POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM
The chemists shop from the previous
sketch with the chemist and customer. A shoplifter enters. There is two men inside a large mac. He has
false arms behind his back a la Duke of Edinburgh. The man watches him. He
strolls to the counter and then two arms come out of coat and grab things from
counter taking them inside the coat. Then these two arms are joined by a third
arm which is black. All these arms steal stuff. The man taps the chemist and
points at shoplifter. Chemist watches and then blows whistle. They wait for a
tick. Then the policeman runs into the shop.
(G.C.) Right. Right! RIGHT! Now
then! Now then! Your turn.
Aren't you going to say
'What's all this then?'?
Policeman: Oh! Right, what's all
Chemist: This man has been
Policeman: Oh, he has? Yus?
Policeman: Are you trying to tell me
Chemist: No, but he's been
Policeman: Look! I must warn you that
anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I'll
put my fist through your teeth. F'tang. F'tang.
But officer, this man here...
Policeman: I've had enough of you.
You're under arrest.
He makes noises of plane flying and
Chemist: Officer, it wasn't him.
(indicates shoplifter) He's the shoplifter.
No I'm not.
Shoplifter's Mate: (sticking his head
out of mac) He's not ... I'm a witness.
Policeman: (to chemist) One more peep
out of you and I'll do you for heresy.
Chemist: Heresy. Blimey. I didn't
expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Policeman: Shut up! F'tang. F'tang.
Oh, that's nice. (he takes an object off the counter and pockets it) Right. I'm
taking you along to the station.
Man: What for?
Policeman: I'm charging you with
illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down there. Right. (makes plane
noise again) Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in (singing) Raindrops keep falling
on my head... but that doesn't mean that my...
Caption: 'AN APOLOGY'
Voice Over: The BBC would like to
apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. He was
not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to
Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not
be construed as having any other significance.
Photo of Buzz Aldrin.
Superimposed caption: 'THE BUZZ
ALDRIN SHOW STARRING BUZZ ALDRIN WITH... (CREDITS)'
Cut to Gumbies as at start of show.
Gumbies: And now for something
completely different. (jump cut to female Gumbies; then back to original shot)
Oh that was fun. And now...
Caption: 'THE END'
Gumbies: The end. The end! The end! The end!