CHEMIST SKETCH/ WORDS NOT TO BE USED AGAIN/ AFTERSHAVE/ VOX POPS ON AFTERSHAVE

 

Cut to the five Gumbies standing in a tight group. 

 

Gumbies: Thank you. And now a sketch about a chemist called 'The Chemist Sketch'.

  

A number of men and women are sitting around in an area by the counter where there is a large sign saying 'Dispensing Department'. A cheerful chemist appears at the counter.

 

Chemist: (J.C.) Right. I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er, who's got the pox? (nobody reacts) ... Come on, who's got the pox ... come on... (a man timidly puts his hand up) . .. there you go. (throws bottle to the man with his hand up) Who's got a boil on the bum... boil on the botty. (throws bottle to the only man standing up) Who's got the chest rash? (a woman with a large bosom puts up hand) Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got wind? (throws bottle to a man sitting on his own) Catch.

 

Caption: 'THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY'

 

Voice Over: The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, knickers, botty or wee-wees. (laughs off camera) Ssssh!

 

Cut to a man standing by a screen with a clicker. 

 

BBC Man: (M.P.) These are the words that are not to be used again on this programme.

 

He clicks the clicker. On screen appear the following slides: Words not to be used again

B*M

B*TTY

P*X

KN*CKERS  

KN*CKERS

W**-W**

SEMPRINI

 

A girl comes into shot.

 

Girl: Semprini!?

 

BBC Man: (pointing) Out!

 

Cut back to the chemist's shop. The chemist appears again.

 

Chemist: Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then?

 

A policeman appears and bundles him off.

 

Cut to another chemist's shop with a different chemist standing at the counter. He is wearing a sign saying 'A Less Naughty Chemist'. 

Superimposed Caption: 'A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S'

 

A man walks in. He has an obvious false moustache.

 

Man: (E.I.) Good morning.

 

Chemist: (T.J.) Good morning, sir.

 

Man: Good morning. I'd like some aftershave, please.

 

Chemist: Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.

 

Man: If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.

 

The policeman runs into the shop and hauls the man off. Cut to shop again.

 

Caption: 'A NOT AT ALL NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S'

 

Another chemist is standing with a large sign reading 'A Not At All Naughty Chemist'. Pull back to reveal sign above stock reads 'Not At All Naughty Chemists Ltd'. A man enters - it's the same man as previous but without the moustache.

 

Man: (also E.I.) Good morning.

 

Chemist: (M.P.) (puts down sign) Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

 

Man: Yes. I'd like some aftershave.

 

Chemist: Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t... Would you like to try this, sir. It's our very very latest, it's called Sea Mist.

 

Man: (sniffs it) I quite like it.

 

Chemist: How about something a little more musky? This one's called Mimmo.

 

Man: Not really, no. Have you anything a little more fishier?

 

Chemist: Fishier?

 

Man: Fishier.

 

Chemist: Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t...

 

Man: Like halibut or sea bass.

 

Chemist: Or bream?

 

Man: Yes.

 

Chemist: No, we haven't got any of that... ah, I've got mackerel... or cod... or hake...

 

Man: You haven't got anything a little more halibutish?

 

Chemist: Er... parrot? What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.

 

Man: I really had my heart set on halibut.

 

Chemist: Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come up trumps on this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. So it was halibut... or... ?

 

Man: Sea bass.  

 

Chemist: Sea bass. Won't be a moment.

 

The man waits for a few seconds, starts becoming uncomfortable, looks at watch, hums.

 

Man: (to camera) Sorry about this... pom pom pom... Normally we try to avoid these little ... pauses ... longeurs... only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 'Course, there isn't really a basement but he just goes off and we pretend... Actually what happens is he goes off there, off camera, and just waits there so it looks as though he's gone down ... to the basement. Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah!

 

Long shot of the chemist with carton waiting off camera. Floor manager cues him and he walks to counter.

 

Chemist: Well, sorry, sir. (out of breath) Lot of steps. (man winks at camera) Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington branch. I'll just nip down there and get it for you.

 

Man: How long will that be?

 

Chemist: Twenty minutes.

 

Man: Twenty minutes!

 

As he stands getting embarrassed, a girl hastily dressed as an assistant approaches him and hands him a message on a long stick.

 

Man: (woodenly) Oh... I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion?

 

Cut to vox pops film. 

 

First Gumby: (M.P.) I use a body rub called Halitosis to make my breath seem sweet.

 

Second Gumby: (J.C.) I use an aftershave called Semprini.

 

He is bundled off by policeman.

 

Chemist: (hurrying past) I'm sorry, sorry - can't stop now, I've got to get to Kensington.

 

Cardinal Ximinez: (M.P.) I use two kinds of aftershave lotions - Frankincense, Myrrh - three kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood - four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, ....

 

Conservative Politician: (G.C.) I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad, and then I go mad 1, mad 2, mad 3, mad, 4...

 

Shabby: (M.P.) I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.

 

Chemist: (hurrying past) Sorry again. Can't stop - got to get back.

 

Cut back to chemist's where the man is at a clock on wall pushing minute hand round twenty minutes.

 

Superimposed Caption: '20 MINS LATER'

 

He looks at the camera guiltily and returns to right side of counter. The chemist enters.

 

Chemist: Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.

 

Man: Where's that?

 

Chemist: Aberdeen.

 

Man: Aberdeen?

 

Chemist: It's all right. Wait here ... I've got a car.

 

Man: No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger and...

 

Chemist: Almond requisite... t... t... ?

 

Man: I'll take it.

 

This sketch continues on to Police Constable Pan-Am sketch.

 

 

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