MOTOR INSURANCE SKETCH
Caption: AN APOLOGY
Announcer: (J.C.)
(voice over) The BBC would like to apologize for the following announcement.
Pull out from
caption to reveal that it is not a caption after all but a huge
twenty-foot-square poster on a hoarding on the side of the road. A group of
Gumbies shuffle into extreme left edge of frame.
Gumbies: Oh!
And the next item is called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. (pointing in
lots of different directions) 'Insurance Sketch'...
Cut to Mr
Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.
Devious: (M.P.)
What do
you want?
Man: (G.C.) Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...
Devious: What was
that?
Man: Fully
comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eight pence.
Devious: Oh, oh,
yes...yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it
turned out not to be commercially viable, so we now have a totally new offer...
Man: What's that?
Devious: A nude
lady.
Man: A nude lady?
Devious: Yes. You
get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want
third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...
Man: No, no, I
don't really want that, Mr er...Mr...
Devious: Devious.
Man: Mr Devious. I
just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance
on a 1970 Aston Martin.
Devious: Aston
Martin?
Man: Yes.
Devious: (quickly)
Five hundred quid.
Man: Five hundred
quid?
Devious: Forty
quid.
Man: Forty quid?
Devious: Forty quid
and a nude lady.
Man: No, no, I'm
not interested in a nude lady.
Devious: Dirty
books?
Man: No, no, look,
I'm not interested in any of that. (superimposed 'STRAIGHT MAN' caption
again) I
just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance
on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price?
Cut to outside the
door of the office. A vicar stands there.
Vicar: (E.I.)
Knock knock.
Cut to inside
office.
Devious: Who's
there?
Cut to outside.
Vicar: The
Reverend...
Cut to inside.
Devious: The
Reverend who?
Vicar: The Reverend
Morrison.
Caption: 'ANOTHER
STRAIGHT MAN'
Cut to inside.
Devious: Oh, come
in.
The vicar enters.
Devious: Now then,
vic. What's the trouble?
Vicar: Well, it's
about this letter you sent me.
Man: Excuse me, do
I have any more lines?
Devious: I don't
know, mush, I'll have to look in the script...(he gets script out of drawer)
Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man?
Man: Yeah.
Devious: No...no,
you're finished.
Man: Well, I'll be
off then. (he leaves)
Devious: (reading
script) 'The vicar sits'.
The vicar sits.
Vicar: It's about
this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.
Devious: Oh, yeah,
yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not...as yet...totally satisfied with
the grounds of your claim.
Vicar: But it says
something about filling my mouth in with cement.
Devious: Oh well,
that's just insurance jargon, you know.
Vicar: But my car
was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
Devious: (rising
and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, reverend Morrison...in your
policy...in your policy...(he open the drawer of the filing cabinet and takes
out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumbled
dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the filing cabinet)...here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be
paid.
Vicar: Oh dear.
Devious: You see,
you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you
never claim is very worthwhile...but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.
Vicar: Oh dear, oh
dear.
Devious: Still,
never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?
Vicar: Oh, she's
fine. (he begins to sob)
Devious: Look...Rev...I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out the office, there's a good chap.
The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley...and wheels her disconsolately away.
This sketch continues
on to "The Bishop"...