SPAM SKETCH

A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife are flown in on wires.

 
Man: (E.I.) (to Waitress) Morning!Spam

Waitress: (T.J.) Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam

Wife: (G.C.) Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam...

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ... spam, spam, spam, spam ... lovely spam, wonderful spam ...

Brief stock shot of a Viking ship.

Waitress: (over Vikings) Shut up!

Vikings: (still singing) Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: Why not?

Waitress: It wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage, would it.

Wife: (shrieks) I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! (Vikings stop) Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (the Vikings start singing and drown her words)

Man: Yes.

Waitress: Urgghh!

Vikings: .. . lovely spam, wonderful, spam.

Waitress: Shut up! Shut up!

The Vikings shut up momentarily. Enter the Hungarian from the phrasebook sketch.

Hungarian: (J.C.) Great boobies, honeybun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam ...

Vikings: (starting up again) Spam, spam, spam, spam ...

Waitress: Shut up

 A policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out.

Hungarian: My nipples explode...

Cut to a historian.

Superimposed caption: 'A HISTORIAN'

Historian: (M.P.) Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same. They sailed from these fiords here, (indicating a map with arrows on it) assembled at Trondheim and waited for the strong north-easterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam, spam, spam, spam, spam ...

The backdrop behind him rises to reveal the cafe again, The Vikings start singing again and the historian conducts them

Vikings: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam. Lovely spam wonderful spam...

Mr and Mrs Bun rise slowly in the air

 Superimposed caption: 'IN 1970 MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS LAY IN RUINS, AND THEN THE WORDS ON THE SCREEN SAID:'

 Fade out and roll credits, which read:

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND SPAM PERFORMED BY
SPAM TERRY JONES
MICHAEL SPAM PALIN
JOHN SPAM JOHN SPAM
JOHN SPAM CLEESE
GRAHAM SPAM SPAM
SPAM CHAPMAN
ERIC SPAM EGG AND
CHIPS IDLE
TERRY SPAM SAUSAGE SPAM
EGG SPAM GILLIAM
ALSO APPEARING ON TOAST
THE FRED TOMLINSON SPAM EGG
CHIPS AND SINGERS
RESEARCH PATRICIA HOULIHAN AND SAUSAGE
MAKEUP PENNY PENNY PENNY AND SPAM NORTON
COSTUMES EGG BAKED BEANS SAUSAGE AND TOMATO, OH, AND
HAZEL PETHIG TOO
ANIMATIONS BY TERRY (EGG ON FACE) GILLIAM
FILM CAMERAMAN JAMES (SPAM SAUSAGE EGG AND TOMATO)
BALFOUR (NOT SUNDAYS)
FILM EDITOR RAY (FRIED SLICE AND GOLDEN THREE DELICIOUS)
MILLICHOPE (SPAM EXTRA)
SOUND CHIPS SAUSAGE LIVERWURST, PHEASANT, SPAM, NEWSAGENTS, CHIPS, AND PETER ROSE
LIGHTING OTIS (SPAM'S OFF DEAR) EDDY
DESIGNER ROBERT ROBERT ROBERT ROBERT BERK AND TOMATO
PRODUCED BY IAN (MIXED GRILL) MACNAUGHTON 7/&D
BBC SPAM TV
SERVICE NOT INCLUDED

 

Voice Over: Haagbard Etheldronga and his Viking hordes are currently appearing in 'Grin and Pillage it' at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay. 'The Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book' is available from Her Majesty's Stationery Office, price - a kiss on the bum.

Fade out. Fade in in Karl Marx and Che Guevara lying post-coitally in bed. Karl switches off the light

 

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