MOTOR INSURANCE SKETCH

 

Caption: AN APOLOGY

  

Announcer: (J.C.) (voice over) The BBC would like to apologize for the following announcement.

 

Pull out from caption to reveal that it is not a caption after all but a huge twenty-foot-square poster on a hoarding on the side of the road. A group of Gumbies shuffle into extreme left edge of frame.

 

Gumbies: Oh! And the next item is called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. (pointing in lots of different directions) 'Insurance Sketch'...

 

Cut to Mr Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.

 

Devious: (M.P.) What do you want?

   

Man: (G.C.) Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer... 

 

Superimposed caption: 'STRAIGHT MAN'  

 

Devious: What was that?

 

Man: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eight pence.

 

Devious: Oh, oh, yes...yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be commercially viable, so we now have a totally new offer...

 

Man: What's that?

 

Devious: A nude lady.

 

Man: A nude lady?

 

Devious: Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...

 

Man: No, no, I don't really want that, Mr er...Mr...

 

Devious: Devious.

 

Man: Mr Devious. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin.

 

Devious: Aston Martin?

 

Man: Yes.

 

Devious: (quickly) Five hundred quid.

 

Man: Five hundred quid?

 

Devious: Forty quid.

 

Man: Forty quid?

 

Devious: Forty quid and a nude lady.

 

Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.

 

Devious: Dirty books?

 

Man: No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. (superimposed 'STRAIGHT MAN' caption again) I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price?

 

Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.

 

Vicar: (E.I.) Knock knock.

 

Cut to inside office.

 

Devious: Who's there?

 

Cut to outside. 

 

Vicar: The Reverend...

 

Cut to inside.

 

Devious: The Reverend who?

 

Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.

 

Caption: 'ANOTHER STRAIGHT MAN'

 

Cut to inside.

 

Devious: Oh, come in.

 

The vicar enters.

 

Devious: Now then, vic. What's the trouble?

 

Vicar: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.

 

Man: Excuse me, do I have any more lines?

 

Devious: I don't know, mush, I'll have to look in the script...(he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man?

 

Man: Yeah.

 

Devious: No...no, you're finished.

 

Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)

 

Devious: (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.

 

The vicar sits.

 

Vicar: It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.

 

Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not...as yet...totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.

 

Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.

 

Devious: Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.

 

Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.

 

Devious: (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, reverend Morrison...in your policy...in your policy...(he open the drawer of the filing cabinet and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumbled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet)...here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.

 

Vicar: Oh dear.

 

Devious: You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile...but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.

 

Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.

 

Devious: Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?

 

Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)

 

Devious: Look...Rev...I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out the office, there's a good chap.

 

The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley...and wheels her disconsolately away.

  
This sketch continues on to "The Bishop"... 

 

 

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