Cut to a court room.

Superimposed caption: 'CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT'


Judge: (G.C.) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?


Foreman: (M.P.) We have m'lud.


Judge: And how do you find the defendant? (the foreman puts his hand out with two fingers extended) Two words. (the foreman nods and holds up one finger) First word. (the foreman mimes taking a piece of string and tying it in knot) Rope? String?


The foreman shakes his head and points to the knot. 


Counsel: (J.C.) Point?


Clerk: (E.I.) Belt?


Judge: Tie?


The foreman nods and points to the knot. 


Counsel: Cravat? Silk square?


Clerk: Knot?


The foreman nods enthusiastically.


All: Knot!


The foreman gives a thumbs up. The court applauds. Foreman points to his second finger.


Judge: Second word. (foreman indicates two syllables) Two syllables. (the foreman points to his first finger) First syllable. (the foreman mimes swimming, then points at his throat) Bird?


Clerk: Swimmer?


Judge: Breast stroke.


Counsel: Brian Phelps.


Judge: No, no, no, he was a diver.


Clerk: Esther Williams then.


Judge: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.


Counsel: Fish. (the foreman nods and points at throat) Fish wheeze. Fish wheeze?


Judge: Fish breathe.


Counsel: Fish breathe, throat.


Judge: Fish breathe, throat? GILL! (the foreman gives a thumbs up and the court applauds excitedly) Not gill. (the foreman mimes the second syllable) Second syllable. Not gill.


Foreman mimes drinking a cup of tea.


Counsel: Drink.


Clerk: Sip? Imbibe?


The foreman points to the mimed cup itself.


Judge: Not gill ... cup? Not gillcup! (the foreman looks disappointed) You have been found not gillcup of the charges brought against you and may leave this court a free man. (the defendant leaves.)Right. My turn.


The judge holds up four fingers.


Counsel: Four words.


The judge mimes shouting for the first word.


Foreman: First word shout?


Counsel: Bellow?


Clerk: Call?


All: Call!


The judge gives a thumbs up. The court applauds. He then indicates that the second word is very small.


Counsel: Second word is very small.


Foreman: A?


Counsel: An?


Clerk: Up?


Foreman: The?


The judge gives a thumbs up.


All: The!


Court applauds.


Clerk: Call the, third word:


The judge points to his neck.


Counsel: Gill?


Member of Jury: Fish?


Clerk: Adam's apple. (the judge shakes his head) Neck. (the judge mime 'sounds like') Sounds like neck?


Second Counsel: (C.C.) Next.  


Foreman: Call the ... next!


The judge gives a thumbs up, to general applause, and indicates that the fourth word is three syllables. First syllable: he mimes deafness.


Clerk: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ... ear?


Counsel: Hear. Can't hear.


Clerk: Deaf (applause) Call the next def-.


The judge leaps onto the desk and points at his own bottom.


Counsel: Bottom.


Clerk: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?


Foreman: End! Call the next defend-.


The judge reaches under his bench and pulls out an enormous model of an ant about four feet long.


Whole Court: Ant!


The court applauds the judge who bows and sits


Clerk: Call the next defendant! (the whole mood changes) Call the next defendant. The Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken. (a very elderly judge in full robes comes into the dock) If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?


Judge Kilbraken: (T.J.) Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.


He bangs his gavel. Everyone gets up and begin to leave, talking to each other.


Judge: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (they all stop, go back and sit down again) No, you're in the dock, m'lud.


Judge Kilbraken: I'm a judge, m'lud.


Judge: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.


Judge Kilbraken: Hah! Call this a court.


All: Call this a court. Call this a court... Call this a court.


Judge: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.


Counsel: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.


Judge: Q?


Counsel: Sorry did I say Q? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A.


Clerk: Call exhibit A.


Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They pull off the sheet to reveal a very sexy girl in a provocative pose.


Counsel: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher and cane-chair sales lady, was found guilty under the Rude Behaviour Act in the accused's court. The accused, m'lud, sentenced her to be taken from this place and brought round to his place.


Second Counsel: Objection, m'lud.


Judge Kilbraken: Objection sustained.


Judge: You shut up! Objection overruled.


Counsel: The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.


Judge: Have you anything to say in your defence?


Judge Kilbraken: I haven't had any for weeks.


Judge: Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?


Judge Kilbraken: Oh, I never!


Judge: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!


Judge Kilbraken: All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?


Judge: You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.


Counsel: M'lud if we could continue ...


Judge Kilbraken: He's got a Chinese bit there.


Judge: No, that's contempt of court.


Judge Kilbraken: It was only a joke.


Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. But I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.


Judge Kilbraken: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.


Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition suddenly belt out of the door and down the path. Chase music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.


Ximinez: (M.P.) Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.


Credits start superimposed.


Biggles: Look they've started the credits.


Ximinez: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.


Biggles: Come on hurry. Hurry!


We see shots of them coming through London.


Ximinez: There's the lighting credit, only five left. (more shots of the bus going through London; the credits reach the producer) Hell, it's the producer - quick!


They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in.


Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spa... ('The End' appears) Oh bugger! 




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