CHEMIST SKETCH/ WORDS NOT TO BE USED AGAIN/ AFTERSHAVE/ VOX POPS ON AFTERSHAVE
Cut to the five Gumbies standing in a
tight group.
Gumbies: Thank you. And now a sketch
about a chemist called 'The Chemist Sketch'.
A number of men and women are sitting
around in an area by the counter where there is a large sign saying 'Dispensing
Department'. A cheerful chemist appears at the counter.
Chemist: (J.C.)
Right. I've got some of your
prescriptions here. Er, who's got the pox? (nobody reacts) ... Come on, who's
got the pox ... come on... (a man timidly puts his hand up) . .. there you go.
(throws bottle to the man with his hand up) Who's got a boil on the bum... boil
on the botty. (throws bottle to the only man standing up) Who's got the chest
rash? (a woman with a large bosom puts up hand) Have to get a bigger bottle.
Who's got wind? (throws bottle to a man sitting on his own) Catch.
Caption: 'THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN
APOLOGY'
Voice Over: The BBC would like to
apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC
policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees. (laughs off
camera) Ssssh!
Cut to a man standing by a screen
with a clicker.
BBC Man: (M.P.)
These are the words that are
not to be used again on this programme.
He clicks the clicker. On screen
appear the following slides:
B*M
B*TTY
P*X
KN*CKERS
KN*CKERS
W**-W**
SEMPRINI
A girl comes into shot.
Girl: Semprini!?
BBC Man: (pointing) Out!
Cut back to the chemist's shop. The
chemist appears again.
Chemist: Right, who's got a boil on
his Semprini, then?
A policeman appears and bundles him
off.
Cut to another chemist's shop with a
different chemist standing at the counter.
Superimposed Caption: 'A LESS NAUGHTY
CHEMIST'S'
A man walks in. He has an obvious
false moustache.
Man: (E.I.)
Good morning.
Chemist: (T.J.)
Good morning, sir.
Man: Good morning. I'd like some
aftershave, please.
Chemist: Ah, certainly. Walk this
way, please.
Man: If I could walk that way I
wouldn't need aftershave.
The policeman runs into the shop and
hauls the man off. Cut to shop again.
Caption: 'A NOT AT ALL NAUGHTY
CHEMIST'S'
Another chemist is standing with a large sign reading 'A Not At All Naughty Chemist'. Pull back to reveal sign above stock reads 'Not At All Naughty Chemists Ltd'. A man enters - it's the same man as previous but without the moustache.
Man: (also
E.I.) Good morning.
Chemist:
(M.P.) (puts down sign) Good
morning, sir. Can I help you?
Man: Yes. I'd like some aftershave.
Chemist: Ah. A toilet
requisite-t-t-t-t-t... Would you like to try this, sir. It's our very very
latest, it's called Sea Mist.
Man: (sniffs it) I quite like it.
Chemist: How about something a little
more musky? This one's called Mimmo.
Man: Not really, no. Have you
anything a little more fishier?
Chemist: Fishier?
Man: Fishier.
Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy
requisite-t-t-t-t-t...
Man: Like halibut or sea bass.
Chemist: Or bream?
Man: Yes.
Chemist: No, we haven't got any of
that... ah, I've got mackerel... or cod... or hake...
Man: You haven't got anything a
little more halibutish?
Chemist: Er... parrot? What's that
doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds,
very unusual.
Man: I really had my heart set on
halibut.
Chemist: Well, sir, we had a fishy
consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I
can come up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was halibut...
or... ?
Man: Sea bass.
Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment.
The
man waits for a few seconds, starts becoming uncomfortable, looks at watch,
hums.
Man: (to camera) Sorry about this...
pom pom pom... Normally we try to avoid these little ... pauses ... longeurs...
only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 'Course, there isn't
really a basement but he just goes off and we pretend... Actually what happens
is he goes off there, off camera, and just waits there so it looks as though
he's gone down ... to the basement. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it.
Ah!
Long shot of the chemist with carton
waiting off camera. Floor manager cues him and he walks to counter.
Chemist: Well, sorry, sir. (out of
breath) Lot of steps. (man winks at camera) Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in
this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington branch. I'll just
nip down there and get it for you.
Man: How long will that be?
Chemist: Twenty minutes.
Man: Twenty minutes!
As he stands getting embarrassed, a
girl hastily dressed as an assistant approaches him and hands him a message on a
long stick.
Man: (woodenly) Oh... I wonder what other people
use for aftershave lotion?
First Gumby: (M.P.)
I use a body rub called
Halitosis to make my breath seem sweet.
Second Gumby: (J.C.)
I use an aftershave
called Semprini.
He is bundled off by policeman.
Chemist: (hurrying past) I'm sorry,
sorry - can't stop now, I've got to get to Kensington.
Cardinal Ximinez: (M.P.)
I use two kinds of
aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions,
Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense,
....
Conservative Politician: (G.C.)
I have a
cold shower every morning just before I go mad, and then I go mad 1, mad 2, mad
3, mad, 4...
Shabby: (M.P.)
I use Rancid Polecat number
two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.
Chemist: (hurrying past) Sorry again.
Can't stop - got to get back.
Cut back to chemist's where the man
is at a clock on wall pushing minute hand round twenty minutes.
Superimposed Caption: '20 MINS LATER'
He looks at the camera guiltily and
returns to right side of counter. The chemist enters.
Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't
have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.
Man: Where's that?
Chemist: Aberdeen.
Man: Aberdeen?
Chemist: It's all right. Wait here
... I've got a car.
Man: No, no, no. I'll take the other,
the crab, tiger and...
Chemist: Almond requisite... t...
t... ?
Man: I'll take it.
This sketch continues on to Police Constable Pan-Am sketch.
