Announcer: (J.C.) (voice over) The BBC would like to apologize for the following announcement.


Pull out from caption to reveal that it is not a caption after all but a huge twenty-foot-square poster on a hoarding on the side of the road. A group of Gumbies shuffle into extreme left edge of frame.


Gumbies: Oh! And the next item is called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. (pointing in lots of different directions) 'Insurance Sketch'...


Cut to Mr Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.


Devious: (M.P.) What do you want?


Man: (G.C.) Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer... 


Superimposed caption: 'STRAIGHT MAN'  


Devious: What was that?


Man: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eight pence.


Devious: Oh, oh, yes...yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be commercially viable, so we now have a totally new offer...


Man: What's that?


Devious: A nude lady.


Man: A nude lady?


Devious: Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...


Man: No, no, I don't really want that, Mr er...Mr...


Devious: Devious.


Man: Mr Devious. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin.


Devious: Aston Martin?


Man: Yes.


Devious: (quickly) Five hundred quid.


Man: Five hundred quid?


Devious: Forty quid.


Man: Forty quid?


Devious: Forty quid and a nude lady.


Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.


Devious: Dirty books?


Man: No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. (superimposed 'STRAIGHT MAN' caption again) I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price?


Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.


Vicar: (E.I.) Knock knock.


Cut to inside office.


Devious: Who's there?


Cut to outside. 


Vicar: The Reverend...


Cut to inside.


Devious: The Reverend who?


Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.




Cut to inside.


Devious: Oh, come in.


The vicar enters.


Devious: Now then, vic. What's the trouble?


Vicar: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.


Man: Excuse me, do I have any more lines?


Devious: I don't know, mush, I'll have to look in the script...(he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man?


Man: Yeah.


Devious:, you're finished.


Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)


Devious: (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.


The vicar sits.


Vicar: It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.


Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're yet...totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.


Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.


Devious: Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.


Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.


Devious: (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, reverend your your policy...(he open the drawer of the filing cabinet and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumbled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet) we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.


Vicar: Oh dear.


Devious: You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile...but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.


Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.


Devious: Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?


Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)


Devious: Look...Rev...I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out the office, there's a good chap.


The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley...and wheels her disconsolately away.

This sketch continues on to "The Bishop"... 



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