THE BISHOP
The inside of the office from the
Motor Insurance sketch. Close-up of Devious.
He gets out some files and starts writing. Suddenly a bishop's crook slams down
on the desk in front of Devious. He looks up - his eyes register terror. Cut to
reverse angle shot from below. The bishop in full mitre and robes.
Bishop: (T.J.)
OK, Devious...Don't move!
Devious: (M.P.)
The bishop!
Animated crime-series-type titles,
with suitable music:
'C. OF E. FILMS'
'IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE SUNDAY
SCHOOLS BOARD'
'PRESENT'
'THE BISHOP'
'STARRING THE REVEREND E. P. NESBITT'
'AND INTRODUCING F. B. GRIMSBY
URQHART-WRIGHT AS THE VOICE OF GOD'
'SPECIAL EFFECTS BY THE MODERATOR OF
THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND'
'DIRECTED BY PREBENDARY
"CHOPPER" HARRIS'
Exterior beautiful English church.
Birds singing, a hymn being sung. Suddenly, sound of a high-powered car roaring
towards the church. Screech of tires as a huge open-top American car screeches
to a halt outside the church. The bishop leaps out. Behind him (as throughout
the film) are his four henchmen... vicars with dark glasses. They wear clerical
suits and dog collars. They leap out of their car and race up the drive towards
the church. As they do so the hymn is heard to come to an end. Sound of people
sitting down.
Cut to interior of church. Vicar
climbing up into pulpit. Cut back to exterior. The bishop and his vicars racing
through the doors. Interior of church. Shot of vicar in pulpit.
Vicar 1: (G.C.)
I take as my text for
today...
Cut to bishop and vicars at doorway.
Bishop: The text, vic! Don't say the
text!
Cut back to vicar.
Vicar 1: Leviticus 3-14. . .
The pulpit explodes. Vicar disappears
in smoke, flying up into the air. Cut to close-up of the bishop. Behind him
there is smoke and people rushing about. Sound of people scrambling over pews in
panic etc.
Bishop: We was too late. The Reverend
Grundy bit the ceiling.
The end of the bishop's crook
suddenly starts flashing. He lifts the flashing end off and it stops. Using it
like a telephone receiver, he speaks into the staff.
Bishop: Hello? ... What?... We'll be
right over!
Still of another church exterior.
Crash zoom in on door. Cut to interior. A baptism party round the font. An
innocent vicar is just testing the water. Pan across to the parents and two godmothers,
all obviously shifty gangster types in drag. As the vicar takes the baby it starts to tick loudly.
Vicar 2: (J.C.)
And it is for this reason
that the Christian Church lays upon you, the godparents, the obligation of
seeing this child is brought up in the Christian faith. Therefore, I name this
child...
Cut to door of church. The bishop and
vicars rush in. 
Bishop: Don't say the kid's name, vic!
Cut back to vicar.
Vicar 2: Francesco Luigi...
Explosion. Cut to close-up of bishop.
Smoke and panic as before.
Bishop: We was too late... The Rev.
Neuk saw the light.
Whip pan to interior of yet another
church. A wedding. Bride and groom kneeling in front of a vicar. Cut to door of
church. The bishop and vicars burst in.
Bishop: The ring, vic Don't touch the
ring! Hey vic!
Cut back to the wedding party. A sixteen-ton weight falls
on top of the vicar with a mighty crunch - the camera shakes as it hits the floor.
Cut to two bell ringers. One pulls
his rope, and the other rises off the floor, hanged by the neck. The bishop
bursts in.
Bishop: Hey vic...
Then leaves, disappointed.
Cut to another vicar at graveside.
Vicar 3: (G.C.)
... dust to dust, ashes to
ashes.
He sprinkles dust on the grave. A
huge prop cannon rises up out of the grave until its mighty barrel (twelve
inches wide) is pointing right in the vicar's face. He does not notice. We pan away from grave to
churchyard gate. Sound of an almighty blast from the cannon off-screen. The
bishop's car drives up and screeches to a halt. They stand up, then immediately
straight back down. The car quickly reverses away again.
Cut to a street. Outside a cigarette
shop the four clerics lounge against a wall. The bishop walks out rolling his
own. Suddenly he stops. Close-up. He looks up as he hears a faint cry. Camera
swings round and up - enormous zoom to high window in huge, drab city office
block, where a vicar is looking out.
Vicar 4: (E.I.)
Help ... help... help...
help... help... help...
Cut back to the bishop breaking into
a run, throwing his cigarette into the gutter. Peter Gunn music. Hand-held shots
of the bishop and the four vicars running through crowded streets. He reaches
the office block, rushes in. Interior: a stair well. Right at the bottom we see
the bishop and the vicars. Close-up hand-held shot of bishop running up stairs.
Shadows running up the stair well. The bishop arrives on the top landing. Door
of office. The bishop tries the door. It won't open. One vicar goes rigid. The
other three take hold of him and use him as a battering ram and go straight
through the balsa wood door first time.
Bishop: OK, Devious, don't move!
Devious: The bishop!
'The Bishop' titles again.
Cut to interior of cinema. A couple
holding hands. Bishop film titles start up again exactly as before. After a
couple of seconds of titles we cut to an old couple sitting in the back row of
the cinema facing camera. The sound of the bishop's titles continues. The light
from the projector is streaming out above their heads.
Mr Potter: This is where we came in.
Mrs Potter: Yes.
