you to welcome Mr. Baldwin to the Philosophy Department.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommie bastard to God's own earth, and I'd like to remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Hegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: In addition, as he's going to be teaching politics, I've told him he's welcome to teach any of the great socialist thinkers, provided he makes it clear that they were wrong.

Everybruce: (standing up) Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!Bruces 3

They sit down

Fourth Bruce: Any questions?

Second Bruce: New Bruce, are you a Pooftah?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Pooftah?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Pooftahs!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

(NB: The Album versions continue with The Philosopher's Song. The TV version continues below....)

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

An Aborigine comes in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.

Fourth Bruce: OK.

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points)

Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up. The superimposed arrow pointing to the ear.

Voice Over: Number nine. The ear.

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